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Daily Horoscopes....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVED GAMBLING FORUM POSTS' started by omeg, Sep 22, 2010.

  1. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 12th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Certain people that you meet may accuse you of being a little crazy. I call it imaginative and inventive. Just dont tell blatant lies to those around you today, or youll undo recent good efforts you have made. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont get involved in arguments you know can only hinder, and not help, your career. Its time for you to make your mind up about which direction you really want your career to go in. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) It seems a close one is saying one thing, doing another. Make sure all confrontations are calm ones on your part, its sure to give you the upper hand later. Wear turquoise for luck in love. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You have so many talents and assets and yet you only seem to be able to notice your weak points.   Remember what you wanted to do and not just what others have told you to do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Dont turn down an offer of a night out this week. It should turn out to be just what the doctor ordered after the month you have had.  Romance comes from letting down those defences. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The stars line up to offer you fun, mystery and seduction. Whatever will you decide to do? Just make sure you go for the one you will still be smiling over this time next month. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Someone has romance on their mind if youre willing.  You still need time after last month to work out what and who really makes you happy. Dont be rushed, time is on your side, use it. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) This is indeed set to be a month of revelations for you, my friend. Someone you thought did not care proves the exact opposite. How you handle this information can change the course of your future. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont make life difficult for the new face whos entered a close ones life. After all, why would they bring them into your life if they didnt value them?  Give them the fair trial they deserve. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) It would appear a certain friend is affecting the way you act and it is time to take a stand. The best advice comes your way via a Leo, who knows more than youd thought. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont think that you have to commit to plans. You know you like to be able to feel comfortable and the majority of you would rather stay in and reflect than go out at this time. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You must try not to judge the new faces that you meet this week in too harsh a manner. It would seem that they mean far more to your close ones than you could possibly imagine.  Saturday, November 12, 2011   Could you like to ride on your own ass? Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You'll find more, and very interesting , uses for cocktail umbrellas today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's How To Get Noticed. ) <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce this is a Stick Up! . Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of Titanic II . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.  
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  2. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 13th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Trouble brings experience and experience brings wisdom. I know you may think all that has recently transpired is a setback, but you were wrong and events from today onwards prove this very point to you. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You should find it hard to even think about the work problems that were affecting your life and rightly so. Trust in the planets and all will go according to your original plan. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You dont seem happy with the actions a close ones been taking. However you gave them the advice.  All that theyre doing is taking it. You must learn not to say things you do not mean. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You dont do anything by halves, which is why the events that are about to transpire will cause a lot of attention around you.  Dont worry though, as Saturn is on hand for structure and success. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your feelings may be aroused or provoked now by someone new.  Dont rush things or youll ruin what should and could be an amazing experience for you and for them. This could be the real thing! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) New developments in your work should slowly but surely make it easier for you to shape your week, as you desire.  Take advantage so that you can finally plan your week as you desire.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Close ones are going to be using emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want this week. Stand your ground, or you will start off a cycle of emotional blackmail you cannot end. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) People judged you on how things seemed from the outside. This has made it hard for you to have faith in what you are doing. Time will prove you are the winner, so stay on track. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Family only want whats best for you.  The sooner you realise this, the sooner youll start to work together and the quicker life will start to work in your favour.  Leos bring luck your way.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre very good at picking up things about people when left to your own devices, but so-called friends have been planting seeds of doubt in your mind about a face that would actually be an asset.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Be warned, spreading any more rumours will come back on you.  You would be far better to deal with the personal issue youve so far done a good job of sweeping under the carpet Aquarius. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) The Moon tonight will be making sure that we all look and feel at our best. Changes we make now are set to put us on a much better path.  Sunday, November 13, 2011   Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Bring extra. You'll need it. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word diaper. Don't know why. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Confucius said Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life. Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never worked a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies dour . The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg? <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You should look into some of that new dream interpretation software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
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  3. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 14th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Friends are now looking at you from a new perspective as you have taken on a new and more confident stance about life and love.  Overseas links offer you an exciting new career path.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your feelings for the younger people in your life have been growing stronger by the day, as youve gone through some sort of an experience together which has brought you closer than ever before. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Make sure you dont shut out the current faces you are doing business with, or you could rock the boat and ruin the very good base you have spent the last month building.   Communication is everything.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Many of the signs are asking questions with an ulterior motive, trying to find out what really went on over the last few days.  Be careful what you say.  Lives are at stake here.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your house of work is set for dramatic changes.  Its taken you a while to get to where you are, but keep sight of where youre going. Youre in the driving seat, you just dont know it. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Watch out for faces from your past trying to use emotional blackmail to work their way back into your life. Youre bigger and stronger now and you must not let anyone convince you otherwise. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Try to be more understanding with older faces around you.  You can really help them.  You have an awful lot of strong characters around, but if you take control they are sure to follow your lead.  SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Happy times link to an old face you know you should get back in contact with.   Youre out of that slow lane now, and life and love start to take on a whole new meaning.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Your sign often finds answers from people they know well, and what you can learn from this last month is how right you were to follow your instincts.  Wear blue for power in financial confrontations today.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Changes in work are in the stars but the current line up hasnt kept your judgement at its best so keep your pace a nice slow and steady one.  Phone calls bring you appealing alternative choices. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) There is nothing better for you than having your nearest and dearest all gathered round. It would seem though that there is some news for you to uncover that will be a surprise, even to you. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You cant make an omelette without breaking eggs.   What you are going through at the moment may be a lot of hard work and stressful, but will eventually lead to the happiness you seek, so persevere.  Monday, November 14, 2011   When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- From Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk in _Life In Hell_ by Matt Groening    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant , except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with Ever . Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.  
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  4. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 15th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Keep your nose clean in business this week and dont let easy but corrupt shortcuts tempt you.  It is only by playing things by the book that you will ever get the respect that you crave.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Finances look really good for the future so plan your new directions.  I can assure you the planets will support you every step of the way, as will a family member you didnt expect. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Teamwork is essential if youre to be happy.  It is a skill from which both you and your loved ones can benefit today.  Dont tell tales on family, it will come back on you if you do.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) If you can clear your mind of silly thoughts and think instead of the big events that are taking place in your life then youll find yourself being offered that invitation you cant stop thinking about. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A friend that you havent been able to see eye to eye with recently is going to be doing all they can to tell you their side of the story. Listen closer; theyre on your side! VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Big times are waiting for you in your career if youre willing to take the bull by the horns and to speak as you find to those who hold the power. Communication is everything, use it. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You find yourself thinking about what you really want from the person who has so obviously stolen your heart.  You want answers, and this week sees you asking for them in a most direct fashion indeed. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A lack of energy could see you missing out on romance so be prepared and arrange your week accordingly.  Dont lie to Leos, they can see straight through you. Being truthful earns respect and success. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A surge of energy sees you going somewhere you know close ones wont agree with, but you dont seem to be able to keep away.  The question is, are you willing to stand by your actions? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Use old work contacts to find out some information on a new opening which could cause you to change the direction you are going in with your future and appears to link to forward thinking Aquarians. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Forewarned is forearmed.  Dont ignore what you know in your heart to be true. The next chapter of your life is waiting to be enjoyed so stop living in the past and start enjoying your future. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Work proves hard, but leaves you feeling extremely satisfied, if you can concentrate on the issues at hand.  Too many opinions on a work matter are making it hard for you to trust your better judgement. Caution.  Tuesday, November 15, 2011   Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. -- Will Rogers    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say To Friends, Old and New! ) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it hubcaps. This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.  
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  5. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 16th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Time spent with your close ones helps you to realise that youve come a long way already this year. You have not been trusting your instincts and you should, they wont let you down. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youre talking for the sake of it today and so, youre in danger of revealing some secrets which are not actually yours to share.  Children bring good news, albeit very surprising. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You may have thought that your actions over the last few days and weeks have been subtle but you could not be more wrong.  Be prepared to stand up for what or whom youve chosen. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) This is sure to be the kind of day that will prove memorable. Just make sure you wait for others to talk before you. Youre likely to be in for a pleasant surprise if you do. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Taking the time to ensure that a work project is tied up, can help you shine in front of the faces that matter. Paying to go the proper route in business is also your key today. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) First impressions count for far more than you can imagine today. Make sure you focus on all of the positive points of today. Doing so can earn you the friend, or even lover, of a lifetime. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont judge a book by its cover. Leave any opinions you may feel like casting until youve seen what tonights very dramatic line up is intent on showing you. Youll be pleasantly surprised if you do. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your mind is astute and your thinking is clear, and this would be a good day to do some thinking about your future. Youre sure to find clarity and answers. Flirtations turn serious after 5pm. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Do you give that someone a second chance? Can they change? Aspects indicate you know exactly what youd be getting if you went down that road again. Eyes need to be on future, not past. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Maybe it is just the thought of change itself that is scaring you. Think things through properly this week before answering.  Communication offers clarity and peace of mind. Phone calls can make you money today. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) An absent frame of mind could see you losing important possessions or documents. Write a list of the important things you need to do. Its the key to you staying on top of your plans today. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) This is a really good time to try out some new skills. There are so many opportunities open to you this month. All you have to do is dare to dream and dare to be different.  Wednesday, November 16, 2011   The reason that we have been losing is because we haven't been winning.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs! , you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where there is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Your next fortune cookie will say See? We told you it taste like chicken! <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) You dumped the body WHERE?. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live . But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die . Or something. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day for a nice nap. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You, for one, have just about had it with all this Globalization . Time to go on a diet!  
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  6. omeg

    omeg NEW MEMBER

    Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 17th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Decisions, decisions, decisions. What will you do now? Not even you know, but phone calls you both make and receive on this day will give you a clear indication of what should be done. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Fresh new ways to get on with your close ones make for a refreshing week. You thought you could not get over a certain problem but you were wrong and events today should prove this fact. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Try to find a more diplomatic way of sorting out the differences that a loved one and you are experiencing. Is what they want such a sacrifice for you to make? Only you can answer this. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) We all come to the end of our patience and a close one is on the borderline so say sorry before its too late and so you can get on with the good times on offer. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You have matured so much in recent months and things that before held no appeal to you now bring you much satisfaction.  Some of you should find romance this evening in a most unexpected form and place. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The home comes under the spotlight, and you may find yourself having to throw some sort of a celebration or perhaps an early festive gathering.  Life is fun and youre finally relaxing and actually living life again. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Temptation is strong and wills are weak. Jupiter makes for an interesting week when therell be many an open mouth from the actions you will all be taking. Just make sure theyre ones youre proud of. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont be surprised if friends and family comment on how much youve changed recently and before you panic, its for the better, not the worse. Have confidence. Youre on track and you need to know it! SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You seem to be having problems dealing with a younger person in your life. Give them some space and time to show you what theyre trying to achieve and they may just pleasantly surprise you.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Practical plans are the only way youre going to be able to achieve your dreams. Even your day to day living could do with a rethink.  Start planning. I know you have the answers. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You must spend this time getting organized and conserving your resources. I also want you to accept challenges in the home and your family life that youd usually run from. Youll soon discover why. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youre not dealing with a personal issue very well and aspects suggest you are working more from a personal vendetta than from anything else. Step back and look at the bigger picture please.  Thursday, November 17, 2011   Carpe ovum - sieze the egg    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of Villiage Idiot , in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior , and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy, you'll say, and why don't they just lock him up? <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is Svlad . It's something to do.) <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow orker . <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 18th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) I know you have not been feeling as strong as you should. I also know youve taken on not just your own worries, but those of a close one too. Delegate, theres more than just you responsible for current dramas. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You dont like the way a situation in your lifes being handled and youre not sure how to take back control of it.  Talking to those involved is your answer. Find the confidence to try today. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Throwaway comments turn into gossip. You need to work out how much dirty laundry of your own you have to air, before you start repeating what youre going to hear, dont you think? CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) The Sun favours sorting out delicate home issues. You find yourself willing to get into the spirit of forgiving.  You realise your energies are better spent on enjoying life instead of arguing, and the fun begins. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Career issues have been getting you down recently, but the invites you are going to get through work wont. In fact, fun is written in your stars as you start to see the positive from here on in. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) The very person you have not been getting on with is actually the person you have the most in common with. Use this week to make amends, and watch a very beautiful friendship begin. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Phone calls and texts that you both send and receive, can help you to make your life all that you desire. Friends need your supportive nature with a personal drama. Listen when they talk. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Exciting and unusual invitations come your way, and you should find that your eyes are opened to what an interesting place the new world youve entered can be. Romantic invites tonight are the icing on the cake. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Close ones are trying to talk you into doing something that you dont want to. Youre worried. Why should you be? Youve never done anything your heart wasnt in, so why change the habit of a lifetime? CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Youre living in the past and its time to stop doing so. Embrace the future. Friends want to show you a good time, so accept those invites. Its sure to put a smile on your face. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Youve been there so much for close ones, and theyre ready to give back. Dont be afraid of sitting back and let others do the hard work for a change.. You deserve it. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Please try not to show your jealousy when a loved one gives precedence to something over you. By showing your support and not criticism, youll soon find the thanks and appreciation youre looking for.  Friday, November 18, 2011   A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named Yeomen of the Carbuncle , although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called Yeopersons of the Carbuncle. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the normal fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: My Darling Snookums:. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. It's not just for weddings any more, you'll say. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the Millenium Falcon. My passengers often become irritated at being called Chewie , though. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is Help! Help! <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Good day to mumble.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 19th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You may have hurt someones feelings, but surely its better to tell the truth, than it is to keep them hanging on? Time spent with a Gemini can tie up a past issue on your mind. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You have to let your close ones make their own mistakes. If not, you will find that you are the one who gets the blame. Besides, you should be concentrating on that exciting career opportunity pending. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youre the centre of attention tonight. You finally look back at your life and realise how far youve come. Dont try and force family to do what they dont want. Going with the flow is essential. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your love life is getting more and more confusing by the day but, luckily for you, there is a touch of humour about all that is occurring.  Dont let down a friend who you know is relying on you this week. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Family come before friends today, and you finally get to find out what all of the rumours were really about, as close ones come clean about what they have been up to. Clarity and closeness reign. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youve allowed yourself to get involved in a situation, which doesnt make you happy and which you dont feel you can easily get out of. Stand tall. Saturn is behind you to make that change, now. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Youre under really lucky influences, which make romance a priority. You may have to put family to one side in order to fulfil your own needs. Dont tell lies, your face is telling more than you realise. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Dont turn down the opportunity to sit down and talk to loved ones about where you see yourself in time to come. If they dont know then they cannot help you when the time comes. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You know it's all very well making promises but it's another thing following through what you have vowed. If you let them down this time they may not give you a second chance, so stay alert. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Time, spent with someone from the past, can help you re-evaluate who you are and where youre going. Contracts are well starred, and hold the key to you taking the next step up the career ladder. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Teaching and education come under the spotlight, and if you are thinking of going into any sort of study, then you need to know that you have the power of the stars behind you, my friend. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Youve been there for your family and theyve been there for you. The only problem now is that youve both got priorities elsewhere. Communicate if you want understanding, its the only way for a positive outcome.  Saturday, November 19, 2011   Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth will only cause people to stare at you in confusion. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd). <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've traded down . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Your slogan for the week should be Carpe Diem , or Seize the Day! . Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose , told from the point of view of your cat, Erik. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don't act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it's embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It's hard to pretend they're just spraying for roaches... <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up! .  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 20th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Youve not been as forthcoming with the truth about certain matters as you should. If youre not careful it is going to come back on you. Time to back down then and re-think your gameplan. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) If someone doesnt like you, of course it affects you. If however, it stops you from feeling happy then you need to realise the fact that they obviously dont really know you. Accept this fact. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Stick to the promises you have made please. Close ones are counting on you more than you realise. A fresh start to an old work project can offer you the success I know you desire. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont judge a book by its cover. Nothing is what it seems today, and you would be far better to sleep on any important decisions which you have to make. Wear red for power in love. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You think you cant do well, but you can. Life is waiting for you. Go out there and grab the opportunities which are fated for you. Phone calls offer fun and mischief. Make sure you accept them. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youre not being fair to yourself. You have set yourself an unreasonable time limit to succeed in what you want to do. By having a more realistic attitude, you can make all your dreams come true. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont rely on others to pass on messages for you in love. If you want to let someone know how you feel then tell them yourself, or you could be in danger of missing out altogether. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Your quick thinking has allowed you to save a relationship, but dont ruin things this week by telling all and sundry of your actions.  If you do then youll only end up undoing your good work. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You find it hard to fulfill the many plans you have made for this week. The reasons for this my friend, are that you seem to be paying for many of the faces in your life. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Dont think that a close one is neglecting you, they have some major changes that are taking place in their career and your support really is essential to their confidence and success. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The planet Venus makes emotions overtake common sense at times.  Dont judge new situations just on old ones. The people involved couldnt be more different if they tried.  You know this deep down inside. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Just when you thought life couldnt get any more confusing, the past comes back to make you question what youve only just decided.  Dont worry. Events this week give you all the answers youll ever need.  Sunday, November 20, 2011   We aim to please ... You aim too, please. written on a bathroom on route 66 contributed by Thomas J. Walkup III    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like Arrrr . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression hideously deformed may not be as neutral as you believe. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Beware of iguanas, today. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 21st November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Dont think you can guess the next move of those you work with. You would be far better to stick to your original game plan. Making guesses can only leave you looking and feeling the fool. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Your ruling planet helps you work out whats been going on in a younger persons life and you finally work out how you can get back on track. Careful with your sums, get a second opinion. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Some unbelievable news reaches you from an unexpected source. Make sure you tell those who need to know first or you could be accused of unfair favouritism, my friend. Read all mail and reply immediately. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Your need to play games in love could see you ending up with egg on your face. Tell it like it is. You wont believe what can happen if you stick to the truth today. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Its time to distance yourself from the person you know has only been a negative influence on you recently. A test of some sort is headed your way in love. Honesty is the key to success. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) One of your major problems has been working out what you should do to make a loved one feel more settled. Relax; this is the day many of the signs find their feet on their own. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) All is about to be revealed regarding something which you have been curious about for some time.  Take your time when dealing with paperwork today. It is more important than you could imagine, my friend. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) A major expense may seem like a problem initially but with the change of long-term life style it can offer it is sure to be worth any sacrifice.  Proof of this comes today my friend. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You appear to be getting ready for something mentally, if not physically as well.  You know life is about to experience something big and youve never been more ready for it, trust me. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) If you can put your inhibitions to one side then you can find several new friends who are sure to enhance your working and personal life. Take chances and anything will be possible! AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You have been so busy looking at the faces who are not free that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you.  Returning texts today can give you a clue. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Why is it that you always insist on a challenge?  Then again, you wouldnt be you if you didnt go for the tough path from time to time would you?  Honest talking tonight builds important bridges.  Monday, November 21, 2011   What is big, yellow and eats rocks? A big, yellow rock eater.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Someone named Bob is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's voluntary , right? <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce sir as sair , you can answer a lot of questions with either yes air or nose hair . <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours . <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You'll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 22nd November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Slowly but surely, new avenues of income are opening up to you. By far the best and the most lucrative seem to link to a personal project that up to now you have kept to yourself. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Although you cannot complain about your work you are not entirely happy either.  Just tread water for the moment. Important work changes are set to take place in your industry sooner than you think. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Check your diary, as aspects indicate youre likely to have forgotten something important thats happening this weekend, and which you wont want to miss. Wearing blue in financial affairs gives you the edge. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Youre spending all your time running around for everyone else and dont appear to have the time to do the little things that a sign such as you finds imperative to a comfortable lifestyle.  Make time!  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your house of work looks confused but this is more to do with you not finding the money youd hoped in your profession. Patience, all good things come to those who wait. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Whos to say if youre right or wrong to get involved in other peoples business, especially if youre only trying to help? Bear in mind though, you cant help people who dont want to help themselves. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Certain friends have been taking advantage of you recently. Thats bad enough, but you are the one who has been allowing them to do so.  Look at the bigger picture and get your priorities in order. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Theres a degree of competition in your personal life, making it hard for you to relax. You of all signs should know that the winning strategy is to be yourself and to act naturally, surely? SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A younger face proves that you dont have to be older to know more. Make a friend of them and you will soon see that life is full of fun and opportunities for you this month.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Your life is never boring. Recently though you seem to have become complacent about a certain situation in your life. Heart to hearts both today and tomorrow can get you back on track. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Your emotions are highlighted and you are not sure if you are in control of your life or not. You are. All you have to do is admit what you want. I can guess what that is! PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Life is good and if you look back youll see you have come a long way in this last year.  Geminis are relevant to your career and hold the key to you making a crossover.  Tuesday, November 22, 2011   In bed the other night my girlfriend asked if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to? I said no . She said, ok, then forget it . -- Steven Wright    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will tell a total stranger that you're sick and tired of salad , today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of sacred quest , which will make a good ice-breaker. ( So...what's with the coconuts? ) <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul. Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice-cream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you'll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes - your very own Hole.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 23rd November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A touch of fame beckons for many of your sign, as important faces will soon know your name. Dont tell lies in the name of love this week. Family already know more than you could imagine! TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) You dont understand why a loved one has started acting so coldly towards you. The time has come to sit down and talk and to work out just where you are both going in life. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Use Saturn, the planet of structure, to lay down some new and improved plans both for your personal and professional life. Pisces are lucky for you and link to gossip its in your interest to uncover. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Think about taking the quiet option, so you have time to review your best move.  It can sometimes be better to turn a blind eye, or you could end up with dead wood on your hands.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Your work is looking decidedly lucky and you are set to meet up with some really interesting characters.  In fact, many of your sign will make decisions this week, which change the course of your life. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Saturn has given you the power to add a little more structure to your week and you should find that life starts to feel far more comfortable in not just one but several important areas.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Its only by moving forwards and not backwards with your life youll find the confidence a sign such as you needs to build the life you dream of. Thats why you need to ignore that text! SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Taking your time over paperwork can make all the difference between you being in the red or in the black next month. Put extra time into such affairs. You can change your lifestyle if you do.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre two minds as to what you should do with your career.  Dont make any decisions just yet as time really is on your side far more than you may realise. Events today confirm this. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) A slow pace will serve you far better than a fast one though so take my advice and listen to the stars and your instincts, which are sure to be giving you a short, sharp nudge.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Dont fuel the rumours about your love life, or youre going to scare off the very person you have been trying to attract.   A change to your routine should actually prove to be quite good fun today.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Your need for attention could well see you doing things that close ones are going to deem childish. You want more time with a close one, but youre going the wrong way about it.  Wednesday, November 23, 2011   People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Breakfast of Champions    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named Sven , but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium. Don't take it lightly. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say live and let live. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say live and let die. Or something. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you Sven . Humor them -- act impressed that they know your real name. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Noodle day #2! The Revenge Of The Noodle . Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm . You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 24th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) The planet Mars makes it hard for you to make a decision over a career matter which could be the making or breaking of you.  Slow down please my friend. Time is on your side, use it. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) A younger face proves that you dont have to be older to know more. Make a friend of them, and you will soon see that life is full of fun and opportunities for you this year.  GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Someone you did not think you would see again is back in the neighbourhood with a new style and a new approach to life and is heading right in your direction, as youre about to discover. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Dont leave an argument in the workplace to simmer and stew. Get it out in the open, talk about it and deal with it before too many people become involved. Truth be said, the blame lies with both parties. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Names and places that you have not heard before all play a part in a new chapter of your love life which is forecast. Aries prove lucky in business if youre willing to go the social route to a career boost. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) It is only by giving a close one their freedom that you will find out if they are really yours.  Confidence should and can now be yours concerning financial matters, both today and tomorrow.  LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) You have been so busy looking at the faces that are not free, that you have failed to see the compatible and very available faces around you.  Returning texts today can give you a clue. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Younger faces come to the fore and you find yourself having to go out of your way in order to help someone who cant do something they need for themselves.  Just dont make promises you cant deliver.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Youre in two minds as to how you feel about a face that seems to have been in your thoughts for the majority of your days of late.  You can sort this out by contacting them directly.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Why is it that you always insist on a challenge?  Then again, you wouldnt be you if you didnt go for the tough path from time to time would you?  Honest talking tonight builds important bridges. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) News of weddings and pregnancies gives you cause to gossip.  Time taken out of your day to call an older person can do much to make them feel happier with their life and you with yours.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Money owed must be paid out if youre to keep your pride.  You want control of close ones finances too, but if you think that this will endear them to you then think again.  Thursday, November 24, 2011   Save the whales. Collect the whole set.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote Hey nonny, nonny , in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it? <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 25th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) There is always another option, that is what you must remember my friend.  You see a close one may think that they have got you stuck in a corner, but they could not be more wrong!  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Try to slow down and enjoy the view. Youre rushing through life as if it is a race and you are in danger of missing all the good bits. A new relationship gets off to a promising start. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Work you do on this day can earn you some friends in very high places. Make sure you dress to impress. It really can make the world of difference my friend. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Why are you allowing yourself to be subject to emotional blackmail yet again? Surely you know by now how this person plays the game? New faces tonight prove flirtatious and compatible. Sit up and take note. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Mars brings a change you will resist, but which with time you will see was the route to success.  Being nice to all new faces you meet can bring you friends in high places. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Teaching comes under lucky influences and if youre not learning something new, youll be telling others how to do it. A run in with a past friend gives you reason to return to an old hobby. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Time does not seem to be your own recently and some sort of family drama has meant youve had to put personal plans on the back burner. The chance to relax links to an offer from a Gemini. Be sure to accept. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Close ones are asking things of you that you dont want to give.  Only you can work out whether or not you can offer them some sort of a compromise. Life gets exciting thanks to Venus after 7pm. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You cant afford to miss out on the kind of opportunities that are coming to you over the next few days, and the current line up presents you with the perfect chance to make your plan. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Someone you thought you could trust in life has let you down. Dont waste time being disappointed, just move on. There is a better life calling out for you and the quicker you move the better. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) You havent really been living life of late; its been more a case of existing has it not? All of that is about to change today though as youre given a new lease of life by a phone call or email which puts life and love into perspective. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You really must try to make time to see everyone that you promised today. Contacts that you make could prove to be the step up the career ladder that you have been looking for.  Friday, November 25, 2011   Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end? -- Tom Stoppard, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead_    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under Florists, Reputable. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called Goat Herding Made Easy . <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally renowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say nothing succeeds like success must have sounded like a real idiot. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 26th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Careful of saying things you do not mean to those who are younger than you.  Watch out that you do not let slip a secret that a friend is entrusting you with.  Words need care today.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont let less adventurous signs put you off; the world is yours for the taking. You just need to believe in yourself. Deep down inside we both know you can do it. Prove it. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Its party time for you my friend, as invitation after invitation just seem to drop in your lap.   Travel is also forecast making this one of your most enjoyable weeks in quite some time.  CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) Put a family members new partner at ease, theyre sure to be grateful and your efforts will not go unnoticed.  You definitely have some making up to do after last weeks mix ups.  LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Its ok to be upset about something that has happened.  If you dont go through these emotions you wont be able to move on.  Life is all about learning; its what takes us to the next level.  VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) You cant afford to miss out on the kind of opportunities that are coming before you over the next few days and the current line up presents you with the perfect chance to make your plan. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) There is a decidedly jealous side to your nature which is evolving at this time and it has got to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later.  Having faith today can pay back dividends. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Something you had lost faith in shows signs of life again as the stars give you a helping hand. You are at last working out what and who you need to be happy in life. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) The current line up is making it hard for you to work out what a close ones words and actions really mean.  Phone calls you miss today must be returned. Youll thank me if you do. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) You find it hard to see anyones problems but your own.  Take a more active part in close ones lives and youll see you have the support to make even your wildest dreams come true. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Theres no point in falling out with a family member who you know will never see your point of view so back off and show your close ones how very mature this month has seen you become. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Many new opportunities will be coming into your life, just don't be in too much of a rush to organise events, as the best offers arrive at the last minute. Keep an open diary.  Saturday, November 26, 2011   Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a pink slip. Sounds like party attire to me! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell equaminity ...er... equanimbity ...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a squid fling . Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase Careful, filling is hot! . <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.) <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 27th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) A messy planetary line up may convince you to tell lies. There are other alternatives to dilemmas. All you have to do is be willing to put some faith into a close one for a change. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) If we all had the same taste, then life would be pretty boring. The fact that not everyone who appeals to us, appeals to our friends should actually be a blessing. Therefore follow your own heart.  GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) News of a divorce or a change in a close ones status could well shake your world this weekend. Nothing is what it seems however so beware of saying something which you may have to take back later. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You know, just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to go out of your way to let them know. In fact this is a day on which the less you say the better. Reasons why become apparent via an Aries. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) You may feel guilty you have not been able to spend as much time as you would like with a close one, but you can only spread yourself so far. Tonight offers you both a compromise. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Fame is empty, at least thats what you will feel, if you dont grab this golden opportunity with both hands. Travel you embark upon in the name of your career is the beginning of great things. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Family are proving pretty difficult to deal with at the moment but thats mostly because you are allowing them to.  Stand your ground; you know where your priorities should lie, dont you? SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Those around dont know how important it is to get things done on time, or to do what theyd promised.  However, many of the signs have dramas youre unaware of being played out, so go easy.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Dont listen in to other peoples conversations, or you could end up hearing and getting involved in something which is not your business. Romance and travel make for a memorable week, if you act on instinct. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Each day is irreplaceable. Dont ruin yours by allowing the negative moods of others to pull you into their frame of mind. Life is what you make it; so make yours a good one. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) The more you play out the current dramatics which have been affecting you, the less pleasing your reply may be.  Come on, say it as it is and youll find out just how lucky you can be.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Theres much to be done if youre to be a suitable candidate for the opportunities that the end of this month should bring your way. Research and study will pay back dividends. Know this fact.  Sunday, November 27, 2011   Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze cute. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to make strange hooting noises, while hiding in the bushes. <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will develop the extremely rare Perkin's Disease , and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, Jim , into wrestling a giant anaconda. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say What am I, psychic? It's not, though. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say What am I, psychic? It's not, though. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn't there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better - you probably aren't a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 28th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) You know what they say, if you want a job done well then you have to do it yourself and this is one project, which you both have to, and want to, be in control of.  TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Phone calls mend bridges in love.  All you have to do to ensure the longevity of this is to admit your fault in the drama which recently played out in front of such a large crowd. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Slip-ups in financial matters can be avoided by making a game plan for your week ahead and by being willing to do the research which youve so far avoided and covered over with good acting skills. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) You seem to have lost a lot of respect for someone you used to care a great deal about. Dont say or do anything rash until youve seen what todays stars are set to reveal to you. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) A new area of your work is opening up which looks to be the source of much pleasure in your future. Help that you give to Cancerians can do much for your reputation. The number two links to a mistake in love. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Someone from your past holds the key to a decision you must make about your future.  A fresh start is in your stars but that means not bringing up mistakes from before all the time, doesnt it? LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Many things need doing and you need to find a little more patience. You could get it all out of the way quickly and painlessly. Dont give into the spending mood that hits you, finances are needed for love as youre about to discover. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Fresh new ways to get on with your close ones make for a refreshing week. You thought you could not get over a certain problem but you were wrong and events today should prove this fact. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) A dreamy feeling comes over you and you may even be thinking of going back to the past. Do a reality check before you text or dial. A sign such as you never goes backwards. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Single Capricorns in particular are going to find themselves attracted to the kind of characters you would normally run a mile from as a new air of confidence brings out a new side to your personality. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) People you thought were on your side in a professional matter may well be saying what they think is necessary to stay in your favour, so dont count on their support. Solo efforts bring success. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Pick yourself up and look at all that is good in your life instead of all thats bad. With the power of the stars behind you, itll be easy to rid yourself of excess baggage.  Monday, November 28, 2011   I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends...that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. -- Adlai Stevenson    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK? <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) You, for one, have just about had it with all this Globalization. Time to go on a diet! <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Today, someone named Svlad will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in. <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was act like a dog day, you might have been better prepared. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the Bob invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be fierce . You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action... <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties. <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!       
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 29th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) Working hard this week can do much to make up for the time you lost in business last month. You thought you had missed the boat on an opportunity, but how wrong you were. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Youve spent much of your time dreaming about the new life that may soon be yours.  Make sure you act the professional when some sort of bonus could be easier to obtain that you first thought. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) You have been spending more and more time with a certain face and its been having a really profound effect on how you view your future. Big decisions loom and youre finally in the driving seat. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) A new career path may not be as suitable as it first seems.  Do your research before signing on the dotted line.  Contracts may not be as easy to get out of as you think. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) Money problems begin to get sorted out now and a new start is indicated. This is what you have been waiting for. Keep up this positive attitude. It is the key to your success my friend. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Venus is trying to show you how it will pay to be honest with your feelings. Youre still nursing a bruised ego from your last let down. Take a chance; your stars wont let you down. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Today you can turn your dreams into a reality and Scorpios in particular link to this new phase you are entering in your life.  Dont be seduced by a friends very temporary offers of love. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Wear red for luck to clinch that deal. You have a really fun week ahead with plenty of familiar faces dropping by to make sure youre filled in on all of the latest gossip and scandal.  SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) You finally look forward to happier times with your close ones as you focus on the good, not bad, in your relationships.  Its taken a long time to come to this place but youve finally arrived. CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Not only do you have many options to choose from but you also have the financial flexibility which last month was so obviously absent from your chart.  New horizons beckon, so ensure you listen. AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) A little more patience is necessary this week with an older person. You think that they are going out of their way to annoy you, but theyre going out of their way to find answers. PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) Although you thought you knew what you wanted, a new influence has left you with a lot of unanswered questions about your future. Patience, time is your best friend with regard to such issues.   
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 30th November   ARIES (March 21st-April 20th) What you think to be fact may turn out to be only fiction. Slow your pace please and try to look at the bigger picture.  Certain close ones have been trying to cover their backs. TAURUS (April 21st-May 21st) Dont get involved in idle gossip today, or you may well be accused of starting it.  Someone you thought did not care for you is about to prove you wrong. Prepare to be pleasantly surprised. GEMINI (May 22nd-June 21st) Youve got to start aiming a little higher. No ones going to offer you the dream job youre after if you keep applying for the position of assistant. The skys the limit. Go for your dreams. CANCER (June 22nd-July 23rd) New ways to get on with family help make your personal life a nicer place to be. Someones spreading rumours which involve you. Dont shout too loudly, or youll cast yourself as the guilty party. LEO (July 24th-August 23rd) New and very meaningful relationships are set to take place at this time which, for many of your sign, could even cross over into romance if you take advantage of the opportunities. VIRGO (August 24th-September 23rd) Youll find it hard for your feet to touch the ground as good news comes your way.  The only downside is you may find it hard to spot the person trying to take advantage of you. LIBRA (September 24th-October 23rd) Dont believe all that you hear about new faces. Make up your own mind in your own time .Aspects indicate this could be the beginning of a compatible friendship. Jealousy is behind rumours. SCORPIO (October 24th-November 22nd) Try not to get involved in game playing. If you do, youll only be playing right into a close ones hands. Let time be the judge of what is or is not on offer. SAGITTARIUS (November 23rd-December 21st) Travel holds the key to a better love life. Thats right, for once you have to go out of your way to get what you want. The rewards though, are set to be worth every effort.  CAPRICORN (December 22nd-January 20th) Old faces link to offers of love, but steady, as theyre likely to be more short term than long term. To find your true love match you need to think with both your heart and your head.  AQUARIUS (January 21st-February 19th) Someone from far away is trying to get in contact and has news to tell you that is sure to both shock and please you at the same time. Check your email and phone.  PISCES (February 20th-March 20th) You don't seem to be seeing eye to eye with a loved one and if you continue to push them to see your side, you could be facing a rather explosive argument.  Tact please, my friend.  Wednesday, November 30, 2011   Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. Oliver Herford    <a> Aries </a>(March 21 - April 19) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice. <a> Taurus </a>(April 20 - May 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap. <a> Gemini </a>(May 21 - June 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. <a> Cancer </a>(June 21 - July 22) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got lots of work to do. (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.) <a> Leo </a>(July 23 - August 22) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden? <a> Virgo </a>(August 23 - September 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say You too can be a criminal mastermind! <a> Libra </a>(September 23 - October 22) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead. <a> Scorpio </a>(October 23 - November 21) You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach Mo's Leather Emporium . Don't take it lightly. <a> Sagittarius </a>(November 22 - December 21) Good day to doodle. <a> Capricorn </a>(December 22 - January 20) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid. <a> Aquarius </a>(January 21 - February 18) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp! <a> Pisces </a>(February 19 - March 20) As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was excellent at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear.  
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 1st December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 2nd December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 3rd December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Sunday 4th December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Monday 5th December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Tuesday 6th December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Wednesday 7th December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Thursday 8th December
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Friday 9th December
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    <em class="date">Dec 10, 1901: First Nobel Prizes awarded </h2>The first Nobel Prizes are awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace. The ceremony came on the fifth anniversary of the death of Alfred Nobel, the Swedish inventor of dynamite and other high explosives. In his will, Nobel directed that the bulk of his vast fortune be placed in a fund in which the interest would be &quot;annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind.&quot; Although Nobel offered no public reason for his creation of the prizes, it is widely believed that he did so out of moral regret over the increasingly lethal uses of his inventions in war.
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    Claire's daily horoscopes for Saturday 10th December
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