Daily Horoscopes....

omeg · Aug 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 13th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Too many differing opinions may be confusing your vision for the future. Listen to your own instincts, especially those that are calling regarding love and romance. Geminis help you make a crossover in your career. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your thinking is clearer than it has been in days and this seems to be largely due to the fact that you are no longer allowing other peoples opinion to blur your usually good judgement. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Let go of that impossible dream, youre wasting a good thing. Patience is wearing thin, far quicker than you think. Youre better than that and you need to be aiming higher my friend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) With Saturn, the planet of structure helping, not hindering, you start to get a sense of purpose again. You also start to have faith in a close one who, earlier in the month, you were sure was going to let you down. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Children are of special significance and you may find yourself going out of your way to help someone who is not as worldly as you. News of an ex leaves you puzzled and may give you reason to make a series of phone calls. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Make sure you dress to impress today. Youll be meeting up with people who can help you to improve your life on both a personal and a professional basis. Aries tell lies, dont act on their words. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre not feeling as strong as you should and this is largely due to the fact that you have been dealing with a lot of mental strain. Conversations with the faces they concern can bring you the answers you seek. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A new attraction on the social scene seems to be looking your way but just remember to keep those standards up where they belong. Youve accepted second best before havent you? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A relief in money pressures comes at just the right time and links to an interfering but very knowledgeable Taurean. You must not indulge in gossip via e-mails and texts today or youll end up taking all the blame. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may find yourself going to places where you might see the person you cant get off of your mind. Why not let them get in contact instead? It will be far better for you to know that they were seeking you out, rather than vice versa. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are spending money you need to be saving. Stop and take stock please. Opportunity is all around and the sooner you make a gameplan suited to you, and not others, the sooner you will taste success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are more emotionally centred than you have been in a while. Its as if youve taken off those blinkers you were wearing and you now better understand what, and who, really works for you. Saturday, August 13, 2011 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and walking it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch. -- Edited by PMM2008 on Saturday 13th of August 2011 11:13:18 AM

omeg · Aug 14, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 14th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The revival of a relationship could actually turn out to be well worthwhile. It will take a lot of guts and some white lies to friends and family. Travel and work make you money and earn you respect. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You think you know what you want, but you have been looking at the glass as if it is half empty, when it is actually half full. Conversations and phone calls this afternoon can prove you hold all the aces. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are sending out mixed signals and it would be in your best interests to back down and take some time out so that you may think properly about how your actions will affect others. Great things await if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) An urge to get in touch with someone who is no longer a part of your life could see you going to some extraordinary lengths. Work offers new challenges and you get the chance to push for something you were about to give up on. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Family prove expensive company and if you lend five, theyll want ten, so be careful what you say today. Not only could conversation leave you short of money, but it could also lead to major arguments. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are the sign that others will be turning to for advice and guidance. However, you are also in the mood for playing some games. Careful my friend, these are peoples lives youre playing with. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont tell your loved ones off for things they did not mean to do. You must remember that the standards you set are the ones you must live by yourself too, so try to think before you speak please. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You dont want to give up on a relationship which is showing signs of failure. This is a good thing though as it offers you the chance to prove that you are a fighter. Constructive words today build the foundation for a better future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A promise you have been made in your career is unlikely to come off as you had hoped and you would be wise to put out feelers elsewhere. Just to have a back up plan can give you the edge, especially with tomorrows events. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Work has been proving pretty stressful lately and so you must try to use today to relax and unwind. If you dont have some you time, then how can you be expected to work well and consistently too? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Jupiter is helping you to grow and change in ways that can help you to make a crossover in your career which this time last year was not a possibility. Peace talks with older family members go well tonight. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Romantic elements are strong but dont make any commitments just yet. Time and the planets are on your side. You have been spending too much time speculating on your career and not enough pushing. Change this. Sunday, August 14, 2011 I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the Big Band theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call Tuba Ensemble. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the Big Band theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call Tuba Ensemble . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as Frijole-breath before the day is through. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to invest in collectable things. Susan B. Anthony dollars make a good start (they can only plummet so far, after you invest in them, unlike your normal investments).

omeg · Aug 15, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 15th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Friends turn into lovers for many of your sign, but for how long is a whole different story. A long-term contract is looming. Ensure that you check all facts carefully while you still have the time and the power to do so. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Trust your feelings in love today. They wont let you down, no matter how crazy or off the wall they may seem to friends and family. Saturn helps you to realise a long lost dream in your career. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Competition can be a healthy thing in love, but it can also be very frustrating too, cant it? Dont charge into battle, but hold up a white flag. The calm and collected approach will win you all your brownie points. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Mars, the planet of change and unpredictability, offers you the chance to pick up where you left off with a relationship you thought you would have to let go of. Dont decide anything until youve heard what Virgos have to say. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You think you know a lot, but you dont know half as much as you are going to by the time today is over. Dont bully a younger face. Show faith in them, and they will make you very proud indeed. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are not feeling positive about a work matter, but you should as you have friends in higher places than you realised. A chance to help a friend out by telling a white lie is likely to have repercussions, so be careful. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A trusted friend reveals another side to their character which may give you reason not to tell them that secret youre keeping. Romance is foremost on your mind and youre about to make a decision which can change the course of your life. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A run in with an ex leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth. Move on, youre better than that. Some exciting news regarding your future comes from an old acquaintance Mars brings your way. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) It has not been easy for you to relax lately, and that is mainly because you have been placed under so many pressures by family and career mates. All of that changes from here on in though, with a new routine you learn about. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You dont seem to want to let go of the responsibility for a close one, and yet when they let you have control, you didnt want it. Take time out of your day to write down whats a priority, you may just be in for a surprise. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A secret is best kept secret this week, despite the temptation you have to reveal all. A new face in the family does not meet with your approval. You are wrong, so give them time to prove themselves. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Education and schooling all come under favourable aspects at this time. Your mind is open to learning new things, and you start to find faith again in who you are and what you want. Monday, August 15, 2011 A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things. -- Herman Melville <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchouli. Only an idiot wears patchouli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of Doug. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! ) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Confucious said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

omeg · Aug 16, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 16th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Arguments can turn to passion as true feelings are finally spoken and secrets youve kept are allowed to air. Your reputation is on the line, so make sure your words and actions are ones you can be proud of. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Family are proving really difficult at the moment and it would seem that someone, somewhere along the line, has been telling some very large lies. Talks with friends and family now, help you find clarity. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Keeping your opinions to yourself is not an option at this time. It is quite clear that you have taken more than you should from a certain person and its time to assert your true position in this current game. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Plans concerning the home are held up yet again. Relax, as this is sure to turn out to be a blessing in disguise. You think you are not in control, but you could not be more wrong. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You could find yourself agreeing to do things which others dont see sense in. You however, have the gift of foresight and so it would be worth your while going with your gut instincts today, and not the advice of others. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Gossip is all around. Be careful that you dont add fuel to an already burning fire by saying things which may not be true. A new character entering your social circle is more compatible than you realise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your personal life is going through somewhat of a rough phase at the moment. I know you think you dont have anyone to talk to, but youre wrong. The person concerned has some explaining they want to do later today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You seem to be worried about someone close to you who is not taking care of themselves. Say your piece and then back off. You cant always help people who dont want to help themselves. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your all too often quick temper makes it hard for you to stay calm when close ones bring up past mistakes. However, by staying composed today you can gain the upper hand and respect you need. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Stop talking for the sake of it and start to focus on the bigger picture. By working on what you want, and not playing out a role that looks impressive, you will start to experience true joy. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Unknown factors, and well meaning but interfering friends, make this a pretty confusing day. Its time to back track and turn around. You have lost your way but can find it again, if you jump in the driving seat. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You and a close one dont seem to be getting along as you had hoped. In fact, you start to think better of yourself and it is this push in your self-confidence today, which is about to ensure great things follow. Tuesday, August 16, 2011 It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will receive a Dear John letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't John. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading Dear Big People... . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot! . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

omeg · Aug 17, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 17th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Family take precedence. Younger faces prove expensive but you may have no choice but to help them out, especially as you were the one who coerced them into the decisions they made. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone is copying you. They want what you have, but this has to be the greatest form of flattery. Dont take offence. They cant tread on your toes, even if they wanted to. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You need to make peace with a family member that you have fallen out with. I know you think they should do it first, but theyre not going to. Be the bigger person, its sure to give you the edge in days to come. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Stop blaming yourself for things that went wrong. You did what you thought was right at the time and that in itself deserves praise. What occurs from today onwards leads you to a better love life, so proceed with confidence. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may find yourself over emotional. You may burst into tears over things youd normally laugh about. Youve come through the other side of an emotional drama and you must allow yourself to experience the emotions that go with this. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) News of a marriage may surprise you, but ultimately it will make you reassess your own life and look at where you are going and what, and who, you want. Travel plans you make on the back of this prove life changing. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Work you do at this time helps you gain the upper hand with someone who last month was not willing to give you a break. This month theyll have to. The number eight links to a lie you must not tell. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Children are highlighted in your chart and you will find that others listen when you speak and act on the advice you give. Use this newfound power well. A close ones future depends on it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You seem to have grown distant from a person you used to see as an essential part of your week. Everyone goes through periods of change and transition, so ride the change. Better times are ahead. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A loved one is ready to listen to what you have to say. They are sorry they were so stubborn but you were putting up so many barriers last week you left them with no choice. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A disappointment is quickly followed by a happy surprise so try to keep your mood a positive one throughout the coming days. A problem with a contract or the written word must be solved using a professional. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You must be excited at the moment. You can feel the air of change and you now realise that you dont have to have limitations. A close ones mean words must be glossed over, you and I know its just stress. Wednesday, August 17, 2011 The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting huck, huck! sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say Ow! . That's when I usually say No pain, no gain. Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

omeg · Aug 18, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 18th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Look successful, be successful! Its vital you put your best foot forward today. Important people are taking in all you say and do and first impressions will count for more than you realise. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A change of plans involves a new image and may require you to be more flexible than your current mood is allowing for. Aries and Leos want to change your financial status. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) There are some powerful forces at work in the heavens today. These can help you to right a wrong which was beginning to spiral your life out of control. This is your last chance though, so say sorry where its due. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Communication from a face from the past is anything but an accident, so try not to believe otherwise. You know you want a fresh future and not a worn out old one, so dont be dragged down. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A big turning point in love is coming soon. Be prepared and ask yourself what you want long term, and not just short term. You have been living life day to day and its time to focus more long term. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) It is the little things that you do for your close ones which will count today. Bear this in mind when thinking about making flippant remarks at lunchtime. It could make all the difference as to whether a relationship is staying, or going, from your life. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Education is well starred and you may be thinking of expanding your knowledge and trying your hand at something new. Work is proving stressful, which could well be the reason behind the new paths youre seeking. Aries improve your career and attitude. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Relax and enjoy yourself. Its been a while since youve been able to let down those defences and I feel sure that what you want can now be yours. All you have to do is admit to yourself what, and who, really makes you happy. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Happy times link to you doing what makes you happy and not to you being bullied into what a close one wants. Stand tall and speak with confidence. This is your time and you mustnt let anyone tell you otherwise. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your thinking is clearer and you should know by the end of today where you stand with a delicate work issue. Someone new in your career holds the key to the breakthrough you dream of. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Professional breakthroughs are possible this week. Important people now know your name and you hold the power to change the status of your finances. Dont tell Leos too much about your personal life, they cant keep your secrets. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A minor incident is blown out of proportion and you must act quickly if you are to avoid looking and feeling the fool. You have been playing to an audience and its time to play things down. Thursday, August 18, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with l'orange , and you'll have time to slip out the back way. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big family. Or at least, that's what you'll say. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming.

omeg · Aug 19, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 19th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You may have to work alongside someone you dont really like. Come on! Show what a true professional you can be. Actions which you take on this day are your entrance to the big time. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Food and drink are the major focus at this time and seem to be your way of getting up close and personal with a face who is fast becoming the main focus of your life. Check your finances; something is not as it should be. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont think you need to tell lies and tall stories just to impress those in your life. Tell it like it is. That way youll find a compatible partner, rather than just an acceptable one. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Trust your first instincts in all things this week, especially those with a romantic overture. You may think you dont know what you want, but youre wrong, as upcoming dramas will soon prove. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may have to be nice to people you dont really gel with, but for reasons which are sure to add power to your spending this time next month. Dont tell lies to family who already know more than you thought. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Fun times link to a better relationship evolving in your personal life today. Some cheering news involves others as well as yourself and should give you reason, before the end of this month, to pack your bags for some exciting travel. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Geminis can help you move that mountain and can also help you find more fun and humour in your work than has so far been the case. The number four links to a path in love, which is your destiny. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Stick to your routine and disregard the distraction or get ready to pay the price, which could end up being your reputation. You have not been concentrating on your own life as much as others so take stock. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Sacrifices you make for a younger face prove well worthwhile. Someone has to put an elder person in their place but dont let it be you who volunteers. Play the peacemaker today, or lose a friend. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A new option opens up which should please you very much, especially as you finally get to see things from a new and more productive perspective. Younger faces need your guidance but remember to amend your advice to their age. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You must not tell everyone everything about your past. It may sound good now, but could feel bad later when you realise it is only your dirty laundry that is on very public display. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Geminis encourage spending, so beware. An admirer is beginning to become a nuisance and it may be time to nip it in the bud before things spiral out of your control. Friday, August 19, 2011 For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea) <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt). <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Tiddly wink day. Make it count. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage. The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say Hay! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive . You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will be struck by the notion that Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive . You have a mind of great depth and profundity. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

omeg · Aug 22, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 22nd August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Try to avoid falling out with the people you love. It may be harder for you to make up than you think. Focusing on the positive is the best option for you this week, especially if Librans are involved. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You dont seem to want to help a family member any more, even though you would have gone out of your way last month to accommodate them. Theyve changed and so have you, and conversations today move the goal posts for good. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The current line up is making it hard for you to play fair in love, and you may be wise to leave any important talks until the stars are not feeling so hostile. You may end up saying things you regret. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You must not feel put out, if a close one cannot spend the time you would like with you. Once they have sorted out their professional obligations they will be yours, and with a clear mind. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A new way, to get on with a face you have never previously been able to see eye to eye with, should make your life a far more relaxed place to be. Dont cancel appointments you had for today, your future success relies on it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Mercury seems to be playing tricks with your mind. You think you have more than you do, but then retrograde periods such as this always were a pain for you. You can beat the system by saving, not spending, this week. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Talk of marriage in your inner circle may make you feel nervous and excited. Your own life has changed, and you can now look at the future with a more open mind. Anything is possible, as this month will soon prove. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your energy levels are not what youd like them to be. You have given up on something, which you could actually have, if you focused a little more. Regroup and get your priorities in order. Life is waiting to be lived. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Someone, you thought you could trust with a secret, has let you down. You dont realise it yet, but they have actually brought you freedom, not lost it for you. Events after pm prove this fact. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Children, and the younger generation in general, seem to be responsible for the depleting funds you are experiencing. The good news is that such investments are worthwhile, but you wont find this out until next week. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Lost possessions make you think of the past, and help you put life into perspective. Youll realise what you want, and also whats not important. Post letters today that you know are important, or there could be a price to pay. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The people you meet, and the conversations you have on this day are more than a little deep. They are image altering, and life changing. Someone new links to your past, in more ways than you can imagine. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more. -- Dorothy Parker <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to fritter things away. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a ping sound rather than a pop . That's a bad habit, anyway. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley . Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

omeg · Aug 23, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 23rd August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) With current aspects, you are going to find it hard to get anyone to tell you the cold hard facts. Bide your time and use today to recharge your batteries, much can be achieved if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Our aspirations are our possibilities. Dont let go of your dreams, but rather pursue them. Conversations, you have on this day, play an important role in all this. Wear green for luck in family affairs today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A run in, with an ex of some sort, has left you feeling a little dejected. Dont be Gemini. There is so much for you to look forward to, and events after 4pm will prove to you, that you hold all the aces. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You are so well loved by your close ones that they really would do anything for you. Just be careful my friend, that you dont take advantage. Know how far is too far, or it will come back on you before this month is up. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone, you did not expect to announce a life change, will do so. In the process they may leave you feeling at a loose end, as you search for a major drama of your own. Waits a day or two; its coming and its a cracker. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Take the attitude of a student. Never be too big to ask questions. Never know too much to learn something new. This is the month you can start to spend more of your time doing what you enjoy, pursue your dreams. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Money matters come to a head, and you may have to ask for some help from a loved one, in order to ensure that your plans can evolve, as you would like them to. Dont miss appointments today or tomorrow, its vital you attend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You and a family member have not been seeing eye to eye over matters. You can and will, now that the stars are feeling more helpful. Pick up the phone for peace talks; theyre ready to say sorry too. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) New relationships progress with great speed, and close ones may be concerned that youre making a mistake. They have your best interests at heart. Listen with grace and then do what feels right, but dont get involved in futile arguments. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Old friends make this a really special week. You are finally realising you dont have to be alone any more. Youre re entering society and, with the experience you now have behind you, success is guaranteed. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Love makes it hard for you to tell the truth to close ones. It may be best to say nothing rather than to lie, as your actions are giving away more than you realise. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Something, you have put a lot of time and effort into does not seem to have developed in the way you had hoped. Back down and start again. Those who matter have noticed your efforts and are willing to aid you in your journey. Tuesday, August 23, 2011 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. Horngren's Observation <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win. The second law says you can't break even. The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: Who Do You Want To Be Today? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? Happy Good! Me Like Happy! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered egg in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You'll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get the yank .

omeg · Aug 24, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 24th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The stars line up to give you the gift of the gab today. Use it well and make that apology, which you know you owe to a close one. By doing so, you can move on to bigger and better things. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Be careful of what you say and do, especially during the morning hours please. A flippant mood is likely to see you putting down those, who may not be feeling their usual confident selves. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st0 To have someone help you in your relationship, by counselling you or giving you good advice, does not make you a failure, it makes you a hero. Accept help and build a strong base, youll soon be infallible. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have said and done some things, which you now regret, but pride is stopping you from saying sorry where its due. Do it tonight and youll gain the respect youre seeking. Wait longer and you may never get it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont be surprised if you find yourself saying and doing things, which cause speculation. The planets are bringing out your more dramatic side, and you are daring to be different. Romance proves to be a powerful influence on you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont let younger faces wind you up. Rise above it and work on completing all that you had promised yourself you would achieve today. E-mails sent, and letters posted, ensure finances go in your favour. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The home is on your mind, and you may be faced with the prospect of a major change affecting your abode. Careful of taking advice from those born under the sign of Scorpios, who think they know whats best for you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You must never be afraid to take a bit of good advice. Even you cant know everything. You are on a learning curve, and the coming days are sure to prove to you that your life is guaranteed to be an exciting one. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A new commitment in your career is going to be taking up more of your time than you would have liked. Dont complain, this is the break youve been waiting for, as an Aquarian will soon prove to you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Harmless flirtations take a turn for the serious, and you have to ask yourself how you really feel about the person concerned. Dramatics, which unfold after 2pm today, will give you a clear indication Capricorn. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Cancelled plans may upset you, but they will also give you a chance to plan again with more precision. News on a friend from far away, offers you the opportunity to make an exciting trip. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) It is going to be all too easy for you to let go, and say the words which you know will force a close ones hand in a situation, which has been building up between you. Listen dont speak though, and youll learn much more. Wednesday, August 24, 2011 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Anon <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the situation occurs.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge paw prints around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed. ) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal? and they say Crunchy things? Soon, you will. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper mach animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a weapon of incredible range and power . You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your next fortune cookie will say See? We told you it taste like chicken!

omeg · Aug 25, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 25th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The way you deal with your career on this day can make all the difference to the way that superiors view you. A new talent is emerging, and it would do you well to put your money and time further into it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have not been treated fairly, and the longer you continue to accept being treated as second best, the worse you will feel. Stand up for yourself, even if it means a confrontation. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Travel is well starred for you, but may end up costing you more than you had thought. Others are willing to help you, if you would only speak clearly and say what you really want. Mixed signals are not your friend right now. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Major changes beckon to you. Go slow and dont rush into things, no matter how tempting the faces offering such delicacies may be. Long distance travels are in your plans, but youd be wise to confirm arrangements before paying money out. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A new group of friends, who have recently entered your life, are unlikely to meet with the approval of old friends and family. Stand your ground. Your thinking is clear now and bonds are sure to be made once tempers calm. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Sometimes we have to make changes for ourselves, and not just for our close ones. They may not approve at first, but they will, when they see how happy you are. New influences in your life help you feel as if you are living again. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You are working hard because you have no choice, and because youre aware that if you dont, someone else will. You have a way to go before you get the praise you want, but youre on the right path, so stay focused. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The love sector of your chart is highlighted, and you find yourself asking for commitments, which last month you would have run a mile from. Youve changed, and words you speak after 6pm confirm this. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Many people realise their hearts desires late in life. Continue learning, never stop striving, and keep your curiosity sharp, thus ensuring you will never become too old to appreciate life. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have not been feeling as strong as you would like, and some would say that your health is a mirror image of your emotional state. Take time out; get rid of what isnt working and a new you will instantly emerge. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You want to do so much with your life, I know that. However, you have spent more time talking, than actually doing, recently. Phone calls and communications, on this day, offer you the chance to skip the process and find excitement. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A new view of a person, you never previously really warmed to, should help you to put the fun back into life again. You have mellowed recently, and life should start to offer you much more, both romantically and financially. Thursday, August 25, 2011 Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as Doctor. This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a ping sound rather than a pop . That's a bad habit, anyway. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the wacky inventor hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

omeg · Aug 26, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 26th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Things, you have been losing lately, should all be clear signs and signals to you that you have a scatty mind, and that you are weighed down with important decisions. Talks, you have with family, can rectify this tonight. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The stars line up to make relationships with older faces and authority figures more important than usual. Just make sure you keep important paperwork. It is set to be more relevant to your future than you imagine. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) I know there are tensions in the home, and I know there are times when you feel trapped. You dont have to go through these emotions on your own. Aries are willing and able to help you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The wellbeing of a close one comes into question today and you start to worry, that those you love are not taking care of themselves. Honest talking after 4pm can build really important bridges. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) News of a marriage or a change in a close ones life is set to change the way you view your own life. Dont tell others secrets tonight; you will need moral support yourself for the changes youll soon crave. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are not able to do all that you had planned, as family seem to need your help with something they now deem as your responsibility. You always were a born leader, so its no wonder youre given this role. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) New friends are leading you astray, and you dont seem to be putting up much of a fight. Its obvious from one look at your chart that you need to blow off some steam. A close one is saying things they dont mean today, ignore. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Jealousy, you are experiencing, is getting in the way of an otherwise enjoyable weekend. Come on now put the past behind you and get on with enjoying the many good things, which are being offered. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Talks, with family members, open your eyes to what has really been going on behind closed doors. Dont take action. Not until you can work out what really needs to be said and done. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Time and energy, spent on loved ones lives, can pay back dividends. You have been so busy recently that they were beginning to think you didnt care. How wrong they were, and how right you are to show them so. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A new way, to deal with an old problem, comes to light and you find yourself walking with a far lighter step. A new flirtation hots up, and you are faced with a difficult decision. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Friendships are tested, and you have to ask yourself what, and who, is really important to you. By asking yourself, and not others, these questions you will find the true happiness you seek. Friday, August 26, 2011 We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the Nighty Knight. You should be ashamed of yourself. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of despot ? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of short people. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter Much bad juju , and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

omeg · Aug 27, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 27th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This is a good week for reflecting and for taking stock of your life. Youve come a long way and you need to acknowledge this fact, before you plan the exciting phase to follow. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You think you know what you want, but then you listen to the advice of those around you, and you become uncertain of who you are, and what you need again. Assert your independence today and important answers will be found. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You must not ask for responsibilities you know you would not want full time. All of the things, which are on offer at this time, are far more of a commitment than you realise. Research now, commit later. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A fresh view of an old problem is given an extra helping hand by someone born under the sign of Gemini. A simple task becomes a big issue, and the initial A can help you smooth things over. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Make sure you check you have everything with you before you go out today. Forgotten documents could end up costing you dearly. A puzzling communication is now explained, and you are free to openly tell a secret. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You are going to be acting out of character today, as the planetary line up places you in a seductive and playful mood. Dont lead on someone you dont really care for. You could be causing longer-term damage than you realise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre tired, and it shows. Why not arrange to do something, which is purely for you. If you dont put yourself first once in a while, then why should anyone else? A new attraction looks promising. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) All glory comes from daring to begin. If you think you can, you will. If you think you cant, you wont. Taureans are ready, willing and able to help you, so seek them out. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont boast about finances, or you will find yourself without any. Certain close ones need help, and may see loose talk as an invitation for help. Contracts need changing; sort it out. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You are not feeling as strong as you should, and its time to take some time out so you can take stock, and work out where, and with whom, your next move should be. Your destiny in fact, depends on it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You pretend that you are thick skinned, but you and I know different dont we? You want to say so much, but you dont know where to start. Assistance, thats offered by a Scorpio, can help you rectify this fact. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Someone who has no right has taken over a family matter, which would have been better dealt with by you. Its not time to speak up just yet, as the planets play tricks, but it will be soon, so get ready. Saturday, August 27, 2011 Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nose hair day. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of Village Idiot , in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been getting tired of the same old look , day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

omeg · Aug 28, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 28th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A new side to a close one has left you with a bad taste in your mouth. You didnt know they could be so mean. Theyve been under pressure, but so have you, and its time to set yourself standards to live by. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A new attraction is proving hard to resist but you seem to be spending far too much time worrying what other people will think. Shocking news brings you back to earth and forces your hand in a very good way. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Give to your close ones every right that you claim for yourself. It is only by doing this that you will find the respect which I know is so important to a sign such as you. A false friend shows their true colours later tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Acceptance of others - their looks, their behaviours, their beliefs, will bring you an inner peace and tranquillity, instead of anger and resentment. Live and let live tonight and you can change the course of your life. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Important people are watching you. Make every word and action count and you will soon find that opportunity is rife. You dont want help with a personal matter, but you need it, so accept it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You think you dont want your family to help you, but you need to understand that they do know you pretty well. Any words they say to you are only meant with your best interests at heart. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You may think that the work you did at the beginning of this month is wasted, but youd be wrong. Setbacks turn out to be blessings, so keep a positive stance. Important doors are about to open for you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If a close one says some things which hurt you, dont take them too much to heart. You may not realise it, but many of the signs are under some extreme pressures right now. Apologies should come by tonight. If not, then reassess. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont be too quick to tell tales on the people in your life. You may need some back up of your own, for a white lie, far sooner than you think. Monetary matters come under helpful aspects after 3pm. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Love and hate run close together at the moment for you. Slow your pace and look at the facts, not just the hearsay that certain signs are spreading. Confrontations with an ex offer you the upper hand. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The way you are dealing with a financial problem is not earning you any supporters. In fact, you would be wise my friend to back down and think about trying a different tactic. Opportunities after 1pm allow you to do just this. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Younger faces prove problematic in the sense that they want what you need. Helping them at this time can soon give you the energy you need to succeed in your own right. Clues to which, you see today. Sunday, August 28, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your only hope was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? Happy Good! Me Like Happy! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter Much bad juju , and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a smidgeon and a pinch. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken . It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

omeg · Aug 29, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 29th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) What you want for yourself, isnt necessarily what your family want for you. This is a fact you now realise. However, try as you might you cant seem to tell them this fact. Youre about to discover, theyve guessed it for themselves. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You are thinking of making a change which would affect, not just your life, but that of your closest too. Take your time. You think you are in a rush, but you must realise, a slow pace is the only way to ensure success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Travel is written in your stars. You have needed to be able to spread your wings and blow off some steam for a long time now. Something, that is sold or brought, causes controversy. Stay out of it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A close one is jealous of the recent success youve had. You think theyre just angry with you, but its actually the green- eyed monster. Ignore it and say nothing, it will pass before you know it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may think that the work you did at the beginning of this month is wasted, but youd be wrong. Setbacks turn out to be blessings, so keep a positive stance. Important doors are about to open up to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may have to go out of your way, in order to sort out a financial complication, but make the effort, as youre sure to feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders by the end of the day. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) A lie has been revealed, and you need to decide how you feel about it, and what you are going to do about it. Dont listen to Pisces, who will be trying to force your hand to view the dramatics. Truths are spoken after 5pm, so listen. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) There seems to be a lot of resistance to change. You find that what you thought you wanted you are now unsure of. A lot of outside pressures have influenced you, and its time to slow your pace and take in whats really before you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You are in a learning curve right now and the new possibilities before you prove both exciting and frightening, all at the same time. Promises made by Scorpios may be broken, but not because they wanted to break them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The little things you say and do today will count for more than you may realise. Take the time out to think before you act, it could make all the difference to a major relationship in your life. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Work is taking its toll on you, and it may be a better idea for you to readjust your schedule. It is far better to do a little well, than a lot badly. The written word today can earn you money. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The written or printed word is more important than usual, and information you receive over the coming days helps you to make an important decision you found impossible to reach last month. Monday, August 29, 2011 Immortality, n: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say I prefer not to talk about it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fidget. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you've never met. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.

omeg · Aug 30, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 30th August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont let the best you have done so far be the standard you set for the rest of your life. This is your time, not the past. Walk forwards today with your head held high, for there is opportunity all around. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) With todays line up, you may be finding it hard to get others to help you get your work done. A close one is still feeling guilty and you would be gracious to accept the apology theyve offered to you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) It is no good pretending that you dont care for a close one when your overemotional state is proving otherwise. Money is hard to come by today but by making a phone call youve been putting off, you can rectify this fact. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) All glory comes from daring to begin. If you think you can, you will. If you think you cant, you wont. Taureans are ready, willing and able to help you, so seek them out. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have shown loyalty where it was not due, and now someone is trying to take advantage of you further. Stand your ground my friend, before you end up looking and feeling the fool. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A more professional side to you emerges, and you learn that you have made some really powerful contacts in high places. A friend becomes a foe, as you learn that they did something meant to upset you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Love is in the stars for you, but you may have to give up something you were looking forward to socially in order to show your commitment. A Leo enters your circle and is about to change your life in more ways than you can imagine. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Arguments in the home have made for a lot of pressure and bad feelings. All of this is about to come to an end, especially if you can be the first one to offer some sort of a compromise. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The current line up in your chart gives you the edge on all things professional. Social links now, can actually open up new career avenues. You are realising the world is a mighty big place, and success is in the palm of your hands. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A loved one is acting out of sorts and out of character, and you may have to spend most of your day investigating the mystery that their life has become. Answers link to phone calls you make after 3pm. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You need to get away and blow off some steam, but you cant seem to get the understanding or help of close ones. You will though, if you talk to them, and not at them, today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Just because friends are making changes with their lives, does not mean that you have to join in. Youll know as and when you need to move on. For now, research is the order of the day. Your own, and not others. Tuesday, August 30, 2011 The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Bad day to tease a yak. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to sneak. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo. I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be The Screaming Weasels. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Someone will tell you today Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school. Despite being forewarned, you won't have anything to say. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will discover a horror almost beyond imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened . Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh.

omeg · Aug 31, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 31st August ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You need to take some time out to tie up a past issue, which you still have not laid to rest. You think a friend is lying to you and youre probably right, but do you have the right to have asked such questions in the first place? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) I really do love todays stars, as they offer you the chance to focus on what, and who, should really be important. From here on in it is love which comes to the fore, and you finally work out what, and who, is working. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont seem to want the help of loved ones. Understand that they know you better than most. Any guidance they give to you is meant with your best interests in mind. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You must give a younger person the chance to explain themselves. It would seem from your chart that you have not had the most forgiving of attitudes recently. Offers tonight can help you right this wrong. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You want whats best for you, but you also dont want to hurt those you love. It seems you cannot do both. You can however, be more honest with yourself, as close ones know what you should do, better than you know yourself. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Work you thought you did not have to do would be better completed. Even if it is just to make yourself feel better. What you think to be bad news this afternoon is actually a blessing in disguise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your life takes on a new energy as you forget past issues and concentrate on what, and who, really matters to you. Peace talks you have in love help you to build a better foundation. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your energy levels are depleted and it is clear that you are mentally exhausted from all of the hard work you have had to put into your personal life, especially relating to the home. Good news makes it worth your while soon. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Arguments can turn to passion, as youve now passed the stage of wanting to say nasty things and are working on the more positive things that can be gained from your unions. Be careful of Aries, who want to see more conflict. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A difficult aspect affects your chart which forces you to ask close ones for commitments you may not really want. Back down and listen, dont talk today. Important facts are waiting to be heard. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Things do not change, we change. You have certainly been the most dramatic sign recently, and you have no intention of slowing your pace anytime soon either. Events after 4pm ensure this fact. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are such a dramatic sign that you often jump in at the deep end when the rest of us are still considering each and every fact. For once, your impulsive mind brings success and an experience youll never forget. Wednesday, August 31, 2011 Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of being cautious, today. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of iguanas, today. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart Kitchen Shovels , I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook Recipes For Disaster (the sequel to Another Fine Mess ).

omeg · Sep 1, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 1st September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)People you have not seen in some time are trying to get in contact with you and if you can spare the time this evening try to text or call an old friend who has moved away. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Recently you have not seemed happy with the new routine your life has adopted and if you do not say something now, you will only make it harder to change things later. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You don't seem to be your usual positive self. The stars indicate that you're feeling rather emotional. This seems to be due to a family issue still unresolved. Compromise is your key to solving such issues. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Caution, you are going to be very tempted to do sloppy work today and any mistakes will be noticed. If you dont feel up to doing a job, then leave it for another time. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)News arrives which may well change your plans for the coming days. It's all very well socialising and enjoying friends but sometimes you have to put your family first. This is one of those times. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You have had a rough time with your family of late and I can see from your chart that this has taken its toll on you. Invitations linking to travel should be accepted. Theyre sure to be just what you need to recharge. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You don't seem to be aware of what is going on with your finances. You may need to think about having a chat with someone known to you whose advice you trust. Solutions are waiting. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You are in much better spirits than I have seen in days, I am relieved to say. You finally know what and who you want. Life starts to take on a more positive feel. Youre back! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Someone you used not to trust is trying to show you the new and improved side to their personality. Give them a second chance, theyre sure to impress you if you do. Aquarians spell success in business matters. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Phone calls you make today link to shortcuts in a business deal thats sure to prove lucrative and fun. You can be sure that you will be hearing some very pleasing news from your close ones too. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Love is in the air for many of your sign. Youre starting to realise that you have choices in life. You come out of this week a wiser and happier person and about time too. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You find yourself questioning your job as you try to work out just where your true talents lie. Dont make any changes just yet though. There is far more to be gained by biding your time. Thursday, September 01, 2011 I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. -- Garry Shandling <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will find that it is true - every thing is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic. Well, except for running shoes, of course.

omeg · Sep 2, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 2nd September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You are saying one thing to a loved one but actually doing the opposite. Its no wonder theyre so confused. Talks you have tonight can form the basis for a really successful future. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You will at last be able to resolve a long-standing problem in the home and the atmosphere should start to feel a lot more settled. Watch out for an interfering Scorpio trying to force your hand. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You should be feeling far more in control of who you are and where youre going. Dont be surprised if your close ones act a little distant. Theyve been feeling left out after recent dramatics. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your sign finds it important to have honesty from those they love but you seem to have been left with little energy to check out facts. Events today instill you with the confidence youve been dreaming of. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A face you havent seen for a long time is about to reappear. You dont seem to be too sure as to why they want to come back after the way they left matters. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont ask for too much from the older generation as they may well be under more stress than you realise. Youve never been a sign for subtlety and it would be wise for you to avoid confrontations. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You finally get an answer from a superior concerning a question that you were ready willing and able to give up on. New projects show a loved one youre in it for the long run. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You are thinking more about your appearance and some of you may even make the effort today to keep up some sort of a personal fitness regime. Rumours regarding love arent true. Ignore them. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Make that phone call regarding finances before 3pm. Then you can relax and let all areas of your life run on their own. Youve done the ground work and the rewards come rolling in. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Family always comes first to a sign such as you. Yet certain members of your inner circle have not been showing you the respect that you crave. Talks you have with a third party on this day can fill in important blanks. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The planets fill you with plenty of confidence. With the kind of offers you have falling at your feet it is going to be very difficult for you to get bored. Mischief, however, is guaranteed. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A close one is just not willing to talk about the problems that you have encountered together at a time when you are just coming to terms with the fact that communication is the key. Friday, September 02, 2011 For coats made for ladies from their own skin. In the window of a Sweddish furrier <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: Uh, Yo: (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me . Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it Ze Bra . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You'll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You, for one, have just about had it with all this Globalization . Time to go on a diet!

omeg · Sep 3, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 3rd September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You may feel as if you are going backwards with your life but I can assure you this is not true. What is actually occurring is simply a slower pace to life, but definitely not for the worse. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your priorities must lie with your work on this day, which finally gives you the chance to show how good you are at handling both power and responsibility. Pisces know something you need to uncover in time for the weekend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You have waited long enough for changes and I must say you have been jolly patient. However, your time has come and you have full permission to sign away. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The Moon brings out your emotional side and you may well find yourself accusing your close ones of things they have not done. Careful my friend; your chart indicates you may not be as innocent as you claimed either. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Love talks in riddles tonight. But then again, I think that is what is attracting them to you. The number five is lucky for you and links to making your home a better place. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You don't seem to know how much cash you can afford to spend and if you are not careful you will find yourself running into the red unnecessarily. An old friend will be calling on you for favours but beware of getting caught up in a lie. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The chance to get to see a new side to a work face should prove both fun and amusing. In fact, you should start to feel the surge of excitement which the stars are promising. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) As you enter this productive month youre finally able to look at old problems from a fresh perspective and you would be wise to use your time to sort out important matters youve avoided throughout September. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your finances are in need of some attention, and it may even be that you have not kept your paperwork in the desired order. Lost possessions can be found at lunchtime by simply retracing your steps. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may have to be nice to a face you know you cannot really stand. You always did have a talent for acting and you know that a close one will be grateful for your effort. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Many of your sign are thinking of making a change to their homes, as your need for a firmer base comes to the fore. At last youre doing what feels right and not what looks right. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) It is so unfair of you to set one standard for yourself and another for your close ones. If you want freedom for yourself then youd better start to loosen that leash youve put on others. Saturday, September 03, 2011 Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a horsepower is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office just to chat. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn't everything. It could well be that you'd be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that's virtually certain. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?

omeg · Sep 4, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 4th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The home is highlighted and you may find yourself having to invest your money in your abode, even though Im sure it is also needed elsewhere. Dont resist, this is a good thing as events from today will soon prove. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You are going to be hearing a lot of rumours about a close one and some of them may even be true! Surely though, we are all entitled to a past and yours is usually more colourful than most. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Stress is evident and its fair to say that you have taken on more than you can handle. Let a younger person know youre there for them, they may have pressures you are unaware of. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Love really is making you act in some very strange ways of late, but you are the only one that does not seem to have noticed. Librans link to fun offers and also professional ones too. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have impressive plans for the future but the real question is do you have the monetary means to back your ideas? You could have if you follow up the leads given to you at lunchtime. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) There are many opinions going around at this time on the way that you have handled a recent personal problem. Only you can know whether the outcome has made you happy or not though. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Try not to be cheeky when dealing with water signs, which are Cancerians, Scorpios and Pisces. They may well have more power over your week then you realise, especially if you work with them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You seem to be allergic to work at the moment and those that hold the power above you are beginning to notice. Geminis can help you to get back on track so seek them out. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your need to get an answer to a question you asked days ago could see you upsetting a friend that you once held very dear. Friends will be dropping in on you uninvited, so prepare accordingly. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Use the stars to your advantage. Make up with the face who, last month, you thought wouldnt talk to you again. Love can be found in alternative places which youll first think of refusing to visit. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Midweek confrontations could well lead you to think that your life is over but youd be wrong. Your dramatic nature is set to force a matter which was heading for a showdown anyway. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) News of an ex is set to shake up your world and stir your heart. Just remember why you came to the decisions you did and concentrate on the new life, which is calling. Sunday, September 04, 2011 Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake severed hand at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) The phrase return your tray tables to the upright and locked position will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having defined the current decade. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day for a nice nap. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton . (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

omeg · Sep 5, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 5th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You have a lot to learn about how to deal with a close one if youre to ever find the harmony you crave. Give them space and they will give you the respect you are seeking. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You havent been good at saying how you really feel and many of the impressions close ones have formed of you are not actually true. A new addition to your immediate circle brings surprise. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You are rushing around like a bull in a china shop and theres no room for you to make mistakes. Slow your pace before you upset someone who has more influence on your future than you realise. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) If you do not know what the best thing to do is, then why do anything? Life is not a race and it would be far more to your advantage to wait and make the right decision. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The stars line up to bring creativity and success to your work. You should not have any problems impressing those around you and you can even face that financial issue youve been hiding from. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may be going in for overkill with the way that youre handling your love life. Why not try the subtle approach? Your chart indicates that it is likely to have a much longer lasting effect. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its only by playing games, as you have been, that you have been left in such a spin. Say what you want and dont hide behind the games that an ex has left you believing are necessary. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your support is needed as a loved one has to make a major decision concerning their future. Watch what you tell colleagues at work about that personal issue which is still waiting for a solution. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) With the current line up you will be dealing with personal matters and trying to figure out ways that you can make your relationships stronger and better. Youre building the foundation for a better future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your life is not the same as it was. You need to know though, that youre a better and richer soul for the things you have gone through. So relish them. Dont be bitter about them. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Important decisions will have to be made by you concerning the future of your close ones. Don't assume you know what they want; things have happened recently that may have changed their opinion on certain subjects. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Mix-ups in work matters have left you unsure of what to do and say. However, the faces you are dealing with know more than you think, so avoid the temptation to tell lies. Monday, September 05, 2011 Cave Canem - beware of the dog <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel 100 Years Of SPAM! decorative wallclock. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Benjamin Franklin said: If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment I've never cared for those hairless cats . That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics .

omeg · Sep 6, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 6th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Rather than thinking about the amount of money you could spend on a loved one, why not instead think about the meaning of the gift you are giving to them. Its actually your time theyre after anyway. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) If you are not happy with an aspect of your love life then this is the week to deal with it. Youve stuck your head in the sand and it has only left you feeling bitter and depressed. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A naughty streak could see you flirting with disaster tonight so dont talk too loudly, more people than you think are listening. Saying what you really want can be met by surprise approval. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A loved one is obsessed with making you commit to something you simply dont want. For once, I encourage you to stand up for yourself. It could well be the only way you will gain respect. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You are likely to find yourself exhausted after the last few days the majority of your sign will have had. Meetings today should give you the go ahead in a venture you have been working towards. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You should start to find that the atmosphere in the home is improving. Miracles wont occur overnight, but you should now start to finally see that your patience this last month really has paid off. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You need to do some serious thinking about your work as you are about to reach a crossroads and it is vital that you decide where your priorities really lie. Virgos link to lies. Careful. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Just because something didnt work out as you thought it would doesnt mean your world comes to a stop. There are other options and its up to you to find them. You know you can. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) This is the perfect time to start any long-term projects you have been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel really good again. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Recently youve been trying to do so much that you have neglected the little things in your life. Call close ones and let them know you havent forgotten them. Their response will be reward enough. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Old contacts save the day both personally and professionally. Youve come a long way in the last month and youve put in a lot of hard work. Today it all pays off in your favour. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Love can provide you with plenty of fun as well as a showing you a new side to a close one. This shows that you made the right choice, no matter what obstacles the last month has thrown your way. Tuesday, September 06, 2011 I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough. -- Mark Twain <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as launch codes , who's been naughty , or Snerge . This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

omeg · Sep 7, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 7th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A lot has happened to you recently and you seem to be feeling confused about what your next move should be. Do nothing. Not, that is, until youve heard what insight an Aries can offer. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Many of your sign are presently coming out of relationships but dont look back. The future looks good so stand by what you have said. Talking through problems on this day can also build important bridges. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You know you always insist on playing devils advocate so why deny that you are trying to be controversial. Admitting this can help you find out the real story about recent events that have occurred. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) If you could stop trying so hard to impress the world then you would soon see that you have already managed to impress the most important person. Time to admit, what I already know. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) News of births, pregnancies and new beginnings in your inner circle give you reason to question your life. Where you are going, what you really want and what this last year has really meant to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may have to make some plans that you would rather have avoided in order to keep a close one happy but aspects indicate you could just find yourself having a good time, so relax. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have your wild head on and if there are any parties, then you can bet that youll find them. When you decide to blow off some steam you certainly take things to the extreme. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your career doesnt seem to be going as youd hoped and this is largely due to the influence of a new and somewhat overpowering face that seems to think they know exactly how to run things. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) I love the way you give everyone else time. Yet when it comes time to your own life, you take a back seat and let others guide you wherever they please. Wake up and take back control. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your home appears to be the centre for dramas. Just because things are being played out in your abode doesnt mean you need to take centre stage. Let others battle out what is, after all, their drama not yours. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The chance for you to meet up with old friends could land you in trouble with a loved one and it is important that you okay any rendezvous with them first. There may be more behind their reasons for disliking them than you thought. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) A new and healthier attitude you have adopted, to both life and love, is set to see you living a life of more possibilities. Flirtations prove fun tonight and you get the chance to find out what really transpired last week. Wednesday, September 07, 2011 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm. You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word diaper. Don't know why. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the Millenium Falcon. My passengers often become irritated at being called Chewie , though. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between catches horrible disfiguring disease and loses everything in major earthquake . I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

omeg · Sep 8, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 8th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Your feelings for a close one have changed, and you must not spend so much time thinking that it was your fault. Life is not predictable and you cant help how your heart feels. What would be wrong would be to deny this. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) For some reason you appear to feel the need to exaggerate and it can only cause you trouble, so try to tell the truth to those you talk to or you will only be embarrassed when the truth comes out later tonight. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) If you want the rainbow youve got to put up with a bit of rain too. This weeks lessons will ensure you get what you want. All you have to do is keep your cool and avoid saying what you know you will regret. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You dont mean to tell people what to do, its just that you can see from the outside the obvious answers which others cant. Favours you do in business today stand you in good stead. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Only those who dare to fail spectacularly can ever achieve greatness. This is a well known proverb and one which applies to you, more than any other sign, at this time. Dare to dream, to be different. Life is waiting for you to live it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) This is a really good time to catch up with old friends, find out how they are, and what theyre been up to. The news they share with you could well lead you to a most interesting new path indeed. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You seem to be waiting for something to fail. Rather than focusing on the negative, why not try looking on the positive side instead? The power of such thinking can ensure you get the success you really crave. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Flirtations take a turn for the serious and you start to look at life as if the glass is half full for a change. Its about time you put some faith back into your life my friend. Wear red for luck in financial affairs. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You never seem to do whats best for you, but you always put others first, which is why you often end up in such a pickle. Today though, you must allow yourself to be a priority. Your love life depends on it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) New friends offer new places to go. Life starts to feel more fulfilling. You start to get back to the character I know and love. Talk of marriage comes with gossip linking to an unlikely pairing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are due an apology. How they give it to you could well be different to how you had imagined. I would urge you to accept what is given; its taken more courage than you know. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You have been through so much in the last year and yet you are still able to smile. You know what that means dont you? You will be able to succeed at anything this week, which is great news concerning any finances that are at stake. Thursday, September 08, 2011 Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that breathes. Or, in this case, wheezes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed .) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Confucius said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid . And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course.

omeg · Sep 9, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 9th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You must try to raise your standards. You think you dont deserve a good life but you are wrong. Positive thinking today can see miracles occur, so eyes forward. Especially concerning money. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action about a close one but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The evening is set to bring a revelation as your heart finally tells your head what it has been feeling. Wear purple if you want to sway a family member in any important issues tonight. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Don't push yourself too hard. Draw up a reasonable schedule for family commitments and once you have completed it, set some time for fun. Your chart indicates the need to relax and wind down a little. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Friends mean well, but they are making it very hard for you to find any time for yourself. Dont be afraid to take a stand this week, or you could end up losing out on something you had thought was a definite. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your mind does not seem to be able to get around the fact that someones offering you a permanent and not a temporary situation. Wake up and smell the coffee, life is waiting to be lived! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Careful who you confide in about a work matter You could be placing yourself in a very awkward position when you see which colleagues they regard as friends. Travel and romance go hand in hand. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Careful not to be too cheeky to colleagues. They may seem easy going but there is a limit and you have reached it. The chance to earn quick cash is not as infallible as it seems. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A great day to get involved in business deals as you should be able to talk even the most difficult of signs round to your way of thinking. Knowing your priorities can ensure success. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You don't seem to be sure how to finish a certain project and if it is possible then you may be better off leaving it until you are in a more suitable frame of mind. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Glad tidings in love come your way after dark throughout this week thanks to the lovely persuasion of Venus. What you want you can get. All you have to do is decide exactly what that is. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. You must stop looking to the past for answers, when before you right now, you have so much fresh inspiration and vision. Friday, September 09, 2011 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You'll find more, and very interesting , uses for cocktail umbrellas today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium . Don't take it lightly. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

zoomusicgirlie · Sep 9, 2011

WOW I am really impressed that u have kept the horoscope postings updated for so long, I was trying to find something to post lol so before I saw there were 4 pages I was going to volunteer to post the Horoscopes everyday... hmmmmm I'm thinking like a daily laugh thing maybe, like daily deep thoughts..... something will come to me

ZMG

omeg · Sep 10, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 10th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Family get in contact and should have exciting news to share with you. There is also a chance to get to know a friends partner whom you seem to have started off with on the wrong foot. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. Time is the answer to the actions you must take. Dont be hard on yourself. Allow yourself time to recover and take stock from recent events. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The younger faces in your life seem to be having a tough time dealing with the space you have recently placed between yourself and them. This is a good day for important talks, where important bridges can, and should be, built. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Venus, the planet of love, makes game playing the norm and honesty an impossibility. Try not to make promises you have no intention of keeping or it will only come back on you tomorrow. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The Sun casts a happy glow over your life today and you should find it almost impossible not to enjoy whatever you decide to do. This is also an excellent day to tie up financial issues. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Pay attention to what loved ones are saying. They are trying to tell you something and it is vital that you give them your undivided attention. Mars gives you the agility you need to make changes. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It would be far better to let your personality do the talking instead of your spending. Especially when the stars indicate that they are not nearly as money orientated as you would first think. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Stop trying to run before you can walk in personal matters. If you want to see anything lasting, you must try to make a solid base. Maybe you are scared they will change their mind? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont let a younger person take you for a ride! Being kind is one thing, but being a fool is another. Its time to put yourself first, especially as the stars are behind you! CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A sarcastic mood, which the stars appear to be placing over you today, could well see you getting the cold shoulder from your loved ones tomorrow. Think before you speak. Your love life depends on it. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A restless mood is apparent due to the events that occurred last night. The only way you are going to find out the meaning behind what took place is to ask the person directly concerned. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Leos spell trouble in business, so beware and dont share information thats not yours to give. Let go of the stress that comes with financial dilemmas; ask for a close ones help, theyre the key to success. Saturday, September 10, 2011 We aim to please ... You aim too, please. written on a bathroom on route 66 contributed by Thomas J. Walkup III <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under Music, Instruction and under Cavorting, Instruction. Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.) <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help!

omeg · Sep 11, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 11th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre in the middle of something quite delicate and you seem to be a little unsure of how things are going to end up. Confidence is half your battle. Know this and act accordingly, my friend. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have a habit just recently of making life really hard for yourself. Stop and take a breath for a moment. There is much to be gained by just taking notes today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) An experience you have recently been through has affected you more than you are admitting. Talking to a close one about how you feel can halve your problem, so take the first step today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your career is in dire need of some attention, as you know. You could be earning so much more money than you currently are. Especially if you are willing to take a more independent stance. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone seems to think you are responsible for all that has gone wrong in their life. It is they who had to make the decisions not you, so step away from this negative and unnecessary influence. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Its clear from your chart that you have been under a lot of pressure, but solutions can be found if you are willing to take a chance on what you want, not what others want. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Close ones think that they know whats best for you but you seem to have plans of your own dont you? Better tell them sooner rather than later then, especially if you are expecting their support. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If you havent made up with a loved one, then please do it now. You can you clear the air and learn something which will prove why theyve been acting so strangely of late. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may think that a close one approves of your wild behaviour, but you are going to have to draw a line. Theres work to be done if youre to stay on schedule with your dreams. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You must not flirt with people that are spoken for. Youll only end up making enemies. You are playing with fire my friend, and its time to think of the consequences of your actions. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont be too hard on a younger person whose been caught out in a lie. Youve been less than honest of late and were probably the one that taught them the tricks they have been playing. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont be too quick to tell tales on the people in your life. You may need some back up of your own, for a white lie, far sooner than you think. Monetary matters come under helpful aspects after 2pm. Sunday, September 11, 2011 Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way). <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy, you'll say, and why don't they just lock him up? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce this is a Stick Up! . Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose , told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing...

omeg · Sep 12, 2011

Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 12th September ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Its time you pushed for more; your close ones are more than willing to give it. This is a great day to talk intimately to close ones about how you see your life together working out. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Finances start to look up and may even make it possible for you to accept an invitation of travel that you were certain you would have to decline. A new face spices things up. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Give in to the pleas of a Piscean who has reasons more than you know behind the favour theyre asking. The romantic sector of your chart is well favoured, so keep your eyes peeled. Opportunity awaits. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Try not to plan tonight, as someone is hoping to have you to themselves and group arrangements are likely to be regretted. Make your plans for the coming days now before you get emotionally blackmailed into commitments. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Fun times are to be had as you celebrate the completion of an important project. Much satisfaction can be found in career matters, as the coming weeks are sure to prove to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You should find that a personal problem is behind any stresses a close one has been feeling and what they need now is a friend not a foe. Come on, let down those defenses. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today. Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action about a close one, but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Superiors and colleagues are sure to have a lot more respect for you if you are honest and you will then have the pleasure of learning what you didnt know, so speak up for everyones sake. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Long distance travel and romantic beginnings go hand in hand from today. What you thought could not be yours, can be. The power of positive thinking can and will see miracles occur in your life. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) There is an air of mystery about your life at this time and I would not be surprised if some of you were on the verge of receiving some very intriguing proposals. A memorable time indeed. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Librans know what to say to sweet talk you into their ideas, but careful if it involves your own funds, you may not get them back as soon as they say. Love links to texts coming. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Wait twenty-four hours before signing any contracts or you could be missing out on getting a chance to see what the bigger picture is. New work avenues bring out your more passionate side. Monday, September 12, 2011 It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -- Vice President Dan Quayle <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid kajoobies or shvontz like the plague. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You should look into some of that new dream interpretation software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about Bob Nostradamus , but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

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