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Funny / Stupid Joke of the Day!
- Thread starter PSP
- Start date
PMM
Guest
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”
“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”
“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.
“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”
“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”
“OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently‘ she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently‘ she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’
My mom used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘Here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it right away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.....
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.....
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
My mom used to feed my brother and me by saying ‘Here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it right away.
(I know you didn't write the sentence, PSP. lol)
Can I plead Nolo Contendere? Clearly I didn't write the sentence, but I am guilty of reposting without consideration of grammar faux pas...
You sure can. lol
You know, I have a hard time posting an awesome meme if it has one error in it, no matter how small it is. The "paradox" meme I posted on my fb today is a perfect example. But I still liked what it said. It didn't have missing commas, punctuation, etc, which could have changed a whole sentence, but there are a few capitalization errors, or lack of capital letters rather. lol
PMM
Guest
Both of you just need to take a deep breath and relax a wee bit more.
P
Poaf
Guest
A nun runs out of a doctor's office in sheer panic...and nearly knocked down another doctor on the way out...
The doctor was shocked to see this and asked his fellow doctor..."What the hell happened that made that nun react like that???"...
The other doctor said "I told her she was pregnant..."...
"Was she???"...asked the other doctor...
"No...bit it sure cured her of her hiccups"...
The doctor was shocked to see this and asked his fellow doctor..."What the hell happened that made that nun react like that???"...
The other doctor said "I told her she was pregnant..."...
"Was she???"...asked the other doctor...
"No...bit it sure cured her of her hiccups"...
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A big check,” replied the guide.
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A big check,” replied the guide.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some >confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation >of your arrival tomorrow.
-Your loving husband.
PS – Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some >confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation >of your arrival tomorrow.
-Your loving husband.
PS – Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it’s mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”
lol Nice 1Let's try to make this one of the sticky ones that everyone can add to!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he is doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Guys like you keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. It’s because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee"…
Keep watching - I have millions of these!
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