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Funny / Stupid Joke of the Day!
- Thread starter PSP
- Start date
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem,
so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.
She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised.
She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”
He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him the one that hurts …”
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show him the one that hurts …”
Eileen and her husband John went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her bosom and massaged thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’
John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her bosom and massaged thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?’
John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician.”
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician.”
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”
“Wow! That's a great idea!”., he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied, “Get your own ****ing blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”
“Wow! That's a great idea!”., he exclaimed.
“Good”, she replied, “Get your own ****ing blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A State Police Officer is sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. He is not having any luck until he sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
Because he wants to make sure everyone is safe, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. As the young spritely State Police Officer approaches the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
Although he is a young man, the State Police officer has seen a lot during his time on the force, but not this. Trying to contain a chuckle, he explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. She promises never to make the same mistake again.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Because he wants to make sure everyone is safe, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. As the young spritely State Police Officer approaches the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
Although he is a young man, the State Police officer has seen a lot during his time on the force, but not this. Trying to contain a chuckle, he explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. She promises never to make the same mistake again.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S**t," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S**t," shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times.
When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Whoza talkin' about sexa? I'ma just tellin my frienda how to spella Missisippi.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
A very old man shuffled into an ice cream parlor and made an attempt to get up onto a stool. After watching him try several times, a young waitress came over and helped him get up on it.
She asked she could help him, and he said" I'd like a banana split please."
She was watching him try to get comfortable on the stool, and she asked him "crushed nuts...?" "No", he said "arthritis"
She asked she could help him, and he said" I'd like a banana split please."
She was watching him try to get comfortable on the stool, and she asked him "crushed nuts...?" "No", he said "arthritis"
A guy was meeting a friend at a restaurant, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty gals looking at him.
He heard one gal say to the other, “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered to the table and told his buddy the women had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to burst your bubble,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.”
He heard one gal say to the other, “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered to the table and told his buddy the women had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to burst your bubble,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.”
Cue up Rodney Dangerfield...
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I couldn't figure out what they were laced with, and ended up tripping on them all day."
"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I couldn't figure out what they were laced with, and ended up tripping on them all day."
A farmer and his wife were dressed and ready to go out dancing for the evening with a couple who had just moved in down the road. They turned the answering machine on, put the cat in the back yard and waited on the neighbors to pick them up.
The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”
The neighbors arrived but as the couple opened the front door to leave, the cat scooted back into the house. That was a problem because the cat always tried to eat the parakeet. The wife went on out and got into the car while her husband went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs with the man in hot pursuit. A little on the paranoid side, the wife didn’t want the new neighbors to know the house would be empty. She explained that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me while I dragged her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!”
An old priest was dying.
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the Rectory.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old guy mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
A Greek and an Italian were chatting one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek Said, "We have Olympus"
The Italian Said, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek Said, "We gave the world Plato and Aristotle"
The Italian Said, "We gave them Cato and Marcus Aurelius"
The Greek Said, "We had Alexander the Great"
The Italian Said, "We had Caesar and the Roman Empire"
And so the debate went on and on until finally they agreed on something:
The Greek Said, "We invented sex"
The Italian Said, " That is true, But it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
The Greek Said, "We have Olympus"
The Italian Said, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek Said, "We gave the world Plato and Aristotle"
The Italian Said, "We gave them Cato and Marcus Aurelius"
The Greek Said, "We had Alexander the Great"
The Italian Said, "We had Caesar and the Roman Empire"
And so the debate went on and on until finally they agreed on something:
The Greek Said, "We invented sex"
The Italian Said, " That is true, But it was the Italians who introduced it to women"
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