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Post your Jokes and videos here - WINNERS HAVE BEEN PICKED

Discussion in 'CLOSED FORUM CONTESTS' started by belgamo, Feb 9, 2009.

  1. belgamo

    belgamo No Deposit Forum Founder

    Funniest/Best Joke CompetitionFIVE $10 ABSOLUTE SLOTS CHIPFree entry. With all the sadness happing in the world we want to make it brighter by finding the funniest jokes. RULES 1. Competition starts 09 feb ends 14th feb2.One joke in each post3.There will be 5 winners each to recieve a $10 absolute slots chip4. Please no vulger or obscene entries MAKE SURE TO POST YOUR ABSOLUTE SLOTS USERNAME -- Edited by ohbhave at 01:33, 2009-02-15
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  2. I_am_Loni

    I_am_Loni WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    The blonde went into the beauty shop and asked for a trim. The hairsylist told her she would have to remove the headphones she was wearing, but the blonde was adamant that she could not, under no circumstances remove them; the cosmotologist would just have to work around them.About half-way through the trim, the beautician accidentillay knocked the headphones off; she tried to catch them before they fell to the floor, but she was too late: turning to apologize, she was shocked to see that the seemingly healthy blonde had dropped dead in the chair. The police were called, and after the paramedics carted off the body, a detective interviiewing the beautician, picked up the headphones and heard, Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.   <img src="http://www.activeboard.com/emote.img?ID=5598" alt="roll" title="roll" />
  3. I_am_Loni

    I_am_Loni WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    AngelMaker is my user name at Absolute Slots.Thank you for this contest.  I love these!!!!<img src="http://www.activeboard.com/emote.img?ID=5891" alt="chuckle" title="chuckle" />
  4. mr money

    mr money NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    An I.R.S. agent walks into a vetrenarians office with a duck on his head. The vet asks : Can i help you? ..."
    ... and the duck answers : Yes! Can U get this guy off of my ass? "
    "
    "
    I figured that joke was appropriate with tax season right around the corner =] "
    "
    "
    "
    anywhoo.. my absolute slots name is : bviink "
    "
    "
    (and btw.. this is a great forum.. nice work all ) "
  5. I_am_Loni

    I_am_Loni WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    A young man, married, but unhappy, is in a very bad financial situation.  Desperate, he decides to have his wife killed for the life insurance money, so he calls the mob, and they send over their best hitman, Artie.  Artie quotes his fee for this hit, but the young man says, I can't pay you until the I get the insurance payment, but I do have one dollar I can give you.  That's all I have.   Artie agrees, begrudgingly, then asks, Where's your wife ?  Walmart , the young man says.So the hitman goes to Walmart, finds the wife in the produce section and proceeds to strangle her.  Unbeknownst to him, the store had a camera that filmed the act, and the produce manager comes running out from the back, screaming, I saw what you did !  Well the killer couldn't leave any witnesses, so he strangled the produce manager as well.But, the police had already been called, and he was arrested on the spot.  The headlines next day read:<img src="http://www.activeboard.com/emote.img?ID=5896" alt="shoes" title="shoes" /> Artie chokes two for a dollar at Walmart
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  6. mr money

    mr money NEW MEMBER

    Post your Jokes and videos here

    [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo]lolol ^^ that was funny :p not sure if this counts as a funny video.. but i lmao after i watched it :p the itty bitty kitty song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo-- Edited by belgamo at 14:05, 2009-02-09
  7. rati13

    rati13 WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    I dont have any good jokes but I love this movie clip
  8. rati13

    rati13 WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    &lt;object width= 425 height= 344 &gt;&lt;param name= movie value= http://www.youtube.com/v/1eWbelibi9M&hl=en&fs=1 &gt;&lt;/param&gt;&lt;param name= allowFullScreen value= true &gt;&lt;/param&gt;&lt;param name= allowscriptaccess value= always &gt;&lt;/param&gt;&lt;embed src= http://www.youtube.com/v/1eWbelibi9M&hl=en&fs=1 type= application/x-shockwave-flash allowscriptaccess= always allowfullscreen= true width= 425 height= 344 &gt;&lt;/embed&gt;&lt;/object&gt;
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  9. crazyashell

    crazyashell CRAZY ROLLER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Thank you two for the movies they were both very good
  10. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    <img src="emote.img?ID=5891" alt="chuckle" title="chuckle" />Fishing tripA young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota. Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.After the store was locked up the boss came down. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, One .The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.65 .The boss says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition. The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK? The kid said, No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
  11. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

                How To Give Your Cat A Pill  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.              How To Give Your Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. <img src="emote.img?ID=5598" alt="roll" title="roll" />                                            
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  12. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    <img src="emote.img?ID=5545" alt="bigclap" title="bigclap" />cats and casinos are pretty much my life,this video is awsome!!!well done.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  13. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

                                                PhilosophiesAlways take the time to smell the roses...and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek...nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.                                                              <img src="emote.img?ID=5583" alt="pants" title="pants" />If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the tme to do it.It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown...and fewer still to ignore someone completely.Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.(my favorite)It takes a big man to cry...but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.<img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" /><img src="emote.img?ID=5592" alt="laughhard" title="laughhard" />
  14. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Bob Says 'Hi'"
    "
    Bob is in the army. After 4 months of being in the army, his girlfriend sent him a letter saying she'd slept with 2 guys since he'd left and wanted to break-up and all the pictures he had of her sent back. So Bob did what any other American would do. "
    He went around to all his army buddies and asked for pictures of girls they wouldn't mind giving up. He then took all the pictures, some decent, some X-rated, and put them in a big envelope to send to his girlfriend with a note saying I don't remember you. "
    Please remove your pictures and send the rest back. "
    lucky-nichole-fraser is my absolute slots username
  15. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

                                       RISH BLONDE<img src="emote.img?ID=5883" alt="gogirl" title="gogirl" />An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bettwenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, I hopeyou don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice andyelled, Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes! As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... YES,YES, I WON, I WON! She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and herclothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each otherdumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, What did she roll? The other answered, I don't know - I thought you were watching. MORAL OF THE STORY ~Not all Irish are stupid..Not all blondes are dumb,But all men are men.               
  16. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Little Funny: "
    "
    A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. "
    "
    He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiancé, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. "
    "
    That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. "
    "
    At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' "
    "
    Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' "
    "
    The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' "
    "
    'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'
  17. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    <img src="emote.img?ID=5598" alt="roll" title="roll" />does anyone want to hear some more?<img src="emote.img?ID=5886" alt="metal" title="metal" />
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  18. mr money

    mr money NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    I had that mean kitty song stuck in my head for like 3 days straight..lol Ive got a bunch of jokes, but the problem is , none of em are clean..lol :p Anyways.. ill post some more as i remember em =]
  19. dizzydizz13

    dizzydizz13 NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    A 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analisys at the hospital. He turns up 2 days later with an empy jar. The nurse asks the man why is there no sample? "
    the man replies well, i'm sorry about this but I tried with my right hand, then with my left! Then my wife tried with both hands, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with them out. So my wife went to next door neighbour Ethel's and got her to come round and give it a try! But it was no use, we still couldn't get the lid off!! "
    "
    account is dwhitney"
  20. dizzydizz13

    dizzydizz13 NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Two Irishman are hammering floorboards down in a house, Paddy picks up a nail realises its upside down and throws it away. He continues to do this until Murphy notices and says Paddy! Why are you throwing all those nails away? to which Paddy replies Because there all upside down Murphy gives him a confused stare and says You daft bastard! dont throw them away, save them for the ceiling!!
  21. dizzydizz13

    dizzydizz13 NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Hope these jokes weren't inappropriate! Got some more with abit of swearing in but will have to wait for permission first.
  22. Chars

    Chars WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    good job guys they certainly made me laugh, good luck!
  23. deej

    deej DOWN UNDER PLAYER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Cat lovers check. this the infamous ninja kitty[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbwpgyRUv5g]mawwhhahahahaaaa
  24. mr money

    mr money NEW MEMBER

    Post your Jokes and videos here

    Okay.. this video had me laughing for days... its from an episode of a show on reg cable named Robot Chicken =] <a href="http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39214dc00580114dc5639450053">http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c39214dc00580114dc5639450053</a>-- Edited by belgamo at 20:12, 2009-02-10
  25. Sookie

    Sookie Mother of Cats

    RE:to post your jokes and funny videos here

    i saw the ninja kitty before on yahoo,cracks me up still!!CATS ARE AWSOME!!<img src="emote.img?ID=5590" alt="maddance" title="maddance" />
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  26. mr money

    mr money NEW MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    srry.. heres the video from my other post on youtube =][youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5m6-Q6Q4qk]
  27. whiskey

    whiskey Guest

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    <table width="768" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" >For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced theSchitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely,Crock O. Schitt [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2014
  28. jamiek77

    jamiek77 WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    UserName is jamiek1977Since this is a casino forum.. it seems approrpriate.One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino. Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions. How did you get so much money? Well , she replies, I''m a bit of a gambler... Really?! the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling. No really, it''s fun! insisted Jayne. I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square! .The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit. This is my attorney, said Jayne. He''s here to make sure everything is legal. OK said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel. You''re right, they''re not square! The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, What''s wrong with your lawyer? Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes. <img src="http://www.sparkimg.com/emoticons/wink.gif" alt="wink" title="wink" />
  29. jamiek77

    jamiek77 WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    Funny Videos alt= Cats are so smart ;) border= hspace= vspace= width= 250 height= 300 align= /&gt;Funny Videos mce_src= Funny Videos alt= border= hspace= vspace= width= height= align= left /&gt;
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2014
  30. jamiek77

    jamiek77 WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    RE: Post your Jokes and videos here

    [youtube=]

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