Ho ho oh no, I cant believe its a fruit cake. Its a tradition. You can shake your gift and rattle it but the heavy thud can only mean one thing, you just landed a fruitcake from someone who adores you. You know there are only maybe ten actual fruitcakes in the world they just keep getting passed around. Fruitcakes are manufactured, the joy of baking is not involved A fruitcake is the gift that is everlasting like Willy Wonkas Everlasting gobstopper, all you need to do is lick it once a day and you will have it for the rest of your ever loving life. Dont throw it away and hurt your great aunts feelings but do let her know you did put it to good use instead. Fruit cake is the gift of all gift. If youve never received a free-range, non-toxic fruit cake for Christmas start the tradition amongst your own family and friends.1. Time capsule for archeologists and future people to decide what to do with it.2. Re-gift it, pass it forward with the can of spam you received.3. Boat anchor its virtually indestructible. Use it for your hot air balloon.4. Bowling ball, strike!5. Speed bump, slow down the speeding traffic in front of your home.6. A paper weight, the perfect craft supply.7. Change a tire, use it to hold up your car.8. Sand bag it against rising water.9. Gas stations can tie it to the bathroom key.10. Use your table saw and slice it into a corkboard.11. Bootscraper.12. Soak it in whiskey and apply it to a toothache.13. Parking wedge for your RV.14. Bullet proof vest.15. Fusion reactor containment chamber.16. Medieval catapult ammunition for the next Renaissance Fair.17. Air force ammo.18. Cement shoes.19. Pin Cushion.20. Instead of Elvis-ing your telvevsion, lob the fruitcake at it when you dont like whats on it.