1. Welcome to No Deposit Forum! Please log in to continue. New members please register here. New Member Registration

Funny / Stupid Joke of the Day!

Discussion in 'GENERAL DISCUSSION' started by PSP, Jun 19, 2018.

  1. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Let's try to make this one of the sticky ones that everyone can add to!

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It’s because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"…

    Keep watching - I have millions of these! :thumb:
    PMM and Mben like this.
  2. PMM

    PMM No Deposit Forum Moderator Staff Member

    :biglol:

    Awesome PSP. Everyone loves a good joke.

    Keep them coming.
    Mben likes this.
  3. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Excellent - thanks!
    PMM and Mben like this.
  4. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid the hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Shaken and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I´ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
    "Oh, come now, I´m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
    "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the
    Bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of
    boobs I´ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
    PMM and Mben like this.
  5. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    funny.gif
    PMM likes this.
  6. PMM

    PMM No Deposit Forum Moderator Staff Member

    Whoops! I think he forgot something! HAHA
  7. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

    A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
    Mben and PMM like this.
  8. PMM

    PMM No Deposit Forum Moderator Staff Member

    :biglol: okay, that was seriously funny!
    Mben likes this.
  9. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    I was in a pub the other night. Had a few brews when I noticed two rather large women by the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
    One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
    So, I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
    Mben likes this.
  10. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Strictly for Mben...

    What to you say when you are comforting a Grammar Nazi?

    Their, they're, there.

    :brian:
    Mben and PMM like this.
  11. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered.

    The farmer replied," Billy Bob's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."

    "I see," Gary said. "Well, she must have had a lot of friends."

    "Naw," the farmer said, "we just all want to buy his mule."
    Mben and PMM like this.
  12. PMM

    PMM No Deposit Forum Moderator Staff Member

    Whales! hahahahahaha
  13. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    :biglol:
  14. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A sexy, well-endowed redhead was in an embarrassing situation, for her arms were filled with packages and she was wearing a dress too tight to allow her to step up into the bus. A crowd pressed from behind, and so she reached back, unobserved she hoped, and pulled down the zipper at the back of her dress. It didn't seem to work, so she reached again for the zipper and additional freedom, but again it was no use.

    Then from out of the crowd, I picked her up and deposited her gently inside the bus.

    "What right have you to pick me up like that?" she gasped. "Why, I don't even know you."

    "Well," I said, "after you pulled my zipper down the second time, I began to feel as though we were pretty good friends."
    PMM likes this.
  15. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

    The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

    Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied - "Sir, Yes Sir!"

    The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

    The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

    The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

    The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

    The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

    The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
    PMM and Mben like this.
  16. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it. He called over the waitress and asked “What is that dish you just served.”


    The waitress said “That is bull testicles. Everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you have to reserve a day before.”

    So he reserved the dish for the next day, he went there and ate it, he loved it but he called over the waitress and said “These are delicious but yesterday the balls were so big and today they are small, why is that?”

    The waitress looked back with a sad face and said “The bull doesn’t always lose.”
    PMM and Mben like this.
  17. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Q: Why did the French chef commit suicide?


    A: He lost the huile d’olive.






    Too soon? :laughhard:
    PMM likes this.
  18. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    :lol:
    PMM likes this.
  19. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    I don't get it. Olive oil?
    PMM likes this.
  20. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Most of these are copied and pasted from somewhere else - I need to start paying attention to them!
    PMM and Mben like this.
  21. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Apparently it comes out sounding like "will to live"... :facepalm:
    PMM and Mben like this.
  22. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    I knew that! Because after all, it's you! You are probably a worse grammar Nazi than I am and would not dare to have spelling, grammar and all the other errors in any of your posts. :nod:
    PMM likes this.
  23. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    Oh, ok! Now I get it. :lol:
  24. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

    Bu called himself "Buck."

    Chu called himself "Chuck."

    Fu decided to return to China...
    Mben and PMM like this.
  25. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A married man is approaching his 25 year annivery and because he loves his wife very much, he tells her he will take her for a vacation anywhere in the world. So she tells him she would like to go to Israel; always wanted to see the holy land. So the husband says OK, and then she says, "but we need to take my mother along with us."

    The husband has never liked or gotten along with his MIL, but, as I said, he loves his wife very much, so he acquieses. So all three of them go to Israel and are having a lovely time seeing all the sites until the mother all of a sudden collapses from heart failure and despite thd Isareli doctors' best efforts, she dies.

    So the hospital tells him they can make arrangements with an funeral home to have the MIL buried in Israel, at a cost of $500. Or, arrangements could be made to have the body shipped hom to America, and by the time all the fees are paid, it would be about $5,000. The husband says, "I'd rather have her buried in America."

    "Wait", the hospital rep says, "You'd rather go to the expense of shipping your MIL home when you could bury her here for far less money? Why is that?"

    The husband replies, "Well, you see, a while back you had a guy who died, was buried, but came back to life after 3 days, and I don't want to take any chances!"
    Mben and PMM like this.
  26. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

    The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

    "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
    Mben and PMM like this.
  27. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A dude calls 911...

    Dude: "I think my wife is dead"

    Dispatcher: "God that's terrible news sir, but what make you think she's dead"

    Dude: "Well I don't know....the sex is the same...but....the ironing is starting to pile up".
    Mben and PMM like this.
  28. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams – a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, Sonny?”


    The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

    “Wheeewee… that’s a lot of money,” says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. “Why does it cost so much?”

    “Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the banker proudly.

    The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

    “No problem,” replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

    Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly… Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

    “What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

    He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

    The Ferrari red lines and there’s nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers with his dying breath… “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your…. side view mirror.”
    PMM and Mben like this.
  29. PSP

    PSP Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

    The robot slaps the son.

    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

    Son says, "Toy Story."

    The robot slaps the son again.

    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

    Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

    The robot slaps the father!

    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

    The robot slaps the mother.

    Robot for sale.
    PMM and Mben like this.
  30. Mben

    Mben No Deposit Forum Administrator Staff Member

    :biglol:

    Good ones, PSP!

Share This Page