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Funny / Stupid Joke of the Day!

PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
Urine Test for Old Men

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the corona virus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.

Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S
 
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PrimoVictor

NEW MEMBER
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

The robot slaps the father!

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.


Oh.. this is hard :D :D :D
 
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
A blonde is putting together a puzzle.
She calls her boyfriend at work and tells him that she needs him to come home to help her.
He keeps telling her that he can’t leave work right now, but she’s very insistent.
“Well, what’s the picture on the box?” He asks.
“It’s a tiger.” She says.
“Then just try to make a tiger with the pieces.”
She sighs and insists she can’t.
The boyfriend proceeds to leave work early and drive all the way to his girlfriend’s.
When he arrives, she takes him to see the puzzle on the kitchen table.
Upon seeing it, he flies into a fit of rage.
“I left work early for this?!?” He yells.
“But I couldn’t make the tiger-like you said.” She replies, crying.
“Ok, first off,” he begins,
“there’s no way in hell these will ever make a tiger. Second, put the Frosted Flakes back in the f*cking box!”
 
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
A man wakes up at Strong Memorial hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on Monroe
Avenue. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your
wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
 
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
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PSP

Ruler of Western Civilization's Geeky Nerds
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life...the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning...

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103...when she died...

She left behind 14 children...30 grandchildren...45 great-grandchildren...25 great-great-grandchildren...and a 100-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
 
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