Funny / Stupid Joke of the Day!

[PSP]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

 

[PSP]

One recent evening, Hayward and his two friends are talking at a bar.

The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed."

Hayward says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both of his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed," says Hayward.

 

[PSP]

I saw a TV for sale for 1 dollar.

I saw the the TV was in very good condition.

“Why is it so cheap? ” I asked the seller

“The volume is stuck at max, and it can’t be turned down” he replied

“So everything else works?” I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

“So you’re gonna buy it?”

“A TV for 1$ ? Can’t turn it down”

 

[PSP]

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

 

[PMM]

cricket cricket

 

[PSP]

My wife didn't get it either....

 

[PMM]

Oh, I got it alright. Just left me shall we say.....speechless.

 

[Mben]

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

Oh, but there's a typo. Otherwise it would have gotten got right off the bat!

 

[PSP]

Oh, but there's a typo. Otherwise it would have gotten got right off the bat!

Typo? Other than yours? (it vs I? - and the whole "gotten got" thing?)

Should I have capitalized Onions in the first sentence?

 

[Mben]

Typo? Other than yours? (it vs I? - and the whole "gotten got" thing?)

Should I have capitalized Onions in the first sentence?

Yes, "onions".

And no, I don't have a typo. I got "it", the joke". Your wife didn't get "it".

And, and the whole "gotten got" is a play on words.

 

[PSP]

Too many damn comedy critics around here!

 

[PSP]

Regardless, I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress!

 

[Mben]

Regardless, I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress!

Thank you for being here!

 

[PMM]

Too many damn comedy critics around here!

 

[PSP]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

 

[PSP]

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress
A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

(He'll be out of intensive care shortly)

 

[PSP]

"As good as this bar is, " said the Scotsman,
"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's
a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll
buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus, " said the Englishman, "At
my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you
your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin', " said Paddy
Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite
pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me-self, personally, no, " admitted
the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite
a few times."

 

[PMM]

 

[PSP]

I hate spelling errors.



You mix up two letters accidentally and your whole joke is urined.

 

[PSP]

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store. His job is to bag the customers’ groceries at checkout. It’s mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.



After working in the store for a couple of months, the store’s produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.

The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant. The manager denies his request.

The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job. Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.

“Ma’am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant.” Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.

“I don’t understand,” the young man says. “I’m professional, I’m reliable, and I’m great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I’m tired of bagging groceries.”

The manager sighs and says, “you’re a wonderful worker, that’s true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say… baggers can’t be juicers.”

 

[PMM]

cricket cricket,

 

[PSP]

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” into the name of “an important human body part which is most useful when erect.”

Those who answered “spine” are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

 

[Mben]

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” into the name of “an important human body part which is most useful when erect.”

Those who answered “spine” are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

 

[PSP]

 

[PSP]

 

[PMM]

 

[PSP]

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…”You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said “Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently, no sex tonight either

 

[PSP]

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

 

[Mben]

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

 

[Mikey7a]

A traveling couple pull into a full service station in Kansas. Man comes out, driver says fill er up.
Attendant says check under the hood?
The wife pokes the driver and says what did he say? Man yells says check the oil?
As the tank fills the attendant comes back and says, I see your from Indiana.
The wife pokes the husband and says, what he say? The man yells. Says he saw the Tag.
Attendant says, yeah I spent a summer there when I was young. The wife pokes the husband again
and says, what he say? The man yells, he says he spent time in Indiana.
You can see the husband is getting irritated at her by now.
The attendant realizes she is hard of hearing, so he leans over and whispers,
Yeah, met a girl, got lucky, but man it was the worst I ever had, before or after.
The wife pokes the husband and says, what he say?

Husband grins real big and yells, SAYS HE KNOWS YA!