Daily Horoscopes....

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 11th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A new set of friends comes into your life just as an old set is leaving.  Dont feel you have to tell white lies in order to impress them; theyll like you just as you are. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Someone seems to think you are responsible for all that has gone wrong in their life. It is they who had to make the decisions not you, so step away from this negative and unnecessary influence.  GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) The best times this week can be found with Scorpios. They seem to know just what to do to make you smile.  A Pisces from your past wants to make amends for your broken friendship. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Visiting places from your past brings back vivid memories and makes it hard for you to look forward. A new face is about to change what you want out of life. Get ready and eyes forward. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Its clear from your chart that you have been under a lot of pressure, but solutions can be found if you are willing to take a chance on what you want, not what others want.  VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The stars make it hard for you to know who you can trust.  Finances also come under scrutiny.  You can control this week if you act on facts not fiction and get information from the source. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont offer money that you dont have to those you want to impress. You will only regret it and feel the fool when you have to retract your proposal later.  Truths earn you far more fans. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont worry about arguments transpiring in your love life at this time.  You may think they are serious but they are simply the building blocks to make your base a more secure one.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Try to be more understanding to older faces around you. You can really help them. You have an awful lot of strong characters around, but if you take control they are sure to follow your lead. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It would seem that someone from your past is not yet ready to let go of you.  With this in mind be careful that you are not absentmindedly leading someone on please. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You want a change to your career but its more to do with fine tuning than anything else. Take your time though, as what you are doing will last for years, not just weeks to come. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) When you become focused on something youre like a dog with a bone and you wont let it go until you find out everything you need to know. This is exactly why a certain persons worried.  Tuesday, October 11, 2011   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed .) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 12th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Sagittarians prove to be good friends, so make sure you keep them in your sights. What you thought to be a firm work offer could have been just a suggestion. Get all deals in writing. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Forced changes end up being to your benefit. How funny to think that it was not too long ago that you swore you would never even contemplate certain subjects or areas of life again. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont appear to be feeling as strong as you should but you have more support than you think so dont be afraid to ask those around to take a few responsibilities off of your hands. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The stars line up to bring creativity and success to your work.  You should not have any problems impressing those around you and you can even face that financial issue youve been hiding from.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Venus, the planet of love, makes game playing the norm and honesty an impossibility.  Try not to make promises you have no intention of keeping. It will only come back on you tomorrow. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You still havent got over the events from last month. You have a lot of thinking to do as you finally decide to make the life change which can lead you to true happiness. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont think that you can use your very persuasive nature to get close ones to see your point of view today. The planets are making the majority of us more stubborn than usual, so beware. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) What do you deserve out of life? Is it the best or second best? If you think its the latter then you need a wake up call as youre missing out on experiencing the best. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Fact is stranger than fiction on this day as you start to find out that all is not what it seems in your personal life. Dont worry though archer, as the stars are on your side for an end result which is sure to please. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may have thought that your actions over the last few days and weeks have been subtle but you could not be more wrong.  Be prepared to stand up for what or who youve chosen. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Maybe it is just the thought of change itself that is scaring you. Think things through properly this week before answering.  Communication offers clarity and peace of mind.  Phone calls can make you money today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Conversations today could just see you uncovering some facts which you will not like.  Have a back up plan in place for tonight. You need a get out clause, as youre about to discover.  Wednesday, October 12, 2011   It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else. James M. Barrie    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a bad hair day. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: Disturb the equilibrium (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud smooching sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they? I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You'll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 13th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You know youve learnt a lot over the last few years havent you?  But by far the most valuable lesson you should learn is that you actually enjoy what you do and youre good at it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You do let your imagination run away with you from time to time, dont you? Its time to come back down to earth and to look at things as they are. Success will be yours. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont judge a book by its cover.  Leave any opinions you may feel like casting until youve seen what tonights very dramatic line up is intent on showing you. Youll be pleasantly surprised if you do. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) An opportunity to show how professional you can be to superiors may mean you giving up some of your spare time for no immediate reward. Do it. It should be the springboard youve been waiting for. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may be finding it hard to get family to fit in with your plans as you had hoped, but there is much you can do to improve your chances of changing their minds at lunchtime. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre in the middle of something quite delicate and you seem to be a little unsure of how things are going to end up. Confidence is half your battle. Know this and act accordingly, my friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its ok to be upset about something that happened. If you dont go through these emotions, you wont be able to move on. Life is all about learning; its what takes us to the next level. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Use the stars to your advantage. Make up with the face that last month you thought wouldnt talk to you again.  Love can be found in alternative places, which youll first think of refusing to visit. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You still dont seem to know in exactly which direction you want to take your career but you can clear many doubts by dipping your toes in the waters of your dreams. Today offers you this opportunity. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont even think about cancelling arrangements youve made for today as someone has gone out of their way to make exciting plans for you. News of someone from your past gives need for a phone call. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Fresh new ways to get on with your close ones make for a refreshing week. You thought you could not get over a certain problem but you were wrong and events today should prove this fact. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You should start to see some changes in a close one after the recent strange spell they went through.  Many of the signs have been more distant of late, but from now normality returns.  Thursday, October 13, 2011   Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Schultz    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You'll find more, and very interesting , uses for cocktail umbrellas today. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to fritter things away. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -&gt; On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you don't start relaxing a bit before lunch, you're going to develop a close cousin to IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) -- the dreaded Disgruntled Stomache.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 14th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This may well be a day when you have to choose between family and friends. They say that blood is thicker than water but mixed emotions show youre not sure. Sleep on it, answers come tomorrow. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A challenge to your abilities can bring great results this week, so go for it. You think you need to aim lower when the truth is you actually need to be aiming much higher my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont chase dreams of others, not when you are so close to obtaining your own.  Conversations with friends can reveal what really did or didnt happen last weekend.   Beware lies coming from a Taurus.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Look at how you are carrying out everyday tasks and youll soon see that you have stage fright about an upcoming event and thats all!  Take time out; all is set to go in your favour.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You find yourself in great humour as the stars try their hardest to put faces you know and love before you. You raise the stakes in romance, and it works, as events are about to prove. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Only you can decide whether to let that secret youre keeping out of the bag, so stop asking friends and stop asking family. Neptune has a message in your dreams for you, listen to it. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Arguments find successful solutions if dealt with today.  Your mind seems to be set on taking a certain action about a close one, but please just make sure you have all the facts before you act.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The planet Mercury can give you the strength you require to remedy a romantic situation, so use it to your full advantage. Be nice to Librans, they can do much to enhance your career. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The planet Saturn is getting ready to offer you his support in matters youre usually ready to shy away from.  Hold your head up. From here on in theres a future worth heading towards. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A change in a family members life has been affecting you more than you realise but its unlikely to last. Be supportive. Good fun can be had as an old friend comes back on the social scene. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The planets make it hard for you to know who you can trust.   Finances also come under scrutiny. You can control this week if you act on facts, not fiction and get information from the source.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) New ways to impress a family member come with a perk you are set to receive in your job. Life starts to get exciting and you start to realise that you are destined for great things.  Friday, October 14, 2011   If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name Throckmorton. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, Throckmorton is a completely inappropriate name for an office. Wiggins is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow orker . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get stuck like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 15th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Its time you pushed for more; your close ones are more than willing to give it. This is a great day to talk intimately to close ones about how you see your life together working out. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You may be having some trouble completing your work but you need to slow down and to try and plan something a little more relaxing so you can think with a clear conscience. Its the key! GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Something new is starting in your life and its imperative that you work on creating a good and lasting base.  Time spent with a Sagittarian can fill in many blanks about last weeks dramas. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre taking on a fresh perspective, and I hope youre also going to take on a new routine for yourself. Exercise, a better way of living and giving up bad habits are all favoured from today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Time spent working on what you want, instead of what others think you should be doing, can give you the upper hand in both personal and professional matters this week. Listen to your instincts. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have been spending more and more time with a certain face and its been having a really profound effect on how you view your future. Big decisions loom and youre finally in the driving seat. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You must feel a little bit like piggy in the middle with all of the childish banter that is going around at the moment.  Dont be pushed into saying things just for the sake of popularity. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Many new faces have started to surround your life but just what they mean to you is unclear.  Try not to jump into any romantic situations too quickly. A good base is your key to longevity. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) So, you find out someones said something about you behind your back. Do you get mad, hunt them down, tell them what you think about them? No, because that would indicate you half believe them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Watch out for surprise visitors. Geminis are going to be hot on your tail for attention but careful - you really could be playing with fire if you tangle with this hot headed and determined sign today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Just because something didnt work for a friend, doesnt mean it wont work for you. It may be better not to tell them all your plans or you could end up backing yourself into a corner. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont keep thinking back to the past, not when your future has so much to offer you.  A new set of friends is offering you the perfect chance to start afresh, so take full advantage.  Saturday, October 15, 2011   I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it. -- Voltaire (1694-1778)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together! <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said The geek shall inherit the earth , but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having defined the current decade. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That's when you'll have to be a bit creative, if you don't want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say I don't know - I don't really spend that much time on the porch. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 16th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Family prove more draining on your resources than usual but all for a very worthy cause, as youll soon see. Arguments about money prove futile, so resist getting into arguments which can see no solution.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your career comes under the spotlight and if what you do for a living isnt really suited to you, then this is the week you decide to do something about it. Scorpios link to such dramas. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Exciting and alternative offers come your way of both a personal and professional nature. Guard against any displays of bad temper today, it can only come back on you if you do, my friend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) From here on in you should be able to see at last what happens when you stop working at love and just let it happen. Youve been scared, but by taking down those defences, miracles happen. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Talking about your problems can be a great way to begin to sort them out. Ignoring them can lead nowhere. Today can and should prove that a problem shared is a problem halved. Time to speak out. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Fun is on offer as emergencies in the workplace allow you to see a softer side of a face you once feared.  Dont argue over money, your side of events is weak to say the least. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Travel brings good news concerning your love life.  Watch out how much you tell certain friends about your future plans, you would be better off to wait until any deals have been signed and sealed. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your social life starts opening up to you again after the quiet spell you recently experienced. Youll also find people coming to your support regarding a break of some sort in your family or friends circle.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Playing games in love cannot and must not be an option. Youve put too much hard work into your life this year to set yourself back now. Lay your heart on the line and rewards await.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You dont understand exactly what a close one wants from you.  Maybe if you spent a little more time listening, instead of talking, you would discover that they could actually help and not hinder your life.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You can look forward to today, as you find out those rumours have no base and you can get on with living life together instead of against each other. About time too, Im sure youll agree. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You dont like making apologies, but for once youre going to have to put your proud nature to one side. Say sorry to the person youve upset. Why? Because its your last chance to do so.  Sunday, October 16, 2011   The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Frank Zappa    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a bludgeoning. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been blackened . Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 17th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) There appears to be some rather tense atmospheres in the family and it is vital that you dont become piggy in the middle in a game which is not even anything to do with you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Resist the temptation of judging a Leo too quickly, as there is far more to them then first meets the eye as time will soon tell. Double check transactions at lunchtime, mistakes are likely. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You should try to pay some bills or write some cheques. It may hurt, but you know youve got to give in eventually or you may lose the respect of an important figure in your life. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Children come to the fore. You may find yourself having to go out of your way in order to help someone who cant do something they need for themselves. Just dont make promises you cant deliver. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your feelings for a certain person are growing stronger by the day. Youre slowly but surely beginning to realise that you deserve to be happy.  Phone calls made and received today can confirm this fact. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You cant help someone who cant help themselves. When are you going to learn this fact?  Move on and think about yourself for once. The stars are backing you for the independence you need. Utilise them! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Changes in work may seem scary at first but let me assure you they really are a blessing in disguise my friend.  Someone you thought was going to let you down pleasantly surprises you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) The gossip that youre spreading at the moment is pointless. Remember the saying that people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones. Dont start a war you may not be able to finish, my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have important business to take care of. This week you can achieve more than you did in the whole of last month. This is exactly why you shouldnt let fair-weather friends distract you. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Travel looks prominent and as its something I know you love to do, this is going to be a pretty exciting month for you. Dont play games in love with texts. Youll get your fingers burnt. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The stars decide to spice up your life and give you the chance to do something you wouldnt usually have the nerve or the inclination for.  My how youve changed and how exciting this fact is! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Make time to work out where it is you want to be in life and what your dreams and ambitions are. Its easy with the attention around to mistake others wishes for your own.  Monday, October 17, 2011   The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Yugoslavian hotel    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags... <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone booger-face . <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingie . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Confucious said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should learn something from your cat -- no matter what you've done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 18th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youre running out of time to reply to something, which could change the state of your finances. Dont let a lazy nature stop you from doing your work. This is your time, dont waste it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Flirtations in the workplace could jeopardise all of the hard work you have put into your career recently. Try to keep all such rendezvous for outside the office. Youll know why from tomorrow my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Just because you dont get on with a close ones friends, doesnt mean that you have to end your union? I hope not. You have too much to lose to try and prove youre worthy. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Be nice to all of the people you cross paths with in business. Those you think dont hold the power could in fact be the very people who can help you turn that all important corner. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may not realise it but youre getting closer and closer by the day to getting what you want professionally. With this in mind stand tall and show them what youre made of with todays drama. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Jealousys never a nice trait, especially when its within a family. Working together can make you all untouchable. Make the effort to hold those all-important peace talks tonight please. Success is yours if you do. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You must not use friends for who they know. You may not realise it but your actions are more obvious than you think and you are in danger of making yourself seem like a taker. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Friends are going to be making the effort to meet up with you. Bear in mind though that if you continue to make excuses for much longer, they may give up altogether.  Make the extra effort. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may think that you have to cope on your own but you actually have far more friends and supporters than you think.  Dont shut close ones out but tell them about how youre really feeling. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Phone calls you make today link to shortcuts in a business deal that are sure to prove lucrative and fun. You can be sure that you will be hearing some very pleasing news from your close ones too. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You have been too hard on yourself and are obviously your own worst taskmaster.  You need to try and plan something relaxing so you can unwind and get your thoughts straight, particularly on love.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont lose your temper until youve had a chance to look at the facts. Someones imagination has been working overtime and you would be wise to back off until you hear from the person concerned directly.  Tuesday, October 18, 2011  Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and walking it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Following up on your accidental observation of the sock dimension (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.   -- Edited by PMM2008 on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 04:47:16 AM

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 19th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Unexpected visitors could prove embarrassing if you have not made sure you can be proud of your home and appearance. Bear this in mind, it could make all the difference to your plans next week. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Long distance travel and romantic beginnings go hand in hand from today.  What you thought could not be yours can be. The power of positive thinking can and will see miracles occur in your life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Fun times with the younger generation can shed much light on how their minds really work. Youre set to have a closer relationship from here on in and an easier day-to-day living is forecast. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Certain people think youre responsible for things, which you and I know you are not. How do you tackle this delicate situation? Head on my friend.  This is one time when honesty is the best policy. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) This is such a great day for you to tackle the delicate paperwork you did such a good job of avoiding last week. Trusting your instincts can also bring you luck both professionally and personally. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont make accusations if you dont have the proof you need to back up your information.  Hearsay, which is being spoken at this time, could land you in more hot water than you realise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Saturn, the planet of structure, is willing to help you to get over a problem which you have spent most of the last few days worrying about.  In fact, love can be found through current challenges. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Thinking about how you speak to those around you can help you to get so much closer to the very faces you have felt so distant from of late. Youre breaking down important barriers.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You may think its unfair that family arent telling you what theyre really saying, but you havent been truthful with them recently. All theyre doing is giving you a bit of your own medicine, isnt it? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre becoming more and more into the idea of home and commitment. Last month, you wanted to fly the nest but you now know and realise what and who is at the top of your list. Call my star line to hear who owes you an apology. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Try not to let down that family member. They are counting on you more than you could imagine and their gratitude is sure to be reward enough. Saturn brings mystery and intrigue, as tonight soon shows. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Check your messages on both phone and e-mail today. If you dont, you could miss out on an exciting invitation putting you in the path of someone youve long wanted to run into again.  Wednesday, October 19, 2011  There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. Executive Grunge , you'll call it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This will be one of those days , I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise and iceberg lettuce. Fight it! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, Bob! You're still alive! (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to invest in collectable things. Susan B. Anthony dollars make a good start (they can only plummet so far, after you invest in them, unlike your normal investments).

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 20th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Taking a chance on love goes in your favour. It may take a lot of courage, but if you dont put your heart on the line, youll never know how it feels to find true happiness. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) There is an air of magic about your stars today. Heads will turn when you walk by. People will listen when you talk. What to do with this power? Rectify yesterdays major setback you experienced. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Be prepared. You wont be able to hold on to the news youve been keeping secret for much longer.  Remember that structure is essential.  Try to write down what you want to say before you say it.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You may have to take some sort of a course or test to take your career up to the next level. The funny thing is, youre about to get much enjoyment from such a punishment.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Be careful that you are not appearing ungrateful to a close one who has gone out of their way for you this week and made sacrifices which were actually above and beyond the call of duty. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Time spent with faces from your past can finally help you work out what you really want from life. Its all about going back to your routes and thats exactly what youre doing now. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have more facts than you think at your fingertips and its time you left certain faces in your life behind once and for all. A new life is knocking. Its time you answered. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Current aspects indicate that one good blow-out will be needed if you are to ever get back the passion which has been sacrificed for what you now see as a futile argument recently. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You are now approaching a time where you demand more respect and understanding from your close ones. Set this standard from the beginning, or you are going to have a fight on your hands. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The stars fill you full of doubt about a person who once meant the whole world to you. By digging deeper today you will find out the reasons behind their surprise antics and recent words. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Look at how you are carrying out the everyday tasks and youll soon see that you have stage fright about an upcoming event. Thats all. Take time out, all is set to go in your favour. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You need real answers and they can only be found by surpassing game playing and going for the mature approach. By that same token dont get a friend to do your ground work in love tonight.  Thursday, October 20, 2011   Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating -- Marshall Field  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually Did you know that there's a spider on your neck? <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of rodents. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbours a bit -- keeps them civil. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) While attending a seance just for fun , you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You know that how you dress will inevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: Disturb the equilibrium (Catalyst for Men, by Halston) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 21st October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Having faith in those you work with can make the perfect ingredients for a great professional relationship. You had not been working as a team, but all of that is changing from here on in. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Teamwork is essential if youre to be happy, a skill both you and your loved ones can improve in today. Dont tell tales on family. It will come back on you if you do. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Matters of the heart are highlighted, as you seem unsure who actually has sole possession of your emotions.  This week would be better spent thinking of the future and who you want to be with. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A friend needs a favour. But you may not want to oblige when you find out all the details.  Resist agreeing until they have explained their needs fully. You may regret it otherwise. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) This strange behaviour we have seen you adopt of late can do you no favours. Make a plan to get your personal and professional life to work in synch then well all feel a lot happier. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Friends have your best interests at heart but are unlikely to give the advice you really need.  The moon gives you the guts to do the things you had previously wanted but never dared go for. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Powerful aspects bring old friends back into your life for a very happy reason. Dont lose faith in a career dream you hold.  Miracles can and will happen if you show faith, my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Text messages link to offers of romances that are sure to be coming your way and are more compatible than you may at first realise.  Its time to cut loose from that friend who is using you too.   SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youll find it hard not to be rude to someone you dont like and this seems to be mainly due to the fact that you have been taken for a fool one by a close one. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) To say your humour is a little extreme would be an understatement.  The current line up brings out your naughty side and deep down inside you love it.  Tact brings a new best friend tonight. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are thinking more about your appearance and some of you may even make the effort today to keep up some sort of a personal fitness regime. Rumours regarding love arent true. Ignore them. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You may want to take some time out of your busy schedule to ask close ones how their life is. They could be in need of your advice.  Friday, October 21, 2011   Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. -- Friedrich Nietzsche  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone booger-face. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today, someone named Svlad will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will develop the extremely rare Perkin's Disease , and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, Jim , into wrestling a giant anaconda. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn't like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 22nd October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) I know you have moved on, but a certain person hasnt got to that stage yet. Do you lead them on or tell it like it is? Only you can decide, but today is that day. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Gambles in love pay back tenfold. Remember that if you think you can, you will and if you think you cant, you wont. Travel plans link to a new future in more ways than you imagine. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont give up on those travel plans that you made. It is far better for you to look at the facts and then come to a happy medium than it is to go to extreme options. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Gossip regarding births, pregnancies and new beginnings in your inner circle give you reason to question your life.  Where you are going, what you really want and what this last year has really meant to you.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone you thought you could trust in life has let you down. Dont waste time being disappointed, but move on. There is a better life calling out for you and the quicker you move the better. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) New and very meaningful relationships are set to take place at this time which, for many of your sign, could even cross over into romance if you take advantage of your opportunities.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You may feel as if you are going backwards with your life but I can assure you this is not true. What is occurring is simply a slower pace but definitely not a change for the worse. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Romance and passion go hand in hand if you can make sure youre rested for the midweek activities the stars are planning. Talk to superiors sooner rather than later to find out how finances fare this week. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Solo projects show great signs of promise thanks to an important phone call you have at last found the courage to make. Just be careful of signing any contracts without a professional opinion though. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) I know you love a bit of fun, but not when such emotions are involved.  Love makes up for setbacks as you finally get the commitment you asked for.  Question is, do you still want it? AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) I know you may feel let down because of the way that a certain person has treated you. However, by listening to their offer of explanation today, youll learn much that can make you smile. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are thinking more about the way you look and some of you may be making an effort to keep fit.  Rumours regarding love arent true. Ignore them.  Saturday, October 22, 2011  I used to go fishing, then it dawned on me: I can buy fish. Kenny Rogerson  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to doodle. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Bad day to call someone a whiney gen-x cybercowboy. Tomorrow's better, for that one. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 23rd October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont allow others to make you feel bad about what you did. You and I know you had good reason and that you also had no other options. Evidence for this statement comes today. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Answers to recent dramatics can be found from Aquarians. You still dont seem to know how you feel about events which have transpired in your love life but both answers and solutions come after 6pm. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Work out a long-term plan instead of living day by day. This strategy worked for you once upon a time but youre no longer in a situation when you can live like that, can you? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre starting to form some new and very important bonds with members of your family that last year you had neither the time nor the inclination to put your energy into.  About time too, my friend. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) The time has come to make a decision regarding an important trip a family member is hoping you will make with them.  If you dont intend on honouring your words tell them sooner rather than later. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Use today to tie up a contractual matter once and for all.  Try not to say things that you know are going to hurt a close one.  Theres nothing worse than kicking someone when theyre down.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Focus on what you want for you and your close ones and not on what others perceive to mean success. Thats the key to you ending this whole month on a high in fact. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your life has changed in so many ways and I hope youre proud of all you have achieved.  If youre not then you should be. Cancerians have a project to share with you, seek them out. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you.  You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them, so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont be afraid to take chances in love.  What you have wanted all along can be yours, if youre willing to raise the stakes.  Cancerians hold the key to an intriguing new path in your career. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) If a loved one wanted a change so badly you couldnt imagine them being happy without it, of course youd have to consider it. But consider too, if you know it will make you utterly miserable. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont be too quick to judge the new faces who are set to come into your life.  There is much to be gained by holding back on your opinions, especially on Aries and Leos.  Sunday, October 23, 2011   I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. -- Vice President Dan Quayle  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught). <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading Dear Big People.... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Continue hiding. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Avoid yodelling today. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about Bob Nostradamus , but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called Rainy Daze . You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for Clenched Buttocks as a band name. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.   -- Edited by PMM2008 on Sunday 23rd of October 2011 08:53:25 AM

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 24th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Commitments are being made in love which can change the course of your life, so make sure you think with both your head and your heart and dont be led by friends or family. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Secretly you are dying to make commitments but pride is standing in your way. The best signs to offer support are Aries and Scorpio who can help you look at both sides of the coin. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) There is a lot at stake at the moment and if you can keep up the fast pace that last week saw you adopt then you could just meet the deadline you promised superiors. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Those around you can just see how much happier you are now but careful about telling too many people too much too soon.   They may think youve rushed into things, but you and I know different. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have been so busy looking at the faces who are not free, that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you.  Returning texts today can give you a clue. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The Moon brings out your secretive side and could well see you doing things you wouldnt usually even dream of. Just bear in mind if this includes naughty behaviour in love too my friend! LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Watch out. You are going to be tempted to do something that you shouldnt and you may even find yourself entering into a financial agreement that tomorrow you will think is just plain crazy.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Forced changes end up being to your benefit. Strange to think that it was not very long ago that you swore you would never even contemplate certain subjects or areas in your life again. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont believe all you hear about a family member, you would be far better off to give them the benefit of the doubt. It wasnt so long ago that you were being accused unfairly, was it? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You have your heart set on getting some time alone with a close one. Theres a certain amount of guilt in your chart but the reasons for this are not yet clear. Conversations today explain all. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The planetary set up is going to be giving you plenty of opportunity to mix with people that you have long wanted to get to know on a more intimate level. This is your time! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Librans hold the key to fun times, but very expensive times too, so make sure you take some extra cash with you today, youre going to need it.  Lifes getting exciting my friend.  Monday, October 24, 2011  You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the Russian Orthodox monastery  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day for a nice nap. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between kidnapped and tortured and wins the lottery. Probably a little of both, I'd guess. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage. The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say bad bush! in a loud stern tone. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be fierce . You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as Frijole-breath before the day is through. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of despot ? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. -- Edited by PMM2008 on Monday 24th of October 2011 07:22:02 AM

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 25th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A fair deal is the only deal you will find that can be of use. If you try to take too big a piece of the pie then youll only find yourself with an empty plate! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You never were a sign to do anything by halves but this time youre taking the biscuit.  If youre not careful youre going to cast yourself in a selfish light, so think before you act. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You should find much pleasure in life at this time but not everyone around you will be sharing your zest for life. Beware jealous faces trying to make you feel bad. Ignore them and dont bite. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Neither your money nor your time seems to be your own. This is because youve allowed a certain person to tell you exactly what you can and cannot do with your life.  Time to take a stand. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Think about who it is you are angry with and dont let friends force you into a showdown when you know it is neither sensible nor just, for the type of person you are dealing with. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have made some loose arrangements that certain people are taking for a promise, so try to let close ones know if you are not going to be able to honour plans, before you fall out. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Love and romance are highlighted and people that you meet in the morning hours are sure to open your eyes to the ways of the world.  Don't however believe all that they say at this time. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Today is likely to leave you feeling a little behind, as everyone else seems to cope with problems that you are having difficulty in overcoming. Working as a team sees you turn an important corner. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You seem to be trying to do several things at once and if you don't slow down and try to use some structure than you will not be able to complete anything. Focus now for success. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You may decide to start your social plans early and if you can find the extra cash you are likely to indulge in some afternoon spending to get you in the mood for fun.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You are able to look at life with a much clearer view now and problems which last month seemed unsolvable should finally show signs of being resolved.  Virgos can help solve family differences. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Someone seems to think you are responsible for all that has gone wrong in their life. It is they who had to make the decisions not you, so step away from this negative and unnecessary influence.  Tuesday, October 25, 2011  Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win. The second law says you can't break even. The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: Who Do You Want To Be Today? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically jiggle a little thingy . While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 26th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You do let your imagination run away with you from time to time, dont you? Its time to come back down to earth, look at things as they are and success will be yours. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Gossip regarding births, pregnancies and new beginnings in your inner circle give you reason to question your life. Where you are going, what you really want and what this last year has really meant to you. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Raise your standards, It would seem that someone from your past is not yet ready to let go of you. With this in mind be careful that you are not absentmindedly leading someone on please. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) An opportunity to show how professional you can be to superiors may mean you giving up some of your spare time for no immediate reward. Do it. It should be the springboard youve been waiting for. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont think that you can use your very persuasive nature to get close ones to see your point of view today. The planets are making the majority of us more stubborn than usual, so beware. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) A family member puts pressure on you and for once you should stand your ground. The planets cast you in a gullible light, which you must not bow down to, even when pushed. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Let go of the monetary worries you are having and try to put your thoughts to ways of increasing your funds instead of worrying so much about what you don't have. Its the only way forward. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You can be sure this is one month where youll find out who are your real friends.  This is a good thing not bad though as events from the today onwards are sure to prove.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The planet Mercury can give you the strength you require to remedy a romantic situation, so use it to your full advantage. Be nice to Sagittarians, they can do much to enhance your career. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Its going to be hard for you to get or give a straight answer to questions asked today. Dont allow yourself to get stressed. Whatever setbacks youre faced with, you can make up for next week. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You dont appear to be feeling as strong as you should but you have more support than you think so dont be afraid to ask those around to take a few responsibilities off of your hands. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The planet Saturn is getting ready to offer you his support in matters youre usually ready to shy away from. From here on in, there is a future worth reaching out for.  Wednesday, October 26, 2011  For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on car rooftop. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware of clams, today. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line... <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites is not likely to be published. But A Bucket Full Of Leeches ? Now that's another story. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will discover a new 5th law of Thermodynamics. The first law says you can't win . The second law says you can't break even . The 5th law, however, says never draw to an inside straight . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it Life In The Details .

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 27th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Temptation is strong and wills are weak. Jupiter makes for an interesting week when therell be many an open mouth from the actions you will all be taking. Just make sure theyre ones youre proud of. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Try to find a more diplomatic way of sorting out the differences that a loved one and you are experiencing. Is what they want such a sacrifice for you to make? Only you can answer this. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Dont be too quick to judge the new faces that are set to come into your life.  There is much to be gained by holding back on your opinions, especially on Leos and Librans. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont mistake a pretty face for a perfect match, when a mixed mind may well be getting in the way of common sense. You need to blow off steam. Talking to friends can achieve this. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Talk through the way you are feeling with a close one or you are going to give them the impression you are acting irrationally. Youve thought about this change for a long time though, havent you? VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You have been spending more and more time with a certain face and its been having a really profound effect on how you view your future. Big decisions loom and youre finally in the driving seat. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your need to be with a certain person sees you travelling out of your way.  You may even have to tell a white lie to do so.  Dont embellish too much, or youll give the game away! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) We all come to the end of our patience and a close one is on the borderline. Say sorry before its too late and so you can get on with the good times on offer. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Someone is trying to rain on your parade. By giving them airtime youre giving their story backing.  Good luck is on your side from today onwards though and the stars back taking chances. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) News of births, pregnancies and new beginnings in your inner circle give you reason to question your life. Where you are going, what you really want and what this last year has really meant to you. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Just because something didnt work out as you thought it would doesnt mean your world comes to a stop.  There are other options and its up to you to find them. You know you can. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your love life is getting more and more confusing by the day but luckily for you there is a touch of humour about all that is occurring.  Dont let down a friend who you know is relying on you this week.  Thursday, October 27, 2011   An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the Big Band theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call Tuba Ensemble. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing... <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a ping sound rather than a pop . That's a bad habit, anyway. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of Village Idiot , in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 28th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You need to do some serious thinking about your work as you are about to reach a crossroads and it is vital that you decide where your priorities really lie. Virgos link to lies. Careful. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Look around you then you should see that you are finally starting to mix with a new and very varied groups of friends. This is just what you wanted last month in fact, but you were unable to get. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Correspondence that you received last month should now start to take effect and much to your advantage too.  Enjoying time with faces from the professional world opens up a new social scene for you. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You seem to have been mixing with a different crowd recently and this has led you to reassess who you are and what you want. Youve realized that you were aiming too low, and youre right. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You know what you have done and you dont even seem to understand why you have done it.  The sooner you sort this out, the sooner you can get on with enjoying your life. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You know you always insist on playing devils advocate so why deny that you are trying to be controversial.  Admitting this can help you find out the real story about recent events. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Financial matters may prove worrying but listen at the options that close ones are offering and dont feel that you have to cope with everything on your own.  Clarity comes with re-reading old paperwork sent. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) If you could stop trying so hard to impress the world then you would soon see that you have already managed to impress the most important person.  Time to admit it dont you think? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Learn your lesson and start to save.  Your dreams can become a reality if you do.  Affairs of the heart look interesting and seem to link in particular to the written word or texts. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you. You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) I am not normally one to advocate games but it may be to your advantage to back off so a certain person may see what they are missing. Phone calls sort out those finances this evening. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Dont mistake a pretty face for a perfect match, when a mixed mind may well be getting in the way of common sense. You need to blow off steam. Talking to friends can achieve this.  Friday, October 28, 2011   Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with l'orange , and you'll have time to slip out the back way. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Deny everything. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as Watson and say things like The game's afoot! . Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile! <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 29th October  ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) I wonder why it is that you have started to let people manipulate you? Is it because you feel you need to bow down to make them feel worthy of you?  It better not be! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Take care of a close one who has gone through more traumas than is fair. Dont force issues though, time is the answer and support not pressure is whats needed from you my friend. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Old contacts save the day both personally and professionally.  Youve come a long way in the last month and youve put in a lot of hard work. Today it all pays off in your favour. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Many of your sign are presently coming out of relationships but dont look back, the future looks good so stand by what you have said.  Talking through problems on this day can also build important bridges. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Recently youve been trying to do so much that you have neglected the little things in your life.  Call close ones and let them know you havent forgotten them. Their response will be reward enough. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Leave the domestic problem that has been worrying you alone or youll inflame an already delicate situation. Treat your life with the respect it deserves and you will start to see the success you crave. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) It is really important that you spend some of your time this week thinking about your career and also about education. It may be worth you taking a step back in order to take two forward. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre talking too much about your love life but then again, your sign always does speak its mind.  Not always to your advantage but Im sure itll make for an interesting week, as youll soon discover. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You dont know all there is to about a close one.  Youve spent so much time recently focused on yourself that youve failed to see their good points and how they can help your current dilemma. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Saturn, the planet of structure, helps you to make sense of your past and choices you make at this time will be a clear mark of how far you have now come in life. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Love can provide you with plenty of fun. A new side to a close one shows that you made the right choice, no matter what obstacles the last month has thrown your way. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Make sure you know where to draw the line between helping close ones and being taken for a fool. You have to have a personal life too or youll miss out on the passion on offer.   Saturday, October 29, 2011  Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded! Yogi Berra  <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like Arrrr. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 30th October   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Accidents and mix-ups that take place over the coming days turn into blessings in disguise and could, in fact, lead to love and romance for many of you. New beginnings and fresh starts finally beckon. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Stop trying to run before you can walk.  If you try to jump ahead of yourself you will only end up losing time and making yourself look amateur.  Don't be afraid to ask questions today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A naughty streak could see you flirting with disaster tonight but dont talk too loudly; more people than you think are watching you. Saying what you really want can be met by surprise approval. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This is the perfect time to start any long term projects you have been mulling over. You are currently laying the foundations for some really important issues and life should start to feel really good again. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Someone you did not think youd get on with is about to prove how wrong you were.  You were too busy thinking about what was going wrong to take note of all that was going right. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) If you could stop worrying about what other people think and ask yourself what and who would make you happy then youd have your answer. Honesty is your new best friend. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont be afraid to take chances in love. What you have wanted all along can be yours, if youre willing to raise the stakes. Leos hold the key to an intriguing new path in your career. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) An opportunity waits to try your hand at a new career.  Go for your dreams.  You are full of energy and anything you venture into is likely to prove a success, especially if it involves a Taurean. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You're likely to find it hard to keep your hand in your pocket as a purchase you've been dreaming about becomes impossible to resist any longer.  Just make sure it's your own money you're spending, not that of others. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) If you don't include close ones in the current events affecting your life they'll start to shut you out of theirs.  Even if they don't approve at least you'll have been straight with them. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) What do you deserve out of life? Is it the best or second best? If you think its the latter then you need a wake up call as youre missing out on experiencing what you deserve. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) I wonder why it is that you have started to let people manipulate you. Is it because you feel you need to bow down to feel worthy of them?  It better not be!  Sunday, October 30, 2011   When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd ping! sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Beware of poltergeists, today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose , told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 1st November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Expect the unexpected and prepare to be surprised by the words of a close one.  Dont stress, theyre sure to be the kind that will bring a very pleasant smile to your face after 3pm.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your family are proving difficult and complex to deal with at the moment and you may be best to distance yourself from them until they sort things out, as it appears youre not actually directly involved. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre not feeling your usual organized self and you could find you have to rely on others to finish what you started. Use this day to work out the best person for the job. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) With the current line up you can be sure that youll be one of the signs who will be laying their heart on the line in matters of both a personal and professional nature.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Make more of an effort with that face who recently entered a friends life. Its all very well saying that you dont like them but you dont appear to have any valid reasoning behind your words.  VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) There is a lot more harmony about today. You no longer have so many barriers up and you are beginning to feel more confident about who you are and where you are going. About time too. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There is a strange feeling over you at this time. You know change is coming but youre not sure what kind. The good kind I can assure you, but one which also needs structure. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre full of life arent you? And you dont know what to do with it all apart from to make mischief. Caution, remember you are also the one who will have to clean it all up. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Success is yours if you can nip that bad habit in the bud. You know you like to live life on the edge, but dont be a fool, not when youre so close to your dreams. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) With the current line up you should at last start to feel the benefit of recent changes.  The last few days have left you with little time and energy but this is your time, so enjoy. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dream options come your way at last, but require you to break a few boundaries. Just remember that if you think you can, you will, and if you think you cant, you wont. Positive mental attitude! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You do let your imagination run away with you from time to time, dont you? Its time to come back down to earth and to look at things as they are and success will be yours.  Tuesday, November 01, 2011   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a puka , which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to never look a gift horse in either end . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you're walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase...turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 2nd November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont irritate your close ones by digging your heels in so much. This is unlike you and its obvious to me that there are deeper issues you need to be talking about with someone else first. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your need to wear your heart on your sleeve often makes it hard for you not to get hurt. Now you can afford to be honest as youre about to find out you have equal standing. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Venus has been helping cupid to fire an arrow straight into your heart and it is obviously making you talk gibberish. Youre lucky though as asking direct questions tonight brings good news and long term plans. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Saturn is trying to teach you lessons, but you seem to be more intent on getting involved in everyone elses problems. Could this be because the truth hurts? It wont if you listen to todays facts. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You want so much excitement that you dont care if there is a bit of danger thrown in for good measure. You have powerful and impulsive feelings. Know how far to go. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Your need to blow off some steam could see you going into the red unnecessarily.  Money can only go so far though, so try to put in some thought before you hand over that card today. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Deeper characters are emerging around you in your life and both you and your close ones have changed in so many ways this past month. The drama which made this happen further unfolds today. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre making more effort in the home and it hasnt gone unnoticed. If you feel happy, your close ones will feel happy and life will start to take on the style that you had originally intended. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Legal links are indicated, but it seems that you have not really done all of your homework. Make sure youre not playing with fire; there may be better routes to go down than this one. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) The Sun is bringing out your talkative side and you may be tempted to reveal secrets, which are not yours to give away.  Take your time when dealing with financial issues. Pay for a professional opinion if you can. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Irritations with certain of your family members and a complicated family set up could all see arguments arising today. Be careful of saying things you will come to regret. A day to bite your lip. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve been living in the past. You seem to need to make sense of what happened in order to work out where you should go. Offers via text present an alternative view, and a successful one.  Wednesday, November 02, 2011   A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. Abba Eban    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Dorothy Parker once said if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be strictly bass . One must have standards, after all. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying no ? Sheesh. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a weapon of incredible range and power . You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it Ze Bra .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 3rd November ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Take a step back and look at the bigger picture in your life. You are jealous of someone whose life you would not want for your own anyway. Eyes forward, live your own life. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) The planet Saturn brings the structure needed to a situation over which you were just about to throw the towel. Dont make matters worse by telling tales. Let sleeping dogs lie to ensure success. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Your need to know other peoples business could see you getting into a lot of trouble. You think you have the right but you should be concentrating on your own life. Its essential you do so today. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You seem upset that youve been let down by someone you really thought you liked. What you have to realise though is that you were, and still are, too good for them, and they know this. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Try experimenting for a change. This is a good day for unusual activities and new methods of doing things. Run-ins with faces from your past can fill in some really important missing facts for you. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Dont let those you work with, bully you into taking on a responsibility that will make you miserable. You have rights too you know. Asserting your true position very politely is your key. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Family is placing more than a few demands on you and you may find yourself exhausted as the last few weeks changes take their toll.  As one door closes, another is about to open. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A new flirtation comes with a price so think carefully before embarking on it please.  A change in your work may seem like a problem but is a blessing in disguise, as time will soon prove to you. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youve entered a time of great learning and you must use it to your advantage.  Dont be cruel to the younger generation who are going to be leaving themselves open to criticism of their actions. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You find yourself thinking of the past more than usual, and some of you may even be tempted to call up a face you cant get out of your mind.  Expect to hear surprises if you do.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Take it slowly as far as romance is concerned or you could frighten the person away. You are going to have to try and build up some trust and understanding if you want a solid relationship. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Travel plans beckon but theyre not exactly what you had in mind. Why not allow yourself to be led for a change? Its the only way youll get to see what that certain someones really like.  Thursday, November 03, 2011   Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a stiff upper lip. Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- pinky -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone will ask How are you? for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarrassingly intimate is usually best. Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing... <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 5th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) It is all very well saying that you think you are right but have you really sat down and thought about how the other persons feeling?  Cast your mind back to your master plan.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A much more flirtatious side to your nature is emerging which could well see you crossing the line with other peoples partners. Careful, make sure you know how far is too far to go. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You have work to complete, so get on with it or youll only add guilt to this already heavy load you are carrying.  Double check cash exchanges before twelve, for them to go in your favour. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Time spent with new faces in the workplace begin a new friendship which should prove central for years and not just months to come.  Dont clash with fellow Cancerians, they know more than you think. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Youre bragging about things you would be better to keep quiet over. Time is your new best friend so lie low until you can find out what the implications of speaking out would be. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Saturn is helping you to keep your life under the control youve been wanting but so far have not been able to get.  Stay away today though from people and places you know can lead you astray. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) New talents and gifts are emerging within you and you find yourself looking to others for answers as to what you should do. Dont! Only you can know what will make you happy. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A certain person has gone out of their way to help you and youve done everything possible not to show gratitude. This is your last chance to do so though, so make sure you do. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youve stopped communicating in love. If youre honest youll admit that you were the one who first put up walls. Write down how you feel. Its the first step towards getting back what you had. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Be prepared for some criticism from friends who dont understand your very emotional actions.  Lost items can be found in a friends home or car.  They hold the key to you uncovering an important secret too. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Some intense aspects should put some really interesting twists and turns in your life and should help you to develop as a person too. Youre growing in so many ways. Go with it! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You dont seem to be able to motivate yourself to do all that youd planned with friends. Maybe if you took time out to make that call or text then youd feel like it, dont you think?  Saturday, November 05, 2011   I is a college student.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.) <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on Mosey Your Way To Fitness , a best-selling self-help book on the topic. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things taste like chicken . It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection Yo Mama By The River . <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call Bubba-Bonics .  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 6th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This may well be a day when you have to choose between family and friends. They say that blood is thicker than water but mixed emotions show youre not sure. Sleep on it, answers come tomorrow. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Its been an unpredictable time for you recently. You are, however, enjoying great acceptance of who you are right now and this confidence is about to attract an important new figure into your life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Be nice to a new face who appears in your life now. Theyll help you in more ways than you could imagine to make your life a better and more manageable place to be. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Only you can decide if you let that secret youre keeping out of the bag or not, so stop asking friends and family. Neptune has a message in your dreams for you, listen to it. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Exciting and alternative offers come your way of both a personal and professional nature. Guard against any displays of bad temper today, they can only come back on you, my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You can give your all to what you have committed to, or you can back peddle and deal with the mess you know will ensue. Confidence can work miracles, so hold that head up high. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Visitors from far away put the spring back in your step and youll find yourself talking about the past again more than usual.  Dont forget to pay some money out by the end of the day. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youve come to a bit of a stumbling block in your career.  Just what you should do seems to be as much of a dilemma as the problem itself.  Ensure you, and not others choose, my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You have waited a long time for these opportunities. Make sure you keep your eyes on the future and not the past, particularly around lunchtime when the stars offer you the chance to change your future. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Things are far more serious than you may first think right now, and tact can do much to keep your reputation a favourable one.  Proposals or splits that occur right now are meant to be. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You have had your head in the clouds for long enough now, and its time to bring yourself back down to earth. Why? Because whats now on offer has never previously been a choice. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Family wants something from you that you cannot and will not give. Youre going to have to tell them this before you leave them with no alternative but to force you. That means now.  Sunday, November 06, 2011   There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Shakespeare    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You've heard that when economists use the word nice , they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is like, totally kewl. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, Giggles. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a weapon of incredible range and power. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage . The best reply to this is Huh? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you'll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop rescuing babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 7th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youve been acting out of character recently, and you know it. Why not try talking about what and who is really on your mind. This is your day to find answers and closure if you do. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Something new is starting in your life and its imperative that you work on creating a good and lasting base.  Time spent with a Pisces can fill in many missing blanks about last weeks dramas. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You know that when you want something you go all out to get it. Nothing will stop you when you put your mind to it. Today you prove this very fact to friends and family. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Education calls out to you. Youre trying to ignore it. Dont. Its set to take your career and finances up to a whole new level. Aries tell lies, get proof before acting on what they say. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your sensitive nature and soul is one which has earned you much respect from those in your life.  Today you need some support and today you find out which signs are your true friends and allies. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Sometimes in life you have to do what feels right, instead of what looks right. This is one of those days. Dont surround yourself with people you know bring you down. Youre better than that. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your imagination gets the better of you; so keep a slow pace if you want to ensure you come out of this week with your reputation intact. Romantic offers shock and surprise you. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Youre not being selfish; you just have a lot on your plate which needs attention.  Explaining this to close ones can go a long way to you both finding common ground again. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont let confidence turn to arrogance; it cannot benefit you.  You finally start to make arrangements for all and sundry, so that you may make the changes that have been on your mind recently.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont say things just to get a reaction.  You may be looking for a drama but you could see a crisis instead if you dont start to put some thought into what youre saying. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Only you can decide if you let that secret youre keeping out of the bag, so stop asking friends and stop asking family. Neptune has a message in your dreams for you, listen to it. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You know when you have the feeling that someone is talking about you behind your back? Well youre right, they are. But in a good way, as phone calls and texts are about to confirm.  Monday, November 07, 2011   I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special. --Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will notice an odd stone egg in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a stiff upper lip . Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip . Sounds like party attire to me! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually wrestled a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Benjamin Franklin said: If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, nothing will play a very large part in your future.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 8th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) This week has been a little more uncertain than you would really like hasnt it? Youre still waiting to hear an answer about something or someone that has been subject to a series of delays. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Do not play games in love or youre going to get your fingers burnt. There has to come a point when you say what you really what and how you really feel, doesnt there? GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) A work matter is taking up more time than a close one likes.  Give them some time; dont push too hard and they should come round. New faces flirtations are more serious than you realise. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have not been giving your work your all, as your mind seems to be on everything but. This may seem very strange to close ones that are usually only used to seeing you fully focused.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) If you are looking for an honest answer from friends about life, then you will get it. If you dont want to know the facts, dont ask, but I think you have guessed the truth already. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You may want to let down friends you know youve no intention of meeting, sooner rather than later. If, that is, you want to avoid the sharp end of their tongue.  Passion replaces anger later tonight. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) The chance to go somewhere different may prove more costly than youd bargained for this week, so try to be prepared. An alternative evening should make for an enjoyable romantic encounter that doesnt cost a penny. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Current activity in our skies is going to be turning your attentions to personal matters.  This is a time when you will be making decisions for you and you alone.  About time too, so enjoy. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your money seems to go out with great speed recently, but you are set for improvement. Mars knows you need some quick changes and if you listen to your instincts after 3pm you can find them. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You really love it when a plan comes together and with the way the relationship sector of your chart is looking this time is no different. Just dont let loose talk tonight undo all youve achieved. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Fresh new ways to get on with family make for a memorable period as you prove how able you are to adapt. Youve proven youre the grown up. You should be proud how far youve come. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You are trying hard to have respect for close ones. However, their recent actions have made it hard for you to contain your anger.  Listening, and not talking today can fill in important missing facts.  Tuesday, November 08, 2011   It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king. -- Erasmus (c1465-1536)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that breathes. Or, in this case, wheezes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter Much bad juju , and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 9th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Your emotions are highlighted and you are not sure if you are in control of your life or not. You are, all you have to do is admit what you want. Weve already guessed! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) New work projects beckon for you and you begin to get ideas which you had previously not considered an option.  An invitation from a face from your past is set to make your week. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) I know you feel as if most people around you havent got a clue about how much you have been going through, but help is on hand. Reach out. Use today to talk things through successfully. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre going to experience some subtle yet interesting changes which can really help to boost your image. Youve been feeling down, but today you turn a corner and life and love start to finally take shape. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Let sleeping dogs lie and dont push an already volatile matter in the workplace my friend.  All you will do is push the person concerned to do and say things that they will regret.  VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Try to show your family a little support instead of criticising them as you have been.  Youll be amazed at what wonders it can work.  Making phone calls at lunchtime can save you money and reputation.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Your sign often finds change hard but upcoming events require you to jump in at the deep end.  Dont let your close ones down with the arrangements you have made, someones relying on you.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Close ones are finding it rather hard to act naturally around you.  You may be far better to take the initiative to meet up with them, so they know theyre welcome rather than feeling theyre imposing.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youve spent so much of your time dreaming about the new life that may soon be yours.  Make sure you act the professional today when some sort of bonus could be yours with ease. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You appear to be running late work wise. This may be due to the new and improved air your love life has taken on of late.  Returning phone calls this afternoon can save you reputation and money. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) An interesting offer comes your way for tonight and if I were you I would grab it with both hands Aquarius, as it wont come round again. Confusion in the workplace can lead you to a promotion. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Time spent with new faces this week opens up a whole new world of opportunity. It also proves how much a certain person has been using you over the last few days and weeks too.  Wednesday, November 09, 2011   The great thing about this jungle of ours is that anyone of you could grow up to be Lord of the apes Gary Larson    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm. You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to go around nudging people. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A tomato features in today's cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn't everything. It could well be that you'd be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that's virtually certain. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid . And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course.  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 10th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Make sure you dont tell others secrets today. Remember what they say about people in glass houses. Youre going to need support yourself when you hear how wonderfully dramatic a change is approaching. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont let people down with arrangements for today or tonight. You may not realise it, but theyve gone to far more trouble than you thought.  New faces are likely to be there, and compatible ones too. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre so good at knowing what other people should do with their lives, but youre far too involved with your own to make confident decisions. Step back, the answer is staring you in the face. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Approach romance with honesty or you could miss out on hearing the words someone is planning on telling you.  Pride has stopped you from speaking your mind, but today offers you the chance to change that. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may be feeling left out of a work matter that is taking place, but stay professional, your time will come far sooner than you think.  If, that is, you can maintain a professional attitude. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Try to use caution when talking about your financial affairs.  What you see as needed funds, your close ones may see as their funds to use.  Mercury offers communication; make sure you use it today.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Use your time with the older generation wisely today. They may well show you the path you have been looking for.  What you wanted was before you all the time, as youre about to discover.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) You are handed the gift of clear vision and should be able to see the things that have been a hindrance to your life.  A certain face could well be in for a shock then. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) There is much inner harmony thats reflected in your relationships with others at this time and you should find good cooperation from your loved ones as there if finally at long last, mutual understanding. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont take decisions a close one has made too personally. We all have dreams and it is time that you started to focus your mind on what you really want, rather than on everyone else. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Scorpios hold the key to what could become one of the most important relationships of your life. Your day-to-day living is changing; ensure you shape it, while you have the power to do so. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The need to make your mark in the professional world could see you travelling out of your way.  You may even give up your personal time to do so. The rewards are worth every effort.  Thursday, November 10, 2011   Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. George Carlin, Comedian, As Hippy Dippy Weatherman    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS?? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Ian McHarg once said, Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth. You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: So?  

 

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Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 11th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont be played for a fool. Youre going out of your way for people who wouldnt do the same for you and its time to set some standards, so that you are treated as an equal. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Be careful with your words when talking to family members about money. A flippant attitude will not put you in good stead for their support in future financial outlays. Manners earn brownie points, use them. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You cant comprehend what a loved one means by the actions they have recently taken.  All can be explained if you try not to judge them too soon. Confidence you show in them can bring answers. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A far more independent feel to your life must not make you feel as if you are alone.  Its only a temporary phase so try to ride it out and show others how very capable you are. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Friends will only try so many times to help before they give up.  Its time to start to act with a little pride before you cast yourself in an unfair light.  Romance beckons if you do! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) I know youve not been feeling as confident about your life as you should be. Thats all about to change through Virgo, starting now. All you have to do is try and youll see you can succeed. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You can say you dont care for a certain someone, your chart shows otherwise. However its a braver person who lays their heart on the line than one who pretends they do not feel any emotion. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Fun can be found with the younger generation and could involve a new baby that a family member or friend has brought to the world. The written word completed today can help you change your career. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) What is today about for you? Emotional stability and calm. Tempered reactions and responses. Its about good relations with the people closest to you and getting a better understanding of where youre all headed. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre getting mixed signals from someone you like and its making it hard for you to know what to say or do next. Nothing, thats the whole point. Its their move, so stop being impatient. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youre about to find out the heavens have great plans for you. The Moon wants you to delve into your true feelings and if you can admit what you want, hell help you get it. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The planet Mars brings stimulation and excitement your way and meetings around this time should prove successful and are sure to do much to boost your ego. Dress to impress today.  Friday, November 11, 2011   In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is worm farming. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named Brutus , it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective... <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will tell you that you run funny . Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.) <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours The Federation Starship Intrepid . And always do that little two-finger wave and say engage , when you start off, of course. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Deny everything. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.