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Daily Horoscopes....
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 15th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You are capable of achieving so much, just take your time please and don't allow close ones to pressure your usually good judgement. You hold the answers, you know you do. Trust your instincts. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Hold fire on any new business deals until you can find out exactly how much time and money is actually required. What may feel good right now, could feel different this time next week. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Your career is set to take some really interesting changes. Don't be too quick to judge a new face in the workplace; they could just turn out to be the ally you've been looking for. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Check your accounts carefully. Aspects indicate you may be paying out more than you should. It is a good day to shape up your life and to get rid of the things that are no longer an asset. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Health signs improve and you begin to realise that there is much to be gained out of life for you at this time. You've finally put the past behind you, as events both today and tomorrow will soon prove to you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Your efforts have gained much respect from your peers over the recent days. You can do wonders for your self-confidence this weekend, which gives you a special moral boost. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You should find yourself going somewhere different and exciting. You're willing to take risks which last month you would have shied away from. Foreign accents make the offer of a lifetime. Aries tell tales, beware.SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Don't be jealous of a friend whose life is making some drastic changes. You have every reason to look forward to the future with a smile on your face. It's time to start living instead of existing. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You have your naughty head on and Mars is encouraging you to say and do things, which you may well regret. You underestimate yourself. Great strides forward can be made with a positive frame of mind. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Although it does not hurt to talk about other people's lives, it can cause heartache if you say something which is of a negative nature. Concentrate only on the positive because rewards are yours if you do. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Family must be a priority. It seems you have not had the time to catch up with your nearest and dearest but conversations at this time can give you the inspiration to make a life change. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You are trying really hard to have respect for close ones. However their recent actions have made it hard for you to contain your anger. Listening not talking today can fill in important missing facts. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask you if you'd like some fresh ground pepper on your salad. Personally (this may be just a Ron thing), I always say yes to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the International Tiddly Wink Open three years running. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Beware of rodents. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to avoid pickled herring. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you that you run funny . Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You'll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)
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unsoughtpoet
WELL KNOWN MEMBER
This Zodiac thing has really been crazy!But now guess what else has changed?? `````` Now they have gone and changed the religions too!! ```````````````````````````````(J/K so lol @ this!)``````````````````````````````````HERE'S A LIST OF THE NEWLY ASSIGNED RELIGIONS````````Catholic is now Buddhism. Buddhism is now Islam. Islam is now Hinduism, Hinduism is now Jehovah Witness, Jehovah Witness is now Christian, Christian is now Mormon. Mormon is now Judaism, Judaism is now Catholic, Rastafarian-ism has been reduced and can only worship 1 day a year (4/20)Scientology has been eliminated due to the moons gravitational pull caused them to wobble to much,....lol But they have added a New Religion to compensate ......It is one that has been here all along but was just forgotten about and never given true recognition ... it is Primal-Indigenous-ic. They speak with 'clicks', 'clucks' and 'popping' sounds that experts haven't been able to translate so they are just going to make some stuff up to associate to this new religion and have already renamed this specific religious group, now to be called Ophiuchus-ism. ROTF & LMAO 4x already!But seriously people,... the newly assigned zodiac's are really just as absurd! Come On! The whole thing doesn't even make sense!From an Astronomers perspective, maybe it could, But Astrologically speaking.... NO WAY! Here is a video clip link to what an Astrologer had to say about this whole changed zodiacs issue while on Fox news yesterday:http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.comcast.net%2Fvideo%2Fso-whats-your-sign-now%2F1743266256&h=5b124
Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 16th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Time spent with new faces this week opens up a whole new world of opportunity. It also proves how much a certain person has been using you over the last few days and weeks. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)There's a certain amount of competition in your personal life this month. How can you ensure you gain the upper hand? By keeping honesty to the fore and not allowing lies to flow when you speak. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You have been through more this year than most people have in five. You've come out of it a better and stronger person. Acknowledge this fact and then you can move on to the next chapter. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)What do you want to do with your life? Are your plans yours or instead what close ones think is best for you? For once I'm daring you to be different. Life is calling, start living it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You may think familiar faces are doing you a favour, but aspects indicate you would actually be far better to shop around and see what the going rate is, for the skills you have to offer. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Do not gossip or it will come back on you. Remember, you needed some secrets of your own kept, not so long ago. Lost phone numbers are fates way of helping you move on. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Stop trying to fill in the missing blanks yourself and ask the person directly the question which is burning away inside of you. Only then will you be able to move on my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may have to put up with the company of a face you've never been able to warm to in order to please a loved one. Relax, you may just find yourself having a good time! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Love comes at a price, as you have to neglect certain areas of your life in order to ensure you can take care of what's now become your priority. Overseas links prove exciting from today onwards. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You don't seem to know who you can trust as certain facts you had hoped to keep private seem to have become public knowledge. Confrontations today offer you the upper hand if you keep your cool. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)If you know that you and a colleague are clashing then put some distance between you. You are too close to the finishing line to allow such petty differences to ruin things now don't you think? PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You say you don't care what happens, but you and I know that you do. I also know that you're far more capable than you say you are. Push the boundaries and miracles can occur. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you'll try the old goat in a box trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Everyone you see will be power walking today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 17th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Make the time to have a social life this week. You need to have some time to enjoy the benefits of all of your hard work, or what was the point of your efforts? TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Getting in touch with people from your past whether via e-mail or Facebook or even old friends, puts a smile on your face. You're bringing together your old life and new, much to your satisfaction. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Having a sense of humour can be to your benefit today. Certain signs are blowing a lot of hot air and by not reading too deeply into what is being said you'll come out the winner. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)What you think to be fact could well turn out to be fiction. Be careful as you are walking a very thin line at the moment and are in danger of losing the respect of a loved one. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)A run in with a face from the past stirs your emotions and makes you reassess what you have. Don't force a work issue with a superior. Time is your best weapon to making sure you get what you want. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)All is about to be revealed about something, which you have been curious about for some time. Take your time when dealing with paperwork today; it is more important than you could imagine my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)A fall out you've had with someone in work is beginning to affect your personal life. Take some time out today to work out where your problems really lie. You'll soon see they're far easier to solve than you thought. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Venus puts pressure on you to make a decision before you're ready and you could end up rushing into something you'll regret if you're not careful. Time is on your side, know this and use it. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Don't get jealous of a loved one whose career is creeping into their social life. If it were you these opportunities were being offered to, you wouldn't be so quick to reprimand. Confidence is your secret weapon. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Don't let silly disagreements come between you and a close one. You know you love each other and you also know you're under an immense amount of pressure right now. Talk, don't shout. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Teamwork in a family issue can help a younger person turn their life around. Don't belittle a new face you are set to meet at this time, they hold more power than you may first realise. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Action makes more fortunes than caution. This is the perfect day for you to take things to the next level. The stars are behind you to make your success as sweet as you had hoped it to be. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some natural remedies books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. Let's all just pretend there isn't one! , you'll say. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, Bob! You're still alive! (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday January 18th ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You should be feeling full of enough confidence to tell a close one the real reasons behind your resistance to make a change. Just make sure you don't let emotions take the lead though. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Conversations that you have on this day are set to reveal more than you thought possible. There are many sides that you will be discovering to faces that previously had not appealed to you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Your health is going to need a boost if you are to ever find the energy that you are seeking. There is also a link to your past that could soon change your life! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You are going to find it very hard to stay away from a friend that you just know your close ones will not approve of. Just make sure they're really worthy of such sacrifices! LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You have the strength to do anything you set your mind to, as Pluto will be filling you with all of the confidence you could possibly desire. Make sure you use it to your advantage. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Let the events that have occurred recently be a lesson to you Virgo and try not to be in so much of a hurry to make changes that you know cannot benefit your present situation. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Today should see you finding better footing with someone you have not really been seeing eye-to-eye with of late. In fact there will be many opportunities before you to improve several relationships. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You don't seem to be able to stop thinking about a work matter that just doesn't seem to be going the way that you'd hoped. Positive thinking and a phone call you make today is your key. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You thought you knew someone you used to call a friend but the face they have shown of late has led you to regard them as a stranger. Today they may well turn this fact around. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The coming weeks show several outlays you are thinking of making but it would be almost impossible for all of them to be completed. Get your priorities in order before someone does it for you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Flirtations and fun await you as you suddenly realise just how much power you have over certain people around you. Don't waste this gift though Aquarius, use it on the person you really want. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You must not feel pushed out of a loved ones life just because they are doing something you cannot get involved in. Sometimes it can actually be a healthy thing to take a break. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is Svlad. It's something to do.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery . Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. -- Edited by PMM2008 on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 08:06:32 AM
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 19th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Accidents and mix-ups that take place over the coming days turn into a blessing in disguise and could in fact lead to love and romance for many of you. New beginnings and fresh starts finally beckon. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Education is well starred as you're offered the chance to go back and fill in the missing blanks and to finish the things they started but which got interrupted at the end of last year. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You know you are happy but certain friends keep trying to convince you otherwise. Stand your ground and fight for what you want. It is your life and you must not let others impose. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)People are talking about you and they're all just dying to know what you're going to do next. Not even you know but Mars does and he's about to ensure that you get the chance to change your life in more ways than you can imagine. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Journeys that you make in the name of love come with its own fair share of complications. However, aspects indicate it's sure to be well worth the effort. Geminis prove lucky in work issues. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Friends find it hard to tell you the truth recently due to a harsh nature that the stars have placed upon you. Don't be frightened to look loved ones in the eyes and ask them the questions you now know you need answered. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Time really is not your own and you seem to spend much of your time today doing other peoples work for them. Try not to get angry with a loved one who has told a white lie, the reason why were in your interests. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)The stars are behind you and at last you find yourself ready, willing and able to improve your mind and your future opportunities. Jealousy from a family member must be ignored, reasons why become apparent later. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You must try to be more patient with a family member who seems to think it's your duty to help them out. Shouting won't help anyone. Sit down and talk to them calmly, there are two sides to this story, as you'll soon learn. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)It is time to separate your real friends from those who are using you. There is much that you can do to help an older family member who doesn't seem to be feeling as positive as they should. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You are great at communicating with people, so use your charm to boost the morale of a close one who is feeling down. Events taking place today should give you just the chance to do this. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)The current line up can do much to enhance love so make sure you don't plan anything that involves more than two. If you don't, you could end up missing out on some pure unbridled passion. </h2>Wednesday, January 19, 2011 There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Uh oh. Bursting into song day , again. Your friends will avoid you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 20th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Sometimes it can be so much easier to work than it can to put up with the normal day to day trivialities. Facing your personal issues today though can bring much success. Don't be afraid. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Beware of poking your nose into the affairs of others. You would be far better to concentrate on your own life this week. Apologies can offer you romance and passion. Life gets interesting again. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Many decisions are waiting to be made and you don't seem to know which way to go. Recent false starts in love have made you nervous, don't be. What you want can now be yours. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Time spent with your close ones help you to realise that you've come a long way already this year. You have not trusted your instincts but you should, they won't let you down. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)The current line up sees you speaking without thinking today. Avoid meeting anyone face to face you know you may lose your temper with. A calm mind is essential if you are to gain the upper hand. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Today you could outdo yourself with your homemaking abilities. The one person you do care a great deal about seems to be acting in a mysterious way. Don't pry, you could spoil a surprise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)It would appear that you now have the pick of the bunch, as faces that you had thought did not even want to know your name now wish to spend time in your company. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You don't seem to feel life is moving in the direction that you had planned. What you have failed to notice is that it's not you who is doing anything wrong; it's the lack of support in others. Today is a day for telling some home truths. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)It's ok to think about the past, and to feel hurt about what happened. What is not ok is to do is blame yourself. Where's that pride gone? Find it; it's your key to attracting good fortune. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Doing your research is your key to finding out if a new face is a compatible addition to your life. How can you expect to know what someone is like, if you don't ask them questions? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You seem to think that you're missing out because you can't do something you had planned. You are wrong, as what you've had to make a priority will prove successful beyond your wildest dreams Aquarius. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Venus is offering you the chance to clear any difficult airs and to make this a week of building bridges and not destroying them. Don't waste this opportunity; it's what you've been waiting for. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will answer the phone today by shouting You bloated sack of protoplasm!. Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: Who Do You Want To Be Today? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 21st January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Your need to see a certain person sees you travelling out of your way and you may even have to tell a white lie to do so. Don't embellish too much, or you'll give the game away! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You're happy to take a deeper look at your life. Last week you were scared of what you might find. A positive attitude now seems to be the catapult for exciting life changes headed your way. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Keeping secrets appears to be the order of your day. Just be careful that this does not lead you to tell unnecessary lies. Say nothing if you know you cannot reveal anything you may be asked. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Plans you make at this time may not be as easy to work through on your own as you thought. Accept the help that others are willing to offer to you. Success awaits you if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Working hard this week can do much to make up for the time you lost in business last month. You thought you had missed the boat on an opportunity, but how wrong you were. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Venus is trying to show you how it will pay to be honest with your feelings. You're still nursing a bruised ego from your last let down. Take a chance, your stars won't let you down. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Not only do you have many choices to choose from but you also have the financial flexibility which last month was so obviously absent from your chart. New horizons beckon, so ensure you listen. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)There are many people that you want to see and so much work you want to get done, but luckily you have the stars to help you in the many tasks you have set for yourself. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Your work is looking decidedly lucky and you are set to meet up with some really interesting characters. In fact, many of your sign will make decisions this week, which change the course of your life. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Saturn has given you the power to add a little more structure to your week and you should find that life starts to feel far more comfortable in not just one but several important areas. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)A slow pace will serve you far better than a fast one, so take my advice and listen to the stars and the instincts, which are sure to be giving you a short sharp nudge. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You have been spending more and more time with a certain face and it's been having a really profound effect on how you view your future. Big decisions loom and you're finally in the driving seat. </h2>Friday, January 21, 2011 It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You find yourself getting a trifle flabby, in a spiritual sense. Just a few dozen reps of positive affirmations each morning, though, and before you know it, you'll be very buff - theologically speaking.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 22nd January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)You find it hard to fulfil the many plans you have made for this week. The reasons for this my friend, are that you seem to be paying for many of the faces in your life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Don't think that a close one is neglecting you, they have some major changes that are taking place in their career and your support really is essential to their confidence and success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Your quick thinking has allowed you to save a relationship, but don't ruin things this week by telling all and sundry of your actions. If you do then you'll only end up undoing your good work. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You've got to start aiming a little higher. No one's going to offer you the dream job you're after if you keep applying for the position of assistant. The sky's the limit. Go for your dreams. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You can now turn your dreams into a reality and Aries in particular link to this new phase you are entering in your life. Don't be seduced by a friend's very temporary offers of love. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)A new address is part of your future. Try not to say bad things about new faces you will be meeting this week. They have much to offer you, as you are sure to find out. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Fellow Librans hold a new attraction and could even be responsible for changes you are making to your plans. Treat them as an equal; this could well turn out to be the match you've been waiting for. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You don't understand why a loved one has started acting so coldly towards you. The time has come to sit down and talk and to work out just where you are both going in life. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Use Saturn the planet of structure to lay down some new and improved plans, for both your personal and professional life. Pisces are lucky for you and link to gossip it's in your interest to uncover. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Life is good and if you look back you'll see you have come a long way in this last year. Geminis are relevant to your career and hold the key to you making a crossover. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You'll find it hard for your feet to touch the ground as good news comes your way. The only downside is you may find it hard to spot the person trying to take advantage of you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Capricorns link to offers of love, but steady, as they're likely to be more short term than long term. To find your true love match you need to think with both your heart and your head. </h2>Saturday, January 22, 2011 What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze . You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 23rd January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)What you think to be fact may turn out to be only fiction. Slow your pace please and try to look at the bigger picture. Certain close ones have been trying to cover their backs. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Dont get involved in idle gossip today, or you may well be accused of starting it. Someone you thought did not care for you is about to prove you wrong. Prepare to be pleasantly surprised. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Wear red for luck to clinch that deal. You have a really fun week ahead with plenty of familiar faces dropping by to make sure youre filled in on all of the latest gossip and scandal. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Money problems begin to get sorted out now and a new start is indicated. This is what you have been waiting for. Keep up this positive attitude. It is the key to your success my friend. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)New ways to get on with family help make your personal life a nicer place to be. Someones spreading rumours which involve you. Dont shout too loudly, or youll cast yourself as the guilty party. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Travel holds the key to a better love life. Thats right; for once you have to go out of your way to get what you want. The rewards though, are set to be worth every effort. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Glad tidings in love come your way after dark throughout this week thanks to the lovely persuasion of Venus. What you want you can get. All you have to do is decide exactly what that is. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You seem to be thinking about everyones needs but your own recently. Its time to put you first. Thats right; for once Im encouraging you to be selfish. What are you waiting for? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You are certainly a sign who knows how to spend money, especially when its not yours. Careful though, as youll regret wasting your cash when you see what romance comes with financial fluidity this week. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Pay attention to what Scorpios have to say, their insight can help you to save both money and face, particularly concerning a romantic misunderstanding from last month. Leos boost your career and your finances. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)A challenge to your abilities can bring great results this week, so go for it. You think you need to aim lower when the truth is you actually need to be aiming much higher my friend. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)The real friends come to the fore. Your love life has enough activity in it to be attracting the attention of faces old and new. Be careful that you dont paint yourself in an easy light. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to her suit and thought you said hirsute. Still, this may prove a little awkward. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named Brutus , it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said Less is more. He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Confucious said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Deny everything. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 24th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Try not to get involved in game playing, if you do, youll only be playing right into close ones hands. Let time be the judge of what is or is not on offer. Call to hear why you cant get the past off your mind. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)A little more patience is necessary this week with an older person. You think that they are going out of their way to annoy you, but theyre going out of their way to find answers. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Youve been running on empty and its time to put yourself first. After all, if you dont make yourself a priority, why should anyone else? Make that call and put us all out of our misery. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Although you thought you knew what you wanted, a new influence has left you with a lot of unanswered questions about your future. Patience, time is your best friend with regards to such issues. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You finally look forward to happier times with your close ones as you focus on the good not bad in your relationships. Its taken a long time to come to this place but youve finally arrived. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)People you thought were on your side in a professional matter may well be saying what they think is necessary to stay in your favour so dont count on their support. Solo efforts bring success. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Dont think you can guess the next move of those you work with. You would be far better to stick to your original game plan. Making guesses can only leave you looking and feeling the fool. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Your need to play games in love, could see you ending up with egg on your face. Tell it like it is. You wont believe what can happen if you stick to the truth today. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Some unbelievable news reaches you from an unexpected source. Make sure you tell those who need to know first or you could be accused of unfair favouritism my friend. Read all mail and reply immediately. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Your ruling planet helps you work out whats been going on in a younger persons life and you finally work out how you can get back on track. Careful with your sums, get a second opinion. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)One of your major problems has been working out what you should do to make a loved one feel more settled. Relax; this is the day many of the signs find their feet on their own. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)A fresh view of life can help you get out of a stale situation, which was beginning to get you down. Wear blue for luck in love tonight, miracles can occur if you do. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Try to work the words happenstance and ineffable into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word ineffable in it. Such as that one. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will casually mention the German term for exit ramp , and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 25th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Fresh new ways to get on with your close ones make for a refreshing week. You thought you could not get over a certain problem but you were wrong and events today should prove this fact. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Taking your time over paperwork can make all the difference between you being in the red or in the black next month. Put extra time into such affairs, you can change your lifestyle if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Its only by moving forwards and not backwards with your life youll find the confidence a sign such as you needs to build the life you dream of. Thats why you need to ignore that text! CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Your need for attention could well see you doing things that close ones are going to deem childish. You want more time with a close one, but youre going the wrong way about it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Someone you did not think you would see again is back in the neighbourhood with a new style and a new approach to life and is heading right in your direction, as youre about to discover. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Youre in two minds as to what you should do with your career. Dont make any decisions just yet as time really is on your side far more than you may realise. Events today confirm this. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Single people in particular are going to find themselves attracted to the kind of characters you would normally run a mile from as a new air of confidence brings out a new side to your personality. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You know what they say, if you want a job done you have to do it yourself, and this is one project which you both have to and want to be in control of. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Phone calls mend bridges in love. All you have to do to ensure the longevity of this is to admit your fault in the drama, which recently played out in front of such a large crowd. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Slip-ups in financial matters can be avoided by making a game plan for your week ahead and by willing to do the research, which youve so far avoided and covered over with good acting skills. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Pick yourself up and look at all that is good in your life instead of all that is bad. With the power of the stars behind you, itll be easy to rid yourself of excess baggage. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)A dreamy feeling comes over you and you may even be thinking of going back to the past. Do a reality check before you text or dial. A sign such as you never goes backwards. </h2>Tuesday, January 25, 2011 Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: Disturb the equilibrium (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: never yodel with your mouth full . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You look ridiculous in that. Go and change. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named Brutus , it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 26th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)It would appear that a close one is having second thoughts about something they were about to commit to. Back off and let them make the final choice before you get blamed for their indecision. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have important business to take care of. This week you can achieve more than you did in the whole of last month. This is exactly why you shouldnt let fair-weather friends distract you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Youve spent much of your time dreaming about the new life that may soon be yours. Make sure you act the professional when some sort of bonus could be easier to obtain that you first thought. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You may be finding it hard to get family members to fit in with your plans as you had hoped but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their mind today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Youre not getting answers from a close one. Start off by backing off and giving them time to think. In fact my friend, the stars suggest it will be your recipe for success if you do. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)A new career path may not be as suitable as it first seems. Do your research before signing on the dotted line. Contracts may not be as easy to get out of as you think. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)The stars are shining on you and link to luck in business. You say you dont like someone and you are even openly horrible to them but deep down inside I think you really admire them. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Money seems to be going out with far more speed than it is coming in. Dont lose control, but gain it by working out the figures you need to stay on top. Aquarians interest in you is more than just passing. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Give some thought to holidays, visiting friends or short breaks. You have been working so hard recently, but the opportunity to get away with friends could not have come at a better time. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)When you have freedom you dont want it and when you dont you feel trapped. How do you get out of this rut? Accept that no one will ever own you, let things take their natural course. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Dont leave an argument in the workplace to simmer and stew. Get it out in the open and talk about it and deal with it before too many people become involved. If truth be said the blame lies with both parties. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Places and names that you have not heard before will all play a part in a new chapter of your love life that is forecast. Aries prove lucky in business if youre willing to go the social route to a career boost. </h2>Wednesday, January 26, 2011 I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. -- Adlai Stevenson <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of being cautious, today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having defined the current decade. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium . Don't take it lightly. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 27th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)If we all had the same taste, then life would be pretty boring. The fact that not everyone who appeals to us, appeals to our friends, should actually be a blessing. Therefore follow your own heart. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)News of a divorce or a change in a close ones status could well shake your world this weekend. Nothing is what it seems however so beware of saying something which you may have to take back later. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You may feel guilty you have not been able to spend as much time as you would like with a close one, but you can only spread yourself so far. Tonight offers you both a compromise. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Dont listen in to other peoples conversations, or you could end up hearing and getting involved in something that is not your business. Romance and travel make for a memorable week if you act on instinct. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)A new area of your work is opening up which looks to be the source of much pleasure in your future. Help that you give to Cancerians can do much for your reputation. The number eight links to a mistake in love. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You seem to have lost a lot of respect for someone you used to care a great deal about. Dont say or do anything rash until youve seen what todays stars are set to reveal to you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Someone from your past holds the key to a decision you must make about your future. A fresh start is in your stars but that means not bringing up mistakes from before all the time, doesnt it? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Many things need doing and you need to find a little more patience and you could get it all out of the way quickly and painlessly. Dont give into the spending mood that hits you, finances are needed for love as youre about to discover. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Each day is irreplaceable, so dont ruin yours by allowing the negative moods of others to pull you into their frame of mind. Life is what you make it, so make yours a good one. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Family are proving pretty difficult to deal with at the moment but thats mostly because you are allowing them to. Stand your ground; you know where your priorities should lie, dont you? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Those around dont know how important it is to get things done on time, or to do what theyd promised. However, many of the signs have dramas youre unaware of being played out, so go easy. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)You know just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to go out of your way to let them know. In fact this is a day on which the less you say the better. Reasons why become apparent via a Leo. </h2>Thursday, January 27, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone booger-face. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Too much musk in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Confucious said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.
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1/28/11 Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 28th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)All is about to be revealed about something which you have been curious about for some time. Take your time when dealing with paperwork today as it is more important than you could imagine my friend. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Its time to distance yourself from the person you know has only been a negative influence on you recently. A test of some sort is headed your way in love. Honesty is the key to success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You appear to be getting ready for something mentally if not physically as well. You know life is about to experience something big and youve never been more ready for it, trust me. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)The home is highlighted and you may find yourself having to pay out money for something you did not think was your responsibility. A promise is called in regarding your career and its important you honour it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Try not to tell tales on friends. Not when youve got secrets of your own you dont want to be revealed. A fresh approach you take to an old work problem can be found if you go to the source. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)This week has been a little more uncertain than you would have really liked. Youre still waiting to hear an answer about something or someone that has been subject to a series of delays. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Your emotions are highlighted and you are not sure if you are in control of your life or not. You are, all you have to do is admit what you want. Weve already guessed!SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Check your diary, as aspects indicate youre likely to have forgotten something important thats happening this weekend, and which you wont want to miss. Wearing blue in financial affairs gives you the edge. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Who is to say if youre right or wrong to get involved in other peoples business, especially if youre only trying to help? Bear in mind though, you cant help people who dont want to help themselves. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)The only way youll find out if you can get that favour done for you is if you ask. However if you ask everyone but the face concerned, youll never get your true answer, will you? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Youre spending all your time running around for everyone else and dont appear to have the time to do the little things that a sign such as you finds imperative to a comfortable lifestyle. Make time! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)A touch of fame beckons for many of your sign, as important faces will soon know your name. Dont tell lies in the name of love this week. Family already know more than you could imagine! </h2>Friday, January 28, 2011 The great end of life is not knowledge but action. -- Thomas Henry Huxley <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's prep-something ? Ah! Preparation -something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will receive a Dear John letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't John. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a stiff upper lip . Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) You dumped the body WHERE? . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! A Comparative Study of Invertebrate Parasites is not likely to be published. But A Bucket Full Of Leeches ? Now that's another story. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) While attending a séance just for fun , you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 29th January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Try to slow down and enjoy the view. Youre rushing through life as if it is a race and you are in danger of missing all the good bits. A new relationship gets off to a promising start. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Work which you do on this day, can earn you some friends in very high places. Make sure you dress to impress. It really can make the world of difference my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Why are you allowing yourself to be subject to emotional blackmail yet again? Surely you know by now how this person plays the game? New faces tonight prove flirtations and compatible. Sit up and take note. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Teaching comes under lucky influences and if youre not learning something new, youll be telling others how to do it. A run in with a past friend gives you reason to return to an old hobby. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Time does not seem to be your own recently and some sort of family drama has meant youve had to put personal plans on the back burner. The chance to relax links to an offer comes from a Piscean. Be sure to accept. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Close ones are asking things of you that you dont want to give. Only you can work out whether or not you can offer them some sort of a compromise. Life gets exciting thanks to Venus after 6pm. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Your family are only giving you advice my friend because they care. Maybe if you tried telling them the whole story instead of just half, then they would come up with a new answer. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Life has not always been easy for a sign such as you, youre impulsive and emotional and also very lucky. Why? Because what you want youll get, as youll discover if you push the boundaries today. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Theres a degree of competition in your personal life, making it hard for you to relax. You of all signs should know that the winning strategy is to be yourself and to act naturally, surely? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Your life is never boring. Recently though you seem to have become complacent about a certain situation in your life. Heart to hearts had both today and tomorrow can get you back on track. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)A younger face proves that you dont have to be older to know more. Make a friend of them and you will soon see that life is full of fun and opportunities for you this month. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your element of water is making it hard for you not to share your feelings with those around you. The only problem is that you dont yet have all the facts at your fingertips. Bide your time until todays dramas have played out. </h2>Saturday, January 29, 2011 On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Bad day to call someone a whiney gen-x cybercowboy. Tomorrow's better, for that one. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) While attending a sance just for fun , you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior , and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I'm afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.
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ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)If you can put your inhibitions to one side than you can find several new friends that are sure to enhance your working and your personal life. Take chances and anything will be possible! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have been so busy looking at the faces that are not free that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you. Returning texts today can give you a clue. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Why is it that you always insist on a challenge? Then again, you wouldnt be you if you didnt go for the tough path from time to time would you? Honest talking tonight builds important bridges. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Slowly but surely new avenues of income are opening up to you. By far the best and the most lucrative seem to link to a personal project that up to now you have kept to yourself. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Although you cannot complain about your work you are not entirely happy either. Just tread water for the moment. Important work changes are set to take place in your industry sooner than you think. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)A major expense may seem like a problem initially but with the change of long-term life style it can offer, it is sure to be worth any sacrifice. Proof of this comes today my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Something you had lost faith in shows signs of life again as the stars give you a helping hand. You are at last working out what and who you need to be happy in life. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Your ruling planet Mars is making it hard for you to work out what a close ones words and actions really mean. Phone calls you miss today must be returned. Youll thank me if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Dont let less adventurous signs put you off; the world is yours for the taking. You just need to believe in yourself. Deep down inside, we both know you can do it. Prove it. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)It is party time for you my friend, as invitation after invitation just seems to drop in your lap. Travel is also forecast making this one of your most enjoyable weeks in quite some time. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Put a family members new partner at ease, theyre sure to be grateful and your efforts will not go unnoticed. You definitely have some making up to do after last weeks mix ups. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)There is a decidedly jealous side to your nature which is evolving at this time, and it has got to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later. Having faith today can pay back dividends. </h2>Sunday, January 30, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of galoots, today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word plumbaginous in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like mashie or niblick in casual conversation? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Beware of Doug. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to get more exercise, but can't tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 31st January ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)The stars are making many of the other signs a little selfish today and you need to be careful of risking all you have only recently acquired. Foreign countries are calling you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Certain friends have been taking advantage of you recently. Thats bad enough, but you are the one who has been allowing them to do so. Look at the bigger picture and get your priorities in order. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Your house of work looks confused but this is more to do with you not finding the money youd hoped in your profession. Patience, all good things come to those who wait. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)This is going to be a good month for you as everything you touch turns to gold and a debt of some sort fades away into the background, as both parties reach a happy medium. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)You cant afford to miss out on the kind of opportunities that are coming before you over the next few days. The current line up presents you with the perfect chance to make your perfect plan. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Admit your true feelings to the person you cant get off of your mind and youd stand a chance of seeing your dreams becoming a reality. Hints you let out today do you a major favour. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)A messy planetary line up may convince you to tell lies. There are other alternatives to dilemmas. All you have to do is be willing to put some faith into a close one for a change. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Fame is empty. At least thats what you will feel if you dont grab this golden opportunity with both hands. Travel you embark upon in the name of your career is the beginning of great things. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)The more you play out current dramatics which have been affecting you, the less pleasing your reply may be. Come on, say it as it is and youll find out just how lucky you can be. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Theres much to be done if youre to be a suitable candidate for the opportunities that the end of this month should bring your way. Research and study will pay back dividends. Know this fact. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You find it hard to see anyones problems but your own. Take a more active part in close ones lives and youll see you have the support to make even your wildest dreams come true. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Theres no point in falling out with a family member who you know will never see your point of view, so back off and show your close ones how very mature this month has seen you become. </h2>Monday, January 31, 2011 After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the sock dimension (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an evil laugh and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 1st February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)If you have something to say to a close one of a delicate nature, do it before tomorrows aspects take over, this could be your last chance to win them over. Wear red for power in seduction. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You have so much on your mind but relaxation must be your priority tonight or you will not get through the rest of the week with the success you had originally intended. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Old business contacts hold the key to you sorting out difficult work matters before the week is out. Working hard at this time can make up for the lost time you suffered earlier in the month. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)You are the sign first being affected by the current line up, which promises us all action, drama and intrigue. The only worry I have is you seem to be the main star in this production. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Saturn offers structure to a financial worry. This week is sure to see you saying things that you may regret and so you may want to pre warn friends not to trust you with important secrets. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)It is possible to back down every now and then and compromise will go a long way in your favour at this time. In fact it can benefit both your personal and your professional life today. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Current aspects indicate that one good blow out will be needed if you are to ever get back the passion which has been sacrificed for what you now see as a futile argument recently. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Teamwork is essential if youre to be happy, a skill both you and your loved ones can improve in today. Dont tell tales on family, it will come back on you if you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)The stars fill you full of doubt about a person who once meant the whole world to you. By digging deeper today you will find out the reasons behind their surprise antics and recent words. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Look at how you are carrying out the everyday tasks and youll soon see that you may have stage fright about an upcoming event. Take time out, all is set to go in your favour. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You are now approaching a time where you demand more respect and understanding from your close ones. Set this standard from the beginning, or you are going to have a fight on your hands. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your social life starts opening up to you again after the quiet spell you recently experienced. Youll also find people coming to your support about a break of some sort in your family or friends circle. </h2>Tuesday, February 01, 2011 If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name Beer and they will discover that the delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called Milwaukee since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly control anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some influence over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the Big Band theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call Tuba Ensemble. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Someone will tell you today Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school. Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Angst day, today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 2nd February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Text messages link to offers of romances that are sure to be coming your way and are more compatible than you may first realise. Its time to cut loose from that friend who is using you too. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You need to get out and blow off some steam. How youre going to do this without upsetting a close one seems a bit of a mystery. Stand tall; you deserve this freedom, dont you? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Resist the temptation of judging another Gemini too quickly, as there is far more to them than first meets the eye as time will soon tell. Double check transactions at lunchtime, mistakes are likely. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Youre taking on a fresh perspective and I hope youre also going to take on a new routine for yourself. Exercise, a better way of living and giving up bad habits are all favoured from today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Time spent working on what you want instead of what others think you should be doing can give you the upper hand in both personal and professional matters this week. Listen to your instincts. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Dont keep thinking back to the past, not when your future has so much to offer you. A new set of friends is offering you the perfect chance to start afresh, so take full advantage. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Its time you pushed for more; your close ones are more than willing to give it. This is a great day to talk intimately to close ones about how you see your life together working out. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may be having some trouble completing your work but you need to slow down and try and plan something a little more relaxing so you can think with a clear conscience. Its the key! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You must feel a little bit like piggy in the middle with all of the childish banter that is going around at the moment. Dont be pushed into saying things just for the sake of popularity. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Watch out for surprise visitors. Geminis are going to be hot on your tail for attention but careful as you really could be playing with fire if you tangle with this hot headed and determined sign today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Just because something didnt work for a friend, doesnt mean it wont work for you. It may be better not to tell them all your plans or you could end up backing yourself into a corner. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Your stars suggest you can cover up your mistakes in business by paying that money when it is due and new funds can be found by discussing existing contracts with the right faces this time. </h2>Wednesday, February 02, 2011 If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: Who Do You Want To Be Today? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart Kitchen Shovels , I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook Recipes For Disaster (the sequel to Another Fine Mess ). <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as Doctor . This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 3rd February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)No one, no matter what their sign, can think straight when they have so much on their mind. Delegate and remember that patience is a virtue in overseas business dealings over the coming month. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Youll find it hard not to be rude to someone you dont like and this seems to be mainly due to the fact that you have been taken for a fool one by a close one. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You must make a plan for yourself so your energies lay only with your priorities, or you could end up ruining the hard work that January saw you do. Aries help you focus for success. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)A messy planetary line up may convince you to tell lies. There are other alternatives to dilemmas. All you have to do is be willing to put some faith into a close one for a change. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Love comes hard and fast into your life and links to the past in a most intriguing way. This is one time where I would actually advise you to take chances. Your future depends on it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You seem to be thinking about everyones needs but your own recently. Its time to put you first. Thats right, for once Im encouraging you to be selfish. What are you waiting for? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Dont offer money that you dont have, to those you want to impress as you will only regret it and feel the fool when you have to retract your proposal later. Truths earn you far more fans. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You should at long last find the help that youve been seeking. To say you have been a little stressed this past month would be an understatement. Today proves it was all worth the effort. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)It would be in your interests today to remember the motto forewarned is forearmed. Doing your research and completing all that you had promised could see you with the upper hand financially and professionally. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You may know that you have no intention of honouring the promises you have recently made, but the person concerned does not. Letting them down sooner can save you a confrontation worth your while avoiding today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)New deals that are discussed today, could well lead you to those finances youve dreamed of. Paperwork sent off at this time can also see you getting ahead of the competition. Focus brings success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)It is not that a close one doesnt want to put you first, it is just that they are unable to at this time. Patience can pay dividends and brings an explanation your way. </h2>Thursday, February 03, 2011 People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito. <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Beware of rodents. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as Frijole-breath before the day is through. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
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</h2>Friday, February 04, 2011 It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. Shirley MacLaine <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the situation occurs.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say bad bush! in a loud stern tone. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however. Aries (March 21 - April 20)It's a good day for going after what you want.Lucky numbers: 1, 10, 14, 22, 31, 40 Taurus (April 21 - May 20)Lively, exciting conversations will be on the agenda, and you stand to be inspired to learn a whole new skill. Go for it, it's never to late to learn something new.Lucky numbers: 6, 17, 21, 26, 33, 39 Gemini (April 21 - May 20)Focus on routine tasks during the P.M. Tonight brings unexpected social developments. Tonight your love life will blossom.Lucky numbers: 3, 8, 19, 20, 34, 39 Cancer (April 21 - May 20)The night is ripe for romance and pleasure. Flexability is the name of the game, things will go your way tonight. Just enjoy.Lucky numbers: 4, 7, 18, 25, 36, 37 Leo (April 21 - May 20)If you put your mind to it, you'll come up with some pleasurable ideas. Someone met socially will provide the pleasure. Get out and find that someone. Tonight will be the night.Lucky numbers: 2, 6, 9, 12, 34, 41 Virgo (April 21 - May 20)You could meet someone new and adorable.Lucky numbers: 3, 11, 23, 25, 28, 36 Libra (April 21 - May 20)Make plans to enjoy a concert, movie or other entertainment.Lucky numbers: 3, 10, 11, 21, 22, 38 Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)Above all else, enjoy yourself today!Lucky numbers: 17, 23, 24, 27, 32, 36 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)A stroke of luck is on the cards, with the only problem being how to contain your self. You haven't felt this good, in a long time. Enjoy. Lucky numbers: 1, 7, 28, 34, 37, 40 Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)It may be time for a new look, a new you, a new attitude and go shopping!Lucky numbers: 6, 13, 16, 23, 26, 30 Aquarius (December 22 - January 19)Relationship matters will be passionate and meaningful, one particular person could take quite a bit of your leisure hours. Lucky numbers: 8, 17, 26, 33, 36, 45 Pisces (December 22 - January 19)Relationship matters will be passionate and meaningful, one particular person could take quite a bit of your leisure hours. Lucky numbers: 8, 17, 26, 33, 36, 45 erotiscopes.com -- Edited by PMM2008 on Friday 4th of February 2011 08:59:18 AM
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 5th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Geminis prove to be good friends, so make sure you keep them in your sights. What you thought to be a firm work offer could have been just a suggestion. Get all deals in writing. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)Conversations today could just see you uncovering some facts, which you will not like. Have a back up plan in place for tonight, you need a get out clause as youre about to discover. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)You know youve learnt a lot over the last few years havent you? But by far the most valuable lesson you should learn is that you actually enjoy what you do and youre good at it. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Your life is the centre of much speculation and it is as if everyone is just watching and waiting to see what your next move will be. Youre about to pleasantly surprise yourself and those around. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Pay attention to what Taureans have to say, their insight can help you to save both money and face, particularly concerning a romantic misunderstanding from last month. Aries boost your career and your finances. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)You seem to be mixing with a different crowd recently and this has led you to reassess who you are and what you want. Youve realized that you were aiming too low, and youre right. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You know what you have done and even you dont even seem to understand why you have done it. The sooner you sort this out, the sooner you can get on with enjoying your life. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)Money matters may prove worrying but listen to the options that close ones are offering and dont feel that you have to cope with everything on your own. Clarity comes with re-reading old paperwork sent. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You must realise, you cant help someone who isnt even willing to help themselves. You have tried your best and its now time to back away and to start to make yourself a priority. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Promises are likely to be broken and its with this in mind that you mustnt be too harsh on close ones, who are likely to have events over the coming days, taken out of their hands. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You are about to be faced with numerous opportunities to enhance both your love life and your career as the stars line up to help you see things as they really are. Your time has come! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Think of any problems you are facing as someone elses and sooner than you think you will find the best solutions. Your instincts should actually lead you to one of your most romantic encounters yet. </h2>Saturday, February 05, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd ping! sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Deny everything. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will insist on being called El Magnifico , today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo . I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to fritter things away. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 6th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Correspondence that you received last month should now start to take effect and much to your advantage too. Enjoying time with faces from the professional world opens up a new social scene for you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)You dont seem to be able to do any wrong, which also means youll be pushing colleagues to the limit with the things youll be trying to get away with. Phone calls bring good news tonight. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Many of your sign will find themselves celebrating on this day, as something youve worked really hard towards has finally come to fruition. Dont tell tales on younger faces, it will come back on you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)What you thought to be a promise from a close one could in fact have turned out to be merely an idea. Dont waste your time; confirm facts to ensure you get the most constructive week. LEO (24th-August 23rd)You need to pay some bills or write some cheques. It may hurt, but you know youve got to give in eventually or you may lose the respect permanently of an important figure in your life. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Changes in work may seem scary at first but let me assure you they really are a blessing in disguise my friend. Someone you thought was going to let you down pleasantly surprises you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You have more facts than you think at your fingertips and its time you left certain faces in your life behind once and for all. A new life is knocking, its time you answered. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You cant help someone who cant help himself or herself. When are you going to learn this fact? Move on and think about yourself for once. The stars are backing you for the independence you need. Utilise them! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Children come to the fore. You may find yourself having to go out of your way in order to help someone who cant do something they need for themselves. Just dont make promises you cant deliver. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Dont make fun of those who are not doing so well. You may have a more devastating effect on them than you think. Say positive things and watch them flower. Youll be glad you did. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)Matters of the heart are highlighted, as you seem unsure who actually has sole possession of your emotions. This week would be better spent thinking of the future and who you want to be with. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)A challenge to your abilities can bring great results this week, so go for it. You think you need to aim lower when the truth is you actually need to be aiming much higher my friend. </h2>Sunday, February 06, 2011 I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. -- Garry Shandling <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo. I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Avoid yodelling today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the wacky inventor hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 7th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Should you ring them if they have not rung you? Not in this case no. You dont want to downplay yourself, as you surely know that they are the lucky ones, not the other way round. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)There are a lot of new faces popping up in your career and it appears from your chart that a little jealousy is emerging. Make friends not foes of them and you will find allies for life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)Today sees you faced with the temptation of getting involved with people from your past. Go slow and remember the reasons behind your parting or you could be heading for a broken heart all over again. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Your feelings for a certain person are growing stronger by the day. Youre slowly but surely beginning to realise that you deserve to be happy. Phone calls made and received today can confirm this fact. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)Yours is a delicate situation, which you think you cannot get out of. There is a way forward. Your options are more flexible at this time than you think, examine them and answers will be found. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Please dont tell your close ones how much you have or you could miss out on a personal extravagance midmonth youve long been waiting for. Lies in family confrontations must not be an option. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)You can be assured that this week will see you acting in true Libran style. Just beware of treading on friends toes in love matters, make sure the person involved is worth losing a friendship over. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You may not want to think of a close one making changes, but you may have no choice if you are to keep them in your life. Money comes in late around now so prepare accordingly. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)Dont get jealous of a loved one whose career is creeping into their social life. If it were you these opportunities were being offered to you wouldnt be so quick to reprimand. Confidence is your secret weapon. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)Look out for unexpected events occurring in love. You are going to be faced with the opportunity to impress a lot of new faces in your life but dont allow your confidence to become arrogance. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)You should actually find yourself having a really good time once you get rid of those inhibitions. Geminis can keep that secret which I know is eating away at you, but doesnt have to be. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)If you want to improve your confidence then wear red to bring out the best in your personality. News you receive of someone from your past gives you reason to feel confident about your future. </h2></h2> -- Edited by PMM2008 on Monday 7th of February 2011 11:06:59 AM
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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 8th February ARIES (March 21st-April 20th)Arguments that take place at the weekend must be resolved quickly and calmly if you are to avoid the coming week being nothing more than a minefield and especially if a Pisces is involved. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st)This is an important month for you, professionally and personally, so enjoy it, the main frame of your work is already done. Watch out for a Capricorn or Scorpio trying to claim glory for your efforts. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st)A decision you must make takes a lot of guts but if you think its the right one, go for it, lifes too short for regrets. Be proud youve tried hard, success is yours if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd)Youve got itchy feet but where to take them? Theres a lot of talk about your life but not a lot of action. This is due to the fact you no longer need to prove yourself. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd)I know you may feel let down because of the way that a certain person has treated you. However by listening to their offer of explanation today, youll learn much that can make you smile. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd)Don't be too quick to judge a friend in the workplace. Not everyone has your maturity and what they need right now is support. Why don't you find out what was really behind their actions? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd)Youd like more time to complete something. Just do what you can in the time provided, your love life may depend open it. Your efforts are what will be noticed most at this time. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd)You are remembering certain faces in your life through rose coloured spectacles, which is also I think why you are not telling your friends what is really going on in your mind. Communication brings clarity. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st)You dont like making apologies, but for once youre going to have to put your proud nature to one side. Say sorry to the person youve upset. Why? Because its your last chance to do so. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th)You find yourself in great humour as the stars try their hardest to put faces you know and love before you. You raise the stakes in romance, and it works, as events are about to prove. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th)The Sun gives you the strength to deal with people you usually shy away from. If theres a confrontation thats been brewing this is actually the perfect week to have it. Successful solutions will be found. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th)Its been a while since weve been able to see the real facts behind the dramas being played out but thanks to Saturn this is a week in which we can expect some honest answers. </h2>Tuesday, February 08, 2011 <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken . It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose , told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It's a pity that you don't like Cole slaw. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on Mosey Your Way To Fitness , a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
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