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Tazer: self test

Discussion in 'JOKES' started by daremeto, Jul 1, 2012.

  1. daremeto

    daremeto WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:                                                 [​IMG]   [​IMG]   [​IMG]   Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety.   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.   Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, don't do it, reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, the boys nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.   You should know, if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.   OMG!!!!that hurt like HECK!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.   Still in shock, Earl  
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2014
  2. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Holy cow. :surprise:I have seen people on TV shock themselves and it is not a pretty sight at all.These things mean business.My my.
  3. milkman

    milkman WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    bet he got a hellofa buzz doin that:roll::surprise:
  4. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Admin Staff Member

    HAHAHAHAHAHA ... That was funny as hell! :laughhard:Not the fact that he was dumb enough to try it out, just the read itself. Very descriptive. And I am really glad he chose to try it on himself and not cat. Probably would have killed it if it did what it did to him. 
  5. daremeto

    daremeto WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    everytime i read this i can't help but laugh my butt off. this is a classic lol, can't help but feel sorry for the poor sob tho                                              :lol:  :laughhard:  :lol:
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2014
  6. robsmom

    robsmom WELL KNOWN MEMBER

    Well, I don't think he would have killed the cat cause he would've stopped after one second .. it's just that he couldn't control himself because, well, he was being tazered.. lol .. Still glad he left the cat alone though.
  7. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Admin Staff Member

    Lol ... that's true, Robsmom. This is me talking to myself .... I'm so sure that he would have hit the cat and after a second got this evil look on his face and told himself after seeing what one second did ... I think I'll go another second, and another, and another. You're a dork, Mben! -- Edited by Mben on Tuesday 3rd of July 2012 11:43:05 AM
  8. cargo000

    cargo000 Banned

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