AND NOW FOR SOME GAMBLING HUMOR.......

[Sookie]

Compulsive Gambler Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife wont leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out? So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshots reply was Oh, I have money put away for that.

 

[Sookie]

Two friends and the Slot Machines Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. Hey, Jones, said Smith, how'd you do? Well, Smith , said Jones, you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though. Oh yeah, said Smith, did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!

 

[Sookie]

Blonde in Vegas A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said Excuse me Miss? What are you doing? She said, Duh! I'm winning here!

 

[Sookie]

Bingo    Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to swear?A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

 

[Sookie]

Honey, I'm Home Two men were at the Casino and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.Man1: You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell Honey, I'm home, run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, How about a little love, woman? She never even moves.

 

[Sookie]

Bingo Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to swear?A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! Prayer Q: What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?A: In a casino, you really mean it!

 

[Sookie]

Vegas Trip Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.The first guy says I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, 7 come 11 all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep! The second guy says I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard , and I haven't had a wink of sleep either! The third guy says You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters.

 

[Sookie]

The Swimming Challenge Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single (of course). One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed! As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars? The guy says, Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

 

[Sookie]

Lottery Guy A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery. Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.Joe again prays... God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well. Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.Once again, he prays... My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order. Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.

 

[Sookie]

Dog's Hand A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world! The player smiled and said, He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

 

[Sookie]

Jonny's Problem I want you to help me stop my son gambling, an anxious father said to his boy's principal. I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet. Leave it to me, said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. I think I've cured him, he said. How? Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.''How much?' I said, and he said $5 What happened? asked the father. Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson. No, it won't, said the father. He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!

 

[Sookie]

Poker Player and His Wife A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. Roger, listen, he told the host, Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife! OK, that's it, guys, Roger said. This is positively the last deal.

 

[Sookie]

A Bum Asks a Man for $2 The man says, Will you buy booze? The bum says, No. The man says, Will you gamble it away? The bum says, No. So the man says, Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

 

[MommyMachine]

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