Daily Horoscopes....

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 14th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You find yourself playing the role of student as youre asked to learn things, which certain faces had assumed you knew already. Dont be embarrassed; this is finally your chance to catch up for real. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Venus squares Saturn and youre faced with the difficult decision youve done such a good job of avoiding. You may think this is a bad thing, but finally youll get the answers you need. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Petty mistakes that Mercury is encouraging are not doing much to benefit you or your close ones. The chance to change your plans at the last minute can actually be to your advantage after 2pm. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Decisions youve recently made have set you free. Now its just a case of your brain telling your heart, so that you may get on with enjoying the lovely year the stars have planned for you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may find yourself running about for people with very little time to spend on your own problems. Stop and address that issue bothering you. It can be sorted by the evening if you do my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont believe gossip you hear at lunchtime or you could end up insulting a face who has only ever supported you in business. New ways to get on with a difficult family member are offered tonight. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You can do much to improve the atmosphere in your circle by bringing together the two people who started these problems originally. Dont cast aspersions though; I would suggest you leave it to them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You would be well advised to double-check any paperwork that you do today. Many of the other signs are not going to be putting their best efforts into things and mistakes are highly likely. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You seem to be frightened of upsetting family but you are going to get them angry and upset if you continue to placate them with your fairy tales. They already know more than you think anyway. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A new view of your body and mind should see the majority of your sign investing money and time into health and fitness. Youre starting to realise that life has and will continue to begin again. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Beware of an immature mood doing damage to your reputation. Youve so much more to offer and you must try to think before you speak my friend. Could it be that youre hiding your true feelings? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may have a bit of trouble talking a loved one into letting you make a trip away which, although you know you should not really do, you just dont seem to be able to resist.  Thursday, July 14, 2011   After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Everyone you see will be power walking today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) So. You let your mole plants die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 15th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You and a loved one have got to start to lay better ground rules in your relationship.  Certain events that have occurred seem to have made you more cautious of opening up your heart and feelings. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Theres a new face on the social scene but put your name down quick if you want a shot at their love life. Someone you know only too well has got their eye on them too. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try to have more faith in your abilities.  A recent set back in your personal life has had a knock on affect. By fighting back today you can win both professional and personal support. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have so much to offer the situations affecting your life, but unless you slow down and enjoy whats happening, youre never going to be able to feel you deserve all that will soon occur. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The stars spin you into utter confusion and no matter how simple the words those around you are saying, you feel as if they have been talking a completely different language.  Clarity comes with your confession. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Time you get to yourself should make you feel good. Even if its just an hour at lunchtime to think about life, youll want to be alone for it. Life choices are about to be made. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) For a sign thats usually so famous for their organisational skills youre going to be turning quite a few heads with your unpredictable mood this week. Making that phone call can bring back your sense and clarity. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) It was not so long ago that you thought you wanted freedom, but now you want nothing more than to lay down some roots. Are you going completely mad or are you just growing up? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre not a sign who has predictable taste in love and youll be proving this very fact by the actions you take this week. Youre about to stand up for what and whom you really want. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You dont seem sure if friends have your best interests at heart. If you want to know the answer to any questions at this time then do yourself a favour and ask yourself, not others. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You can make important ground on a financial matter by making that phone call you keep trying to put off but which is the key to making the change you have been talking so animatedly about. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont expect friends to join in with your enthusiasm about your career today. It would be far better for you to keep your feelings to yourself.  Jealousy is evident and youre better to play it down.  Friday, July 15, 2011   I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. -- Bertrand Russell    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word plumbaginous in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Beware of short people. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored papier mache animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up heads , tails , heads , heads . Then someone will come up and say hey, whatcha doing? Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You'll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 16th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Close ones may comment youre beginning to be a snob, but thats not true. Youve always been a snob! In fact its time you started to ask for what you want, not what others think. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont accuse close ones of things you have no proof of. You may earn yourself a reputation that is not so easy to shake off.  Geminis prove to be successful business contacts, so seek them out. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Careful you dont get into any trouble with the white lies you find it hard not to tell, of late. If you are attached, you are already on dangerous ground with your flirting. Rein it in! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont get involved in shouting matches with anyone today; youll lose. A brash light, which the stars have cast upon you, requires you to show a more charitable side today please. Rewards await if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You dont seem to be getting the help or the support that you need from colleagues. Peace talks you have this week can help you turn that all-important corner, so make the effort. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre spending all your time running around for everyone else and dont appear to have the time to do the little things that a sign such as you finds conducive to a comfortable lifestyle.  Make time! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Those around dont know how important it is to get things done on time or to do what theyd promised. However, many of the signs have dramas youre unaware are being played out, so go easy. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your confidence has been growing by the day and it is only by trusting in what you believe to be the right path that you will keep up this new pace that you have been setting. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Money worries seem to be at the root of your problems. Deal with the real issue and not the excuses you are hiding behind. New money options lie in you tapping into old skills not new. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may think familiar faces are doing you a favour but aspects indicate you would actually be far better to shop around and see what the going rate is for the skills you have to offer. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Set the pace and the standard if you want others to follow. For a sign whos usually so helpful youve been very difficult of late, as I think you well know. Phone calls can lead to reconciliations. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You finally have the right people around you to take full advantage of your abilities. Just make sure you are getting the best monetary deal though. Research can make all the difference today, my friend.  Saturday, July 16, 2011   Drop your trousers here for best results. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you'll start a new rock group, named SPAM Catapult , and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will attempt to single-handedly bring the Spaghetti Western back from obscurity. Your first film will be A Fistful of Noodles , in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 17th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Taking time out to review what youve been doing and how you can fine tune life will be much to your benefit at this time. The stars are backing you to take chances once youve done this. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Luck in finances should allow you the flexibility to make the week all you had dreamed. You may not think that people care what happens to you but, I can assure you, they do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) News on a face from the past gives you reason to smile as it proves to you how right you were to make such a major change with your life. Love links to a photograph. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Secrets told at this time are more powerful than you could imagine, so careful who you share them with. If youre not careful you could end up being blamed for leaking them to begin with. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Business deals can be signed and sealed and could land you in a most lucrative position indeed, so pay full attention please. There are always two sides to a story, remember this tonight please. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Try not to make an enemy of new faces. Let them say their piece and you may just find an ally to help you through the coming month, which is sure to be full of opportunity. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) People are talking about you and you know it. Theyre waiting to see what youre going to do about recent dramas. Not even you know the answer to that, but you will, after 3pm. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre finding yourself attracted to a different set of faces than is the norm. Why is this? Youre moving on and feeling out whats around you. Flirtations turn serious, if you dare to let down those defences. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) With the current line up youre finally willing to do the work you did such a good job of avoiding earlier this month. You even find yourself working in your own time. Ambition sets in again. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Just because your friends dont think you should do something with your life that should not mean that you should not do it. If we all wanted the same things, then life would be very boring. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Expect the unexpected and youll still be in for a surprise. You have come to realise many things about yourself recently and the most exciting, is how very well you handle major life changes. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You can either wallow in self-pity or allow the other person to win, or you can get up, dust yourself off and show how clever such an experience has made you. Its your move.  Sunday, July 17, 2011   Falling in love doesn't kill people. Landing does.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named Sven , but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbour, with the binoculars? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to doodle. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don't act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it's embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It's hard to pretend they're just spraying for roaches...  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 18th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Too much speculation on an area of your life has led you to feel unsure if you can complete what you wanted to do. You can and you will. Believe in yourself and others will too. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A work matter preying on your mind is making it hard for you to get in as romantic a mood as youd like. Go straight to the horses mouth. Clarity is yours if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Travel plans beckon but theyre not exactly what you had in mind. Why not allow yourself to be led for a change. Its the only way youll get to see what that certain someones really like. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A taste of fame beckons. You will be offered the chance to shine at something youve long wanted to do on a more serious level. Walk, dont run with this opportunity, to ensure its longevity. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may not be able to control your career as much as youd like at this time, but you can show those in charge how good you are, handling the unexpected. This opportunity starts this week. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont let the stars push you into rushing into things. This is one day where a nice slow pace really will serve you well. In fact success in your love life will depend on it. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre scared youre going to be dragged back to the past and to a time when you felt trapped. You wont be, because you cant be. Youve moved on. Events this week prove this to you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont tell more lies to cover those youve already told or youll put a distance between yourself and a loved one, which may be impossible to get back. Truths told right now can win the day. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre not too sure who you are recently. You know youve changed and that what you wanted is no longer how you view things. Dont be scared; be excited, this is where life really begins. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may feel like youve wasted your time with your work and with any travel youve made in the name of your career. You havent. Those who matter have noted your efforts. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Calls need to be made if youre to avoid looking the fool. You know youre not in the wrong; this is your chance to prove it. Just make sure you stick to facts not hearsay. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A restriction which has been placed upon you is lifted and youre left with a lighter heart and a better view on life. You may even find the courage to contact that new attraction.   Monday, July 18, 2011   Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell equaminity. ..er... equanimbity ...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you'll have to moppeth it up.      

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 19th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You dont seem to be able to get your work done as and when youd like. This seems to be due to the disrupting influence that a certain face has placed upon you. Rise above it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont count on others to do your work. If you want a job done properly, do it yourself or you will only ruin all of the hard work the last month has seen you put in. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) News of pregnancies and births in your inner circle could stir your conscience but youll do what feels right when the time is right so dont feel you have to compete. You really dont. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Theres a lot you can do to make an older persons life more fulfilling by just giving them some of the responsibilities that you have loaded yourself with.  Feeling needed is what they want right now. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Theres a lot of work for you to get through but that doesnt mean your close ones have to suffer. At least sit down and talk to them. Their support is your key tool. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You seem to have fallen out with a family member and you dont seem to know why.  Use the very friendly aspects today to make some important ground. Compromise is your key to your success.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It would be silly to think you would go for a sign that was not an attraction. If theyre being punished they may as well do the crime. Back off before they say something theyll regret. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Someones jealousy is becoming a problem and it would be well worth your while letting them know that youre not in competition. Lovely aspects are at work and surprises can be expected in love. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Arguments from last night must be dissolved today, or they will drag on. Recent developments cause you to think about making a change of residence. Sleep on such major decisions to ensure the right answer please. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Someone wants an apology, but youre not sure if you owe one. Scorpios shed light on such dramas. Job changes are prominent in your stars, listen to what contacts are saying at this time. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre starting to show your loyalty to the wrong person. Wake up and smell the coffee. Youre cleverer than that; so dont allow the wool to be pulled over your eyes in this way. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your feelings are confused. Youre saying one thing to friends but telling yourself something completely different. Your chance to tell those around how you really feel is offered today. Make sure you dont waste it.  Tuesday, July 19, 2011       <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you Sven . Humor them -- act impressed that they know your real name. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word diaper . Don't know why. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It's time for you to seek professional help.    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 20th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont allow the bad influences flocking around you to lead you astray; youll be angrier with yourself than those watching, as I think you well know. Education paths begun now lead you to riches. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) This could well be one time where honesty is not the best option. What youre thinking and feeling at this time is going to create a far stronger reaction in people than you first thought. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The aspects spoil your financial plans, so make sure you have an alternative ready.  Exciting new options open up because of this. Life begins to get exciting and anything is possible from here on in. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont pick on Virgos or you may just meet your match, particularly regarding family issues. Life is bright if you are willing to speak as you find about romance and not keep playing silly games. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A busy start today could see you in a spin by tonight as you try your best to please everyone. Stick to your original game plan, it always was, and will be, the key to success. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Money can be made if you are willing to travel out of your way and if you are willing to be nice to someone who you have spent much of last month putting down. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Health checks need keeping to if you are to be finely tuned in both mind and body. You have a lot ahead of you and success can be yours if youre ready to tackle what lies ahead. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Refrain from speaking your mind today in business; it could cost you if you dont. Playing things down can help you to work out where success can be found. Flirtations in work turn serious. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Overseas links prove lucky and could well see you making a decision which will change the rest of your life. Good results come from past efforts concerning money and old skills you have not used recently. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A confrontation is necessary to clear the air in love. I know you think you can afford to let your stubborn streak lead the way but you are wrong. Admitting your faults brings compromise. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Heroes are made by the times and this week can allow you to shine in front of faces that had previously never even noticed you. Just make sure you stick to your morals, not those of others. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) New and exciting opportunities are set to open up to you, which should allow you to spread your wings and make up for the many sacrifices which the beginning of the month put your way.  Wednesday, July 20, 2011   A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Noodle day #2! The Revenge Of The Noodle . Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking very buff . That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the normal fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: My Darling Snookums: . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble What? while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 21st July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are worrying far too much about what everyone else thinks in love when you should be doing what feels right to you. Exciting events mean major changes, as events will soon show. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Family dont seem to be at their most accommodating and you may even find them being rude to the very faces that you have been trying so hard to impress. The word jealousy comes to mind! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your need to know everything about a new face could well see you uncovering some facts you would rather not know and in the process, could also see you with a new best friend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You cant seem to understand why your love life is not moving as fast as you would have liked. It will be worth your while backing down. Let others do some of the chasing today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Travel may prove more expensive than you had thought, but as long as you are fore armed and ready for the unpredictable then you should find yourself in for a most fun and career building time. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Old flames come to mind and heart and they could even be back in town but resist the temptation to chase them, the future is calling and its brighter than you could possibly imagine. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You seem to be developing some new passions in your life and it is only by pushing forward on your own that you will get to see if they are really suited to your future. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You have made more than a few slip-ups this month and no amount of back peddling is going to outdo the effectiveness of an apology. I can assure you youll see its well worth your while. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Its hard for you to know what to do with your time as the absence of a certain face is leaving you with more time on your hands than you had realised. Relax; youve earned it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A new and most powerful influence seems to be affecting your life and could well be pushing you into saying and doing things that are not really in your best interests.  Caution and thought my friend. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Take your time and dont allow yourself to be bullied or seduced into anything.  Friends gather as joyful announcements are made which could make you question your own situation and direction for the future. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Family are calling out for your time and may well get it too if they ask you today when your defences are down. Venus plays tricks in love, but to your advantage this time.     Thursday, July 21, 2011   I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Woody Allen    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like mashee or niblick in casual conversation? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone smile when you say that, buster , for example. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying Down With Gravity!. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say What am I, psychic? It's not, though. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 22nd July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) I know you like to do things your way but it may well be worth your while trying a different stance over the coming days as variety really does prove to be the spice of life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The smaller crowds can offer you much insight into the world of romance so make sure you opt for the quieter options. Virgos link to successful business deals. Keep your eyes open for them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Not a sign to shy away from the dramatics in life. Good job too as success is behind current shows that are being played out for you by faces from both your past and present. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Forced changes end up being to your benefit. How funny to think that it was not too long ago that you swore you would never even contemplate certain subjects or areas of life again. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont get involved in games. Leave those around you to play out this very colourful ending on their own. Not that you are a sign that needs a confidence boost with love aspects approaching. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You dont seem to be feeling as confident in your work as you should but Saturn brings structure and luck your way so dont even think about turning down any opportunities that come your along. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Be more supportive to those you work with.  You may need a helping hand yourself some day. Working as part of a team is the key to your success both in the short, and long term. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre casting those close to you in a very naïve light, but give them more credit please. They know far more than you could imagine. They are also more like you than you imagine. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Changes are going to be made whether you want them or not, so why not try to help shape them instead of fighting them. Love can be found by sending a text youve been toying with. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Having to hand the power over to others may surprise you. This doesnt have to be a bad thing. It could just give you the rest youve needed to reflect and digest events. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A run in with someone who thinks more of you than you realise could bring you down a peg or two. Try to think about the age of the people youre dealing with today please. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A lot of offers are about to come your way as Venus casts an irresistible light upon you.  If there is someone you have wanted to attract then this is the time they will most notice you.  Friday, July 22, 2011   It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: never yodel with your mouth full. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Some strange hooting creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say What was THAT!? in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 23rd July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont let rumours stop you from moving forward with relationships; it is not wrong for someone to have had a past before they met you. They are much older and wiser now, as are you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The Sun makes it easy for you to impress those around. This is a good time for you to go for what you want. The coldest of hearts will find it hard to resist your charms. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) This week you may find yourself doing work from home as a new and more professional attitude overcomes you and helps you to focus your goals and ambitions in a much more constructive way. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Take control this week and make the coming days all that you desire. You have a lot of revising to do if you are to impress the face who is going to be affecting your career now. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You find yourself spending your money on things; you wouldnt usually even pick up, let alone buy. This newfound confidence proves to you and your close ones that you made the right choice recently. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The Moon can make you feel moody but it can also be an asset. Youre able to think of options which last week you were unable to see. You also mend an important relationship. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Try and plan a more sensible agenda or you will not be able to finish an important project which is already taking far longer than you had thought to complete. Thought leads to success. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The planets line up to make this a good successful week but what is happening today brings surprise as mixed up messages and strange communications reveal a friend in an unexpected face, which changes everything. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) This is one week where you have to try to keep information under wraps for just a little bit longer. Air signs: Geminis, Librans and Aquarians are lucky for you and link to outlays for your future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Be aware of all you are saying in business or it could count for more than you can imagine, especially if its a Gemini youre dealing with. Ensure you stay the ultimate professional today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You dont seem to care how loud you talk or who it is that youre gossiping about either. A friend is still waiting for you to get in touch about a promise that you made to them. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve been spending far too much time discussing a work problem rather than tackling it and unless you start to tie up the many work matters before you then youll get yourself a reputation.  Saturday, July 23, 2011   I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to Bob , and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to make strange hooting noises, while hiding in the bushes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass. One must have standards, after all. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites is not likely to be published. But A Bucket Full Of Leeches ? Now that's another story. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named Fu will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 24h July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Today is the perfect time for you to sort out any differences you have, so take full advantage my friend. The stars can easily dissolve arguments and common ground is at last found. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Whether the events that take place are friendly this week is up to you, as your attitude towards a certain face still seems undecided. Remember this is your last chance to make peace with them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont let a friend take advantage of your kind nature. You know when someone is using you but this particular face seems to hold power over you. Time to take off those rose coloured spectacles. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Certain work issues appear to be getting you down. You dont have to cope alone my friend. Working as a team can offer you the success you are seeking. Put pride to the side today please. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The moon brings out your more secretive side, and you may find yourself keeping silly details about your life to yourself. No wonder your close ones are confused. Heart-to-hearts later today bring successful resolutions. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You know how you feel and its no use pretending otherwise. Fun times await you if you can put the past behind you. Focus on what can be achieved and not what others want for you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre such a proud sign, but its time to start saying what you really want and not just talking about what looks good to others. Exciting times await you, and link to long distance travel plans. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Information, you receive at this time, gives you reason to make exciting plans for your life. You know you need to push harder for what you want. Dont be afraid; be excited. Your dream is near. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) If you have something to say to a close one of a delicate nature, do it before tomorrows aspects take over. This could be your last chance to win them over.  Wear red for power in seduction. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have so much on your mind but relaxation must be your priority tonight or you will not get through the rest of the week with the success you had originally intended. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are the sign first being affected by the current line up, which promises us all action, drama and intrigue. The only worry I have is you seem to be the main star in this production. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Old business contacts hold the key to you sorting out difficult work matters before the week is out. Working hard at this time can make up for the lost time you suffered earlier in the month.  Sunday, July 24, 2011   You guys line up alphabetically by height You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter nothing, it's nothing. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some natural remedies books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well... <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone named Bob is plotting to whap you with a calla lily. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, I'll never be hungry again!    

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 25th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Saturn offers structure to a financial worry. This week is sure to see you saying things, which you may regret and so you may want to pre warn friends not to trust you with important secrets. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) It is possible to back down every now and then and compromise will go a long way in your favour at this time. In fact it can benefit both your personal and your professional life today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Someone you thought you could trust has let you down. What you need to know now though, is that they have actually done you a favour. Events, both today and tomorrow, will prove this fact. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Responsibilities you didnt ask for can at last be given away. Its taken a while, but your life is about to turn a major corner, and you need to know youre back in control at last. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) So, you think you know what you want? Well, youre in for a big surprise. Mars throws a spanner in the works and offers you an alternative that puts a very large smile on your face. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Do you want what youve got because you know it so well? Youre in for a shock when temptations come your way this dramatic month, making you sit up and take notice of life again. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You must stop thinking about the past. Why should you? Because Libra, youre remembering it through rose coloured spectacles. A run in with a face from long ago can and will confirm this fact. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There is so much you have to look forward to. You do need to focus on what can be, rather than what cannot. Sometimes the unobtainable seems so much more appealing, doesnt it? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) There is an air of mystery about your life at this time and I would not be surprised if some of you were on the verge of receiving some very intriguing proposals. This is a memorable time indeed. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The planetary set up is going to be giving you plenty of opportunity to mix with people that you have long wanted to get to know on a more intimate level. This is your time! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont believe all you hear about a family member, you would be far better off to give them the benefit of the doubt. It wasnt so long ago that you were being accused unfairly, was it? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have your heart set on getting some time alone with a close one. Theres a certain amount of guilt in your chart but the reasons for this are not yet clear. Conversations today explain all.  Monday, July 25, 2011   It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king. -- Erasmus (c1465-1536)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Hide. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, Bob! You're still alive! (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say What am I, psychic? It's not, though.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 26th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Theres no fool like an old fool. When it comes to love, youre a sucker for a sob story. You like to help people who are weaker than you. Raise your standards, while you still can. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dealings of a legal nature can go in your favour. Just be careful you dont repeat gossip you hear though, as it is unlikely to be true. Mercury brings good news to financial affairs. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont seem clear what a loved one wants from you. What you do know is that youre clearer about what you want. Do they still fit into your plans, is what you should ask yourself. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre having a tough time accepting a decision which someone else has made on your behalf. If there is nothing that you can do about it, then you should focus on what is possible. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may find yourself having to choose between two friends. What you need to do is stand aside and see who comes to you. You are likely to be surprised by the outcome, Leo. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre still thinking of what might have been, rather than what can be. It is that time of year when you feel reminiscent, but look around! Love is on offer and its compatible this time. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its a day for taking chances. You think you cant get the better of a certain person but you hold the power to make incredible things happen. Wear blue for luck in those financial issues please. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Travel brings romance and the promise of a better future. Watch out for a Leo who can help you right a wrong in a family issue. Dont reply to that text with an empty promise. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Stand up for what you believe in. I know life has been hard and I know you have felt as if a close one has been against you, rather than supporting you. Changes await, grab them! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Try to have tact when talking to your close ones today. Many of the signs are feeling more emotional than usual. By taking care with your words you can take relationships up to the next level. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Conversations you have with your family reveal facts you never knew. You start to understand who you are, where you came from, and by the end of this week, where you want to go. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Put pride to one side and say how you really feel. Then you will find the success with your life that youre seeking. Gifts, you buy at this time reveal how deep your feelings really run.  Tuesday, July 26, 2011   What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say Buy More Socks! . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word diaper . Don't know why. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley . Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will have a visit from The Scourge of Valderia . He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 27th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) It seems you want a bit of mischief and fun because you want to move on from the past. This is not a bad thing. Just make sure you keep those standards nice and high. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Why do you think youre supposed to know everything? Experience is what makes us wise. If we make a few mistakes along the way, it educates us; it doesnt set us back. Realise this. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Close ones are worried about you. They know that you havent been yourself. They say a problem shared is a problem halved, and for you, thats never truer than now. Speak out and solve your worries. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You want whats best for a close one, but there comes a point when you have to realise you cant help people who dont want to help themselves. Back away, let them come to their senses. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Travel you embark upon on this day makes your life a more interesting place to be. You start to see what is and what isnt possible. Stop avoiding that phone call to family. Theyre on your side. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) I know how many changes you have been through. I also think you ought to give yourself a pat on the back for the fact youve done so well. I see the light, can you? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre working hard and important faces now know your name, and are ready to help you take things up to the next level. Enjoy life, this is what youve been waiting for and you deserve it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) News of pregnancies, which you hear about at this time, give you reason to stop and question your own life and where it is going. Heart to hearts tonight, can change the course of your future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may be feeling in a somewhat delicate state, due to the very mixed messages you are getting from those around you. Why dont you try asking direct questions then? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Here you are in a situation which can only be described as fate. Youve allowed the planets to guide you, and you should now be able to see the rewards in following your heart and head. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Someone has let you down, and its not the first time is it? What will you do about it? Sulking must not and cannot be an option. Speaking from the heart should be though. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve waited on the sidelines to support a close one when a drama in their life goes wrong. You knew it would. Youre now here to pick up the pieces. What a star you are.  Wednesday, July 27, 2011   May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -- George Carlin    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware of turnips. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid. And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as port and starboard . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you'll never do it if you don't work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as Nose Bleeders Quarterly or The Nose Troubles Times .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 28th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Work, you were supposed to have done, has not been completed. By working as a team though, it can be. Mixed messages in love are better left to time to decipher. Avoid involving third parties. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dare to dream, dare to be different. By going for what you really want, you can make the impossible possible. Youve been listening to a negative influence, and its time to claim back your independence. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are allowing others to place responsibilities on you that you never wanted or asked for. Speaking up today will be your last chance to take control. Use it, and use it well. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) We cant choose our family, but we can choose how we allow our relationships with them to affect us. Show your dissatisfaction with that close one, by distancing yourself when they behave in this manner. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone you thought was going to back out of a deal with you has had a change of heart, but doubts were already beginning to stir in your mind. Restraints lift and life becomes interesting again. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) New ways to deal with a delicate family issue make it easier for you to face seeing certain faces again. Your vision about your future becomes clearer and a major decision is reached at last. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The Sun sextiles Jupiter and you can afford to take the chances which you avoided this time last month. Hold your head high, as confidence is sure to be half the battle my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If you dont keep your options open, you may miss out on meeting the sign of your dreams! Resist the temptation to stay in this evening. Get out there and do something self indulgent for a change. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Someone from the past is on your mind more than usual but just make sure you are remembering them as they were and not through rose coloured spectacles. Flirtations from new faces have serious undertones. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) People are casting judgement on you. In fact it would be fair to say that all of the signs are feeling a little nosier than usual. Thats because both they, and you, know dramatic changes await you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Although gossip can be fun it can also do a lot of damage. Ensure you draw the line when you know youre getting close to risqué subjects. Your relationship with a family member counts on it. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A paranoid frame of mind could well have seen you accusing close ones of things they have not done. If you know you owe an apology then make it before 3pm, to ensure success.  Thursday, July 28, 2011   In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say You too can be a criminal mastermind! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Bad day to tease a yak. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 29th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have a lot of work to do but you dont seem to be making any effort to tackle it. Working as a team is your secret weapon. Dont be afraid to ask for help. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Please be careful when talking to friends about your love life. There seem to be quite a few things going on at the moment that might shock some of the weaker-hearted in your circle. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A younger person needs more quality time and tonight presents you with the perfect opportunity to provide it. By indulging in them and whats been going on in their world theres much you can learn. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Work no longer seems to hold the same appeal as it did and this may be due to the fact that the spotlight is no longer purely upon you. Give it time, promotions beckon. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone is flirting with you and you are not even noticing. What a shame considering what a compatible match they would make. Keep those eyes peeled today; you never know where it may lead. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) There are so many more options than you first thought regarding the emotional problems you have been experiencing. This is a fact that you will soon discover for yourself if you finally resist that very stubborn mood. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You think this week is looking dull compared to the events that took place last month but you would be wrong. It is the very element of surprise thats appealing to a sign such as you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An apology from a family member is being presented. Listen. They wont be offering it twice. There comes a time to forgive and forget, and this is yours. Do the right thing, for all your sakes. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Monetary matters come under strain as close ones decide to spend your money like it is water. Conversations you have with them over this today can help you to get through to them successfully. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Emotional matters appear to be far happier than they have been in some time and you should start to see a much more relaxed and enjoyable attitude in the home. Youre finally turning that corner. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont let a work worry affect your mood tonight. It is likely to be nothing more than a storm in a teacup. Romantic times can beckon if you are sure to read your texts. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You should be there for a friend who is feeling down, of course you should. You mustnt, however, be a fool for them and give up your own life. Know how far is too far, starting now.  Friday, July 29, 2011   I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. John Wayne    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to The Mongol Horde , you might take notice. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 30th July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) New friends beckon and promise to make your life more interesting. Youve needed a change of scenery and thats just what this current line up is offering you. Text messages reveal a liar. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) What do you want out of life? Is your answer what you feel, or what a close one has convinced you of? If its the latter, then todays the day youll wake up and smell the coffee. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Scandal is likely to be spreading like wildfire, and its imperative you dont get involved. If you do, you could find you end up being accused of starting it. And you didnt, did you? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your energy levels are depleted.  Its no wonder with the amount youve had going on in your life lately. You can get back your lust for life, by distancing yourself from who and what isnt working. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Make sure your house is clean, and that youre looking good. Unexpected visitors make for a fascinating day and indeed, week. Saturn offers you structure in that financial issue. Use it, or lose out. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may find it hard to get to places on time. Leave yourself the extra time so that you can make this a constructive day. By doing so youll make the difference between romance and arguments. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A touch of fame beckons for many of your sign. Youve worked hard to get to where you are, and youre about to be given a reward from the stars. Prepare for a life-changing offer. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Lying cannot be an option. If you lie, youll undo the hard work youve put in this month. Keep true to your best friend and, by sticking to facts, you can win over several close ones. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your life is like one big soap opera. Take some time out to think of the repercussions of your behaviour. You may want to tone it down, when you realise what or whom you could lose. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Take your time when talking to people you do business with. Paying attention to detail is the key for you to achieve the success you have been dreaming of. Idle gossip tonight can cost a friendship. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Stop and think about what you are doing to your body. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Stress can be vanquished if you make yourself the priority, instead of others, for a change. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Love happens when you least expect it. Let down those defences and accept the social offers which will be coming your way. You may not know where theyll lead, but I certainly do!  Saturday, July 30, 2011   Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating -- Marshall Field    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will meet someone with a really cute sneeze. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 31st July   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Back peddle in business until you have had the chance to view all of the facts. The cat seems to have caught your tongue or could it be that you have finally been seduced? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) No matter how hard you try to tell the truth, silly lies keep coming out of your mouth. Why? Because youre scared that a certain person wont like you for who you are. Youre wrong. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Exciting news is set to come your way. The things that arent working can finally be changed. Support is yours in a family issue, if you are willing to make the first move and communicate. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont think you have to give in to what a loved one is asking. You would be far better to say how you feel. By giving in to blackmail you are only prolonging a confrontation. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) All of the relationships in your life are under lucky influences. You find yourself more able to cope with life than ever before. You know who you are and where you are going, at last. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Someone, you thought you could not trust in business, is set to pleasantly surprise you. Your career is set for some major changes, all of which can benefit you, both in the short and the long term. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You may be tempted to make new plans for tonight, but it would be far better for you to keep to the planned schedule youve made, or a close one will think you have cold feet. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) This could be a case of you jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire if you are not careful my friend.  Honesty on this day could well save the day, so use it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your imagination gets the better of you; so keep a slow pace if you want to ensure you come out of this week with your reputation intact. Romantic offers may shock and surprise you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It could well be that you have been overdoing things my friend. Come on admit it, youre the one that makes such a tough schedule for yourself and you are the one that can change it! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Let close ones do the talking. Youre sure to find life far more interesting, not to mention more fun. Aries are lucky for you in business this week but make sure you read all small print. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) No ones an angel, not even you! The Moon forces you to look far deeper at life than is really necessary and you could give the impression you want more of a commitment than you do.  Sunday, July 31, 2011   When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- From Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk in _Life In Hell_ by Matt Groening    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you'll try the old goat in a box trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named Fu will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 1st August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) An argument, which has been brewing in the family, comes to a head. Dont get involved, not when youve made such progress with that older person concerned recently. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Though we travel the world to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we will never find it. Stop, and take in what is really happening around you, and youll be in for a pleasant surprise. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) This is a really special time for you. You are finally able to find the words to say what last month you could not. Recent events have helped your confidence to grow.  Changes, you decide upon from today, reflect this fact. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may well find yourself at a slower pace this bank holiday. This is mostly due to the fact that you have so much else on your mind. Arrange to deal with the main issue tonight. Theyll talk if you will. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Finances, work and contracts all come into play at this time. You just have to make sure you are going for what you want, and not what others deem a good deal. Older people in your life demand your attention tonight. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Peace talks with close ones are favoured today. You feel more confident with who you are, and youre not afraid to show the real you to the world for a change. Taureans offer a life change. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have been listening to advice, which was tailored with others in mind. You know your own mind and you should know by now, that your needs are different from that of your friends. Phone calls today make or break. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Cancelled work, and changes to your working routine, may seem like a pain, but will actually turn out to be to your advantage. You may not realise it, but fate is planning a very exciting journey for you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A debt can be sorted, if you make a phone call before 4pm. By talking to those you owe money to, instead of ignoring them, you can turn your life around.  A Virgo proves a liability, careful handling is needed. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You must not let jealousy stand in the way of a friendship.  Your life has been full of dramas recently, and time has not been on your side. It is now though, and progress you make today can prove this fact. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) There is a lot going on in your career. Your personal life is also making its presence known and you may have to tell some white lies in order to balance the two.  Talks with a Virgo can right a wrong in the family. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You dont always take kindly to changes which you didnt initiate.  Keep an open mind today though, as its clear from your stars that your close ones only have your best interests at heart.  Monday, August 01, 2011   The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to her suit and thought you said hirsute. Still, this may prove a little awkward. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new fresh tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip . Sounds like party attire to me!  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 2nd August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Deliberation is the work of many. Action is of one alone. Start pursuing what, and who, you want now. Time is on your side today, but may not be tomorrow. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Actions make more fortunes than caution. I know you are scared, but the stars are on your side for doing and saying what you feel.  Take a step forward, a close ones feelings are more similar than you thought. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Uranus brings a whole new social outlet to your life. This is also a good month for making changes to the home. You are finding peace with an event, which earlier in the year got the better of you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) It is going to be all too easy for you to let go and say the words you promised you would not utter. You want to provoke a reaction, but by staying silent today you can win friends in very high places. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You must try to give a close one a little more space to make the mistakes, which can enable them to grow. You are constantly judging your loved ones at the moment, but you must back down. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A new way to do your job may see you going out of your way, or even staying overnight at an exciting destination. This is also a good time, for those of you not working, to go for interviews. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Family are proving more than a little difficult to deal with. What you did not and could not know is how strongly a certain person felt for a certain somebody. Arguments in your career reveal a new ally. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) What does not destroy you makes you strong. Saturn can offer you the structure you need, all you have to do is admit you want, and need, to work as a team at this time. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A change which was forced upon you earlier in the year has turned out to be a good thing. You need to slow your pace though, or youll burn yourself out before you get to see the fruits of your efforts. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont make promises you cant keep. If you are not careful, you are going to get yourself a reputation.  Only say what you mean. It may sound good to promise the world but it wont feel good later. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont say things you know you will regret, just to get a reaction from a close one. It is only by talking, and not shouting, that successful resolutions will be found.  Geminis hold the key to a financial issue. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Education comes to the fore today, and you may even find yourself trying to work out new ways to make your career a more professional and dedicated one.  Time spent with older family members fill in an important blank.  Tuesday, August 02, 2011   The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. Andrew S. Tanenbaum    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a briefcase is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named Yeomen of the Carbuncle , although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called Yeopersons of the Carbuncle . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocket ship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting Hark! however. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will develop the extremely rare Perkin's Disease , and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, Jim , into wrestling a giant anaconda. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking very buff . That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 3rd August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. Remember this. Change your recent attitude which has only taken you further from, and not closer to, your dreams.  Wear blue for luck in love tonight. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may think that certain people in your life want to see you fail, but youd be wrong. If you would slow down and start listening instead of shouting, then youd find out this fact. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) When you can do the common things in life in an uncommon way you will command the attention of the world.  Dare to be different my friend and turn a normal week into an exceptional one. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your career is taking you on a learning curve and you should find it possible to raise the stakes and ask for what you want.  Finances also come under the spotlight, and Leos in particular can help you give your career a boost. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence dont you? Focus on what youve got. You can never find out if your situation will work if you have one foot in and one foot out. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have not been treating a close one with the support they really need and it would be far better for you to let them know you cant help, if you really feel that way inclined.  Teamwork brings miracles, if you dare. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) If you have accomplished all that you have planned for yourself, you have not planned enough. You know you want great things, so stop playing down your dreams. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Love has been proving a difficult subject. Youve been asking for things you dont want, just to test the boundary lines.  Family pressures havent helped, and plans you make for the coming days offer you the relaxation and clarity you need. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The majority of you archers are not being treated fairly in your career. You can change this though if you take the lead in dramas which unfold today. You know your stuff, now its time to prove it.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Today the planet Mars helps you to work out what you do, and do not, want from a new face that has entered your life. You are full of so many different types of emotions, but today sees you reach a vital decision. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your time has not been your own and many of you have been feeling as if you are wasting time which could and should be spent elsewhere.  Events today give you hope and prove you are indeed appreciated. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) It is time for you to intervene in a family matter. A younger face is not being treated with the respect they deserve, and a certain close one needs to be told a few home truths before they do some permanent damage.  Wednesday, August 03, 2011   I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. Let's all just pretend there isn't one! , you'll say. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial E. will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 4th August    ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Although the stars are no longer hindering you, they are not exactly speeding up your journey either. Proceed slowly but surely, especially in matters of the heart. It doesnt do any harm to let others do some of the work for a change. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You are about to be given some options concerning your career. Use your own views and dont be influenced by well meaning but naïve new faces. Foreign names and accents open up a whole new world of possibilities. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) New faces you meet through your work are set to have a profound effect on your life, especially those born under the sign of Leo.  Dont pay out your money for things others are offering. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Money you are waiting for can come in time if you are willing to skip a step and go straight to the top. Politeness can help you avoid making unnecessary enemies. This is a day of revelations from your family. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A spiteful rival tries to cause friction but can, and will, be unsuccessful if you refuse to rise to the bait. Time is of the essence in love; its time to state how you really feel. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your love life is becoming a little complicated over small issues and its imperative that you take a look at the bigger picture before its too late. Commitments you make in your career take you up towards a promotion. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A fresh approach is needed if you are to ever solve that romantic issue at the forefront of your mind. Dont be too quick to put down a younger face; theyre on the road to success and you can join them if you show faith. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Live and let live. Dont interfere in an older persons foolishness. You have better places where your time can be spent. Number one being love and romance. Youre about to make a dramatic announcement. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A money situation is solved unexpectedly simply thanks to the magic of Jupiter and your faith of heart. You have told family something they feel they have to act on but dont worry, they have your best interests at heart. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Geminis seem to know more than they should about your business and you may be best to avoid them if you want to avoid having to come clean before youre ready. Fun times link to a text message you need to return. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Finances come under some excellent influences right now and speculations and deals are expected to go your way. You may have to tell a lie to family to get out of something you know is not for you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have mixed feelings about a new admirer which is why it is imperative you dont make any dramatic moves. Not until youve heard todays revelations. Travel you make in the name of a contract brings success.  Thursday, August 04, 2011   It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. -- Jerome K. Jerome    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then coughing them out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will answer the phone today by shouting You bloated sack of protoplasm!. Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive. You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) If you don't start relaxing a bit before lunch, you're going to develop a close cousin to IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) -- the dreaded Disgruntled Stomache. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: Hello, how are your feet?  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 5th August    ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Someone you used to admire in your career has let you down and you seem to have been left with a rather bad taste in your mouth.  There seems to be some rather strange circumstances attached to this, as events tonight soon prove. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Promises, plans and communications go awry. You want answers but youre not going to get them yet. Games in love make it hard for you to know where you stand but a Scorpio can help you find out. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are spreading yourself so thinly recently that its no wonder you feel so worn out. Arrange to do something with just you in mind. Its the only way youll be able to find your way back to feeling like yourself again. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Travel and work go hand in hand, but are not as simplistic as you may first think. Leave extra time for journeys and be prepared to have to put in overtime to get what you want this week. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Rally round a friend in need and, before you ask, its time not money that they are after from you. You need to focus more on what is important to you and not how things appear to others. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Travel plans need to be sorted out sooner rather than later or they could become more expensive than you can really afford.  Something you wanted but did not think can be yours will be if you take control. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Education is all a part of your future plans but you dont seem to want to have to put your hand in your own pocket. The good news is you wont have to if you chase up e-mails and letters youve been sent. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Domestic changes are very prominent right now so make sure you stand your ground. Youve thought more seriously than close ones think about these issues. Flirtations tonight can prove life changing. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You think a close one is angry with you but theyre actually upset at themselves. You see, you are such an able sign that you make many of the other signs feel at a disadvantage. Listen and youll learn this. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Angry confrontations can actually turn to passion. Both you and a close one have not been saying what needed to be said. This all changes today and facts are laid on the table.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You think youre not as important to a close one as you were because they dont have as much time for you. This is not so, and if you stop playing games and start returning calls and messages, youll learn this fact. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Something you did not want to do involving your family now seems the only solution to a somewhat tricky situation, which has escalated. Youll be pleased to hear that you can talk your way out of anything today, so use this gift well and quickly.  Friday, August 05, 2011   The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's prep-something ? Ah! Preparation -something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have a visit from The Scourge of Valderia. He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Hide. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 6th August    ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Finally from today, you start to set limitations. This is unlike you and is sure to leave you feeling nervous. Dont be. All you want can, and will, be yours as Capricorns are about to prove to you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Legal links are favoured and you can finally put to rest something which last month you lost much sleep over. Money matters are negotiable and provided you show honesty, you can find clarity. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Surprise news leaves you speechless but dont stay silent too long or you will miss out on getting invited on what is sure to be a colourful journey.  An argument with a close one needs a third partys involvement this afternoon. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have said some things you now regret and you dont seem to know how to go back and say sorry.  Do it quickly and it will be painless. Sleep on it another night, and it may prove impossible. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A new circle of friends you have started mixing with is bringing out a new side to your personality. Youre seeing a side of life which gives you reason to look forward to the day ahead. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Jupiter, the planet of self-expansion, helps you to realise that you can turn dreams into reality and that you do have the power of positive thinking. Distance yourself from that so-called friend who doesnt agree. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Financial matters come to the fore and, if you are offered the chance to get some professional advice on monetary matters, then you should, and must, accept it. Success can be yours if you lay all your cards on the table. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont be forced into doing something you dont want. You have been down this road before and you know now how to stand up to bullies. Return missed morning phone calls; they bring good news. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Property is highlighted and you may have to admit to some white lies you have told in order to get the love and respect that you have been seeking from a close one. Aries hold the key to a contract you need signing. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Friends from far away contact you with some really exciting news.  You are over analysing a relationship in your life which is best left to time to develop. Ease off with the pressure; just lie back and enjoy. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) News of births and major changes to the lives of those you love makes you sit up and take stock of where your life has led you. Important decisions will be reached by the end of this week which get you firmly back on track again. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may find yourself having to do what close ones want in order to keep the peace.  There are lots of loose ends you can tie up this month which can help you gain back the respect youve been missing from a loved one.  Saturday, August 06, 2011   Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will realize soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip . Sounds like party attire to me! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 7th August  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Someone who you care about has not been feeling or doing as well as they should. There is much you can do to lift their mood by just calling them with some light conversation.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A run in, with a face you had hoped you would not have to see is set to leave you with a lot of explaining to do to family. Its time to be honest about what you really want. Decision time is on your doorstep. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)To achieve great things, you must live as though you were never going to die. Youve been scared of yourself, when youre the power to make your greatest dreams come true. Confidence is the key to all you desire. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Stop shouting and start talking. You, of all signs, should know that no good could ever come of raising your voice. It may look good, but it certainly doesnt feel good. Peace talks between 6pm and 8pm bring success. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You and a close one have not been seeing eye to eye and you have both said some things which you now regret.  Time spent talking after 3pm can see you finding some common ground. Use it well. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Help you have needed in your career is at last offered. You may have to make a small sacrifice of your own as far as your time is concerned but it is sure to be well worth the effort. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You need a break as it is quite clear from your stars that you have been burning the candle at both ends. The Sun brings out your generous side and you need to be careful friends arent taking advantage of you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Family are not telling you what you want to hear about a problem which you thought you were handling quite well on your own. They dont, however, know the full story so you may want to tell them and quickly. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Work is proving more difficult lately and many of your sign may even find themselves doing the work of others in order to make good time or hit a target. Contracts coming your way offer promising finances. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Why you insist on listening to gossip which is not true is a mystery. Even an emotional sign such as you can see that close ones are exaggerating.  Be nice to Leos, they have the contacts you need to make a life change. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Your work is on your mind and it seems that you may have left something at work or some work undone. It may be the weekend, but dont be afraid to tie up those loose ends. It can earn you the respect of an important face. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Family come first today, especially as you now realise how major the change which is taking place in a loved ones life is. They need some TLC, and you are the sign who can give it.  Changes in your career bring an exciting new face your way. Sunday, August 07, 2011   My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. -- Woody Allen    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I'm afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 8th August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Job and career changes are in the air and Aries are significant in the coming weeks events. Dress to impress, it could make all the difference to success or failure. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) To accomplish great things we must not only act, but also dream. Not only plan, but also believe. Start to do these things and you will surpass your wildest dreams within a matter of months. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You must not say things about people you dont really know. If youre not careful, youre going to get yourself a reputation as a gossip. You miss someone. Give them a call; they have important news to share with you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Broken promises come back on you and you may have to go out of your way in order to make some sort of an apology to your loved ones.  Overseas links prove interesting and very lucky. Virgos have guessed your secret. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Yours is a delicate situation which you think you cannot get out of. There is a way forward. Your options are more flexible at this time than you think. Examine them and answers will be found. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This is an important month for you professionally and personally, so enjoy it. The main frame of your work is already done.  Watch out for a Capricorn or Scorpio trying to claim glory for your efforts. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Arguments that take place at the weekend must be resolved quickly and calmly if you are to avoid the coming week being nothing more than a minefield and especially if a Pisces is involved. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You should actually find yourself having a really good time once you get rid of those inhibitions.  Geminis can keep that secret which I know is eating away at you, but doesnt have to be. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) If you want to improve your confidence then wear red to bring out the best in your personality. News you receive of someone from your past gives you reason to feel confident about your future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Look out for unexpected events occurring in love. You are going to be faced with the opportunity to impress a lot of new faces in your life but dont allow your confidence to become arrogance. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) How you deal with your financial affairs on this day could well dictate if you end up in the black or the red. Dont pluck figures out of the air, but tell it like it is, and success will be yours. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You must make more time for an older family member. They have a lot of information you need to know, which can in fact change the way you view a younger face.  Monday, August 08, 2011   Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul. Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually wrestled a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will casually mention the German term for exit ramp , and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You know that how you dress will inevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed .) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to The Mongol Horde , you might take notice. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with muzac in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting nick nacks .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 9th August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A disagreement is getting out of hand. Call a truce before tomorrow if you want to ensure a hassle free weekend. You know you have bigger fish to fry. Financial success is yours if you can focus. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Please dont tell your close ones how much you have or you could miss out on a personal extravagance midmonth youve long been waiting for. Lies in family confrontations must not be an option. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You may not want to think of a close one making changes but you may have no choice if you are to keep them in your life. Money comes in late around now so prepare accordingly. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Talk through the way you are feeling with a close one or you are going to give them the impression you are acting irrationally.  Youve thought about this change for a long time though, havent you? LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youve placed so much importance into the petty matters that you have been missing out on the fun events that have been occurring. Let your hair down. The impossible is possible tonight if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You dont mean to tell people what to do, its just that you can see from the outside the obvious answers which others cant. Favours you do in business today stand you in good stead. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) An experience you have recently been through has affected you more than you are admitting. Talking to a close one about how you feel can halve your problem, so take the first step, today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) This is a day of revelations for you.  By the end of today, you will know important facts, which can help you decide what you want to do with your future. Ignoring a problem at work wont make it go away. Deal with that too, today. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your instincts are likely to be spot on. In fact, you will be able to tell if someone is lying just from the way they are standing. Dont let others know you have this gift just yet, not when it gives you such an edge. Call now to hear where you can use it best. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Wait twenty-four hours before signing any contracts or you could be missing out on getting a chance to see what the bigger picture is. New work avenues bring out your more passionate side. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youve been running on empty and its time to put yourself first. After all, if you dont make yourself a priority, why should anyone else? Make that call and put us all out of our misery. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may be finding it hard to get family members to fit in with your plans as you had hoped but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their mind today.  Tuesday, August 09, 2011   If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the International Tiddly Wink Open three years running. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbours a bit -- keeps them civil. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 10th August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A forgotten financial commitment leaves you short of cash, but a fellow Aries can provide you with successful alternatives.  Dont let down family, they have gone out of their way to do something on your behalf. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Family prove both demanding and expensive. You may not be able to get out of a commitment with someone you would rather avoid, but some valuable lessons will be learnt this week which enrich your life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Younger faces prove troublesome, and could even put a dent in the way others view you. Calm down and speak slowly, shouting will only make you look worse not better. Peace talks are favoured after 3pm. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre not getting answers from a close one. Start off by backing off and giving them time to think.  In fact my friend, the stars suggest it will be your recipe for success if you do. Call now to hear how the moon brings flirtation your way. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You seem to be intent on investing into something, which although you see as your future your close ones see as a waste of time. Keep sight of your dreams, you can prove them all wrong. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Don't worry about a minor upset happening in your love life.  If you're truthful you will admit that you have both been more than a little touchy, and you both want to make up.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are the sign first being affected by the current line up, which promises us all action, drama and intrigue.  The only worry I have is you seem to be the main star in this production.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Its not been an easy few weeks for you and I can see there have been some hard lessons learned. Youve come out the other side now. All you have to do is realise this fact! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The new way you have started dealing with an old problem has earned you a lot of respect from your close ones. This is proven in the invitations soon to come your way for the upcoming days. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Capricorns link to intrigue at lunchtime, which involves you. The best approach to new relationships in your life, both business and personal, are for you to start being yourself and success will follow. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are not exactly known for your patience recently, are you my friend? Why dont you try asking the question burning away inside you? Well all be happier once you do.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Travel plans make this a really exciting time for you. In fact, opportunities are opening up to you that you had never dreamed could be a reality this time last year. Geminis hold a new attraction for you, but go slow to ensure success.  Wednesday, August 10, 2011   Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. -- Last words of Pancho Villa    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually Did you know that there's a spider on your neck? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's voluntary , right? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) One part of you really wants something, and another part of you wants to wait. It's quite normal, actually, to have these little internal arguments. Just don't let it escalate into a fist fight.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 11th August   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) An expensive time, but well worth it. Enjoyments and events such as these are unlikely to take place again. Make sure you let the real you shine through today; it can attract the perfect partners. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Look around you. You should see that you are finally starting to mix with some new and very varied friends. Just what you wanted last month in fact but were unable to get. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Mercury tries to offer you help in your career and it would not be a bad thing if you spent some of your time this weekend working on professional matters. Its sure, in fact, to give you the edge. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A close one is blaming you for something which did not happen, but which was not even in your control. Talks, which you have later today, can prove this fact. Keep your cool though, or you will give them new reasons to bear a grudge. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have been let down by someone. And you appear to be taking it so very personally. Please dont. Events will soon prove that this is a blessing in disguise. Phone calls and e-mails back up this point later today. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You can love someone and not like them you know. You seem to be fed up with the lack of freedom you have had of late. Dont be. Break free and great things will happen. You have been your own worst taskmaster my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Younger faces prove both problematic and expensive. If you can work on helping them, then you can gain the respect and freedom youve been looking for. All they need is a little encouragement from you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You are thinking more about your appearance, and some of you may even make the effort today to keep up some sort of a personal fitness regime. Rumours regarding love arent true. Ignore them. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Travel plans are in abundance but watch out for air signs, Geminis, Librans and Aquarians letting you down at the last minute. Be prepared to go ahead without them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You are finding it hard to say what you know is the right thing and a mischievous mood could get you into all sorts of trouble. Making that phone call can get you out of this giddy mood.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Friends from the past seek you out and you start to realise that it can be a good thing to join both your past and your present together.  Conversations with Pisceans tell you who was to blame for a recent mix up. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your need for a confrontation may see you getting into a difficult situation with a close one.  Back down, and let today show you the facts instead of the hearsay, which has been circulating up to now.  Thursday, August 11, 2011   The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says Quantum Physics for Dogs , and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making Ark! Ark! sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior , and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 12th August  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are known as a stubborn sign sometimes, but your actions over this week really take the biscuit. Try not to say things you dont mean.  Work on all things positive. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A loved one has not been feeling their usual positive self and you may find yourself having to apologise on their behalf, to faces that dont really understand their ways yet. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont argue with family over matters which you know you will never see eye to eye over.  Travel plans prove exciting, but be prepared to have to make some sort of a compromise for a Taurean. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The home comes under the spotlight, and you need to ask yourself if youre really happy where you are. If the answer is no, then it will be time for some major changes. Keep on the good side of Geminis; they can change your financial status. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) It would appear a certain friend is affecting the way you act and it is time to take a stand. The best advice comes your way via a Scorpio who knows more than youd thought. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Old business contacts hold the key to you sorting out difficult work matters before the week is out.  Working hard at this time can make up for the lost time you suffered earlier in the month.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have changed your attitude towards a person who used to mean the world to you. You still care for them; youve simply knocked them off of that pedestal they were sitting on, and about time too. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) I know you havent been feeling as strong as you should and this is mainly due to the fact that you have been burning the candle at both ends, placing so many pressures on yourself.  Good news shows it was all worthwhile after 6pm. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Something you thought you wanted, no longer holds the same appeal to you since a close one got involved.  You can raise the stakes as you discover that you are more than able to compete for higher prizes. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Financial matters come under the spotlight and you may have to tell a close one things you would rather have kept to yourself in order to get things sorted in a satisfactory manner.  Im proud of you; youve come a long way. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Flirtations are all around but not all of them are as innocent as they first seem. Beware of getting involved with people who are not free or you could end up getting yourself a reputation. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are no longer sure of your feelings for a close one. Back off and give yourself some time. To say you have both been through some dramas recently would be an understatement.  Friday, August 12, 2011   If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it. On the door of a Moscow hotel room    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up heads , tails , heads , heads. Then someone will come up and say hey, whatcha doing? Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn't like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!